Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other ones penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL !!!! *

2007-02-08 06:20:10 · 2 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? - No,
we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and
good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? - I got proof.

What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

2007-02-08 06:15:46 · 12 answers · asked by frank m 1

If may answer this with a joke.

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in seven floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and like kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not liking kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, are fantastic chefs, completely faithful, are great conversationalists and really funny, use maps, and their mothers have passed away." "Now we're getting somewhere" they said, "but imagine what must be on the next floor." So up they went.

Sixth floor

The door had a sign saying "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, know how to satisfy you completely, are fantastic chefs, totally faithful, great conversationalists and really funny, would love to go shopping with you, use maps, put the toilet seat down and change the paper, and their mothers have passed away." "Pretty tempting" they said, "we really have to see what's on the next floor." They were so excited they ran up the stairs.

Seventh floor

The door had a sign saying "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Please leave the store via the exit..

2007-02-08 06:12:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

It begins with an M, has 5 letters, its spelt in English ,a woman does it once in a lifetime, a man does it 3 times a day, it is brighter than the Sun and darker than the Night, if you drink it - its Halal but if you eat it - its Haram, it is mentioned in the Quran 5 times, what is it ?

2007-02-08 06:12:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hear so many wierd answers, but i really need to know!

2007-02-08 06:06:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

"........................... and I need you more than want you, and I......"

2007-02-08 06:04:25 · 8 answers · asked by BTH L 2

"......................get lost in the Louisiana bayou...................."

2007-02-08 06:02:51 · 6 answers · asked by BTH L 2

This hunter heads out ot get beat during bear season. He spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He walks over to the dead bear and feels a tap on his shoulder. He spins to see a big black bear looking at him. The bear tells him he just shot his little buddy, now he has to kill or rape the hunter hunter. The hunter does not want to die, he chooses rape. After he gets out of the hiospital he goes after the black bear. He spots the bear and kills it. Again he feelsa tap on shoulder and turns to see a Grizzly bear. The grizzly tells the hunter he has killed his cousin, he has a choise, get raped or killed. Again the hunter takes rape. He heals and goes after the grizzly, when he sees him he takes his shot. Again he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see a Kodiak and the winks and says to him " You don't come to hunt, do you"

2007-02-08 06:01:35 · 1 answers · asked by STEPHEN S 2

2007-02-08 05:58:22 · 13 answers · asked by j_dub864 1

" .................. a class of seven four..............."

2007-02-08 05:58:09 · 2 answers · asked by BTH L 2

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores". The boy groans, but then goes out to do his work. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

2007-02-08 05:56:40 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 05:54:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

ill. Finally the doctor came in. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time, is a brain transplant". It's an experimental procedure very risky, but it's the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves". The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news After a great length of time someone asked "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded $5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain". The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to avoid his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled and explained to the entire group."It's just standard pricing procedure, we have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used.

2007-02-08 05:51:49 · 16 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

any nice intelligent clever sarcastic witty jokes???

2007-02-08 05:51:34 · 12 answers · asked by globalami 2

da da da
da da da

da da da dada
da da da da da da da
da da da
da da
da da

2007-02-08 05:51:12 · 3 answers · asked by BTH L 2

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your duties". A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his work.

When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.

His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

2007-02-08 05:49:36 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

bored at work 10 points if i laugh so hard i get a roasting from the gaffer (no holds barred)

2007-02-08 05:49:22 · 10 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other ones penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL !!!! *

2007-02-08 05:39:23 · 1 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

2007-02-08 05:39:16 · 26 answers · asked by NotSmartButCurious 1

2007-02-08 05:39:13 · 7 answers · asked by marco d 1

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side " When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

2007-02-08 05:37:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses"

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with meatballs, two without."

2007-02-08 05:37:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his ever-nagging wife?
went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2007-02-08 05:36:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison?
where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-02-08 05:31:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about this large?
powerfully-built guy who met a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2007-02-08 05:30:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Morris returns from the doctor?
and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife if they can make love - Naturally, she agrees.
About 6 hrs later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please . . . just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . .?"
At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen, Morris, I have to get up in the morning . . . you don't

2007-02-08 05:26:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't worry if u have a beard men !?

8 out of 10 {P}{U}{S}{S}{Y}{S} perfer whiskers

2007-02-08 05:25:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 05:25:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 05:23:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is a quick short, short story. Can you guess anything about my personality from it?

The man fell into a shoe. It did not smell very good. It smelt like the backside of a baboon. The man wrinkled his nose in distaste. Suddenly God stepped into the shoe and squashed the man. The man did not smell very good. He smelt like the backside of a baboon. God threw the shoe out of his cupboard.

2007-02-08 05:20:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous