Tell me some jokes now please thank you?

Question

bored at work 10 points if i laugh so hard i get a roasting from the gaffer (no holds barred)

Answer 1

Here's one: It's pretty long but funny,

A hippie spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her and asks her, "Can we have sex?" No, she replies, "I'm married to God". She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", says the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetry every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God"

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

I am God, he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

Have sex with me.

The nun agress without question but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

"God" agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha, he cries. "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha, cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

Answer 2

Joke 1.)
"Johnny wanted to have xxx with a girl in his office.....but she belonged
to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny
said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment
and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called
her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for
$200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"




Joke 2.)

WHO DOES THE WORK????

Who's working anyway?
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work! For state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your butt,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

Answer 3

I posted this joke earlier but so far no response if they liked it or not, i think it is helarious.. cheer up and read (just not out loud ok)

Three Old Men

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.

"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand
there
and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't
have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on
the
toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no
problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Answer 4

What do a gay bar and a barbecue have in common?

they both have alot of weiners


How did the blonde break her leg raking the leaves?

She fell outta the tree


Yo mamma is so stupid she sold her car for gas money
Yo mamma is so fat she masterbates to cook books

Answer 5

There was this husband and his wife and 8 kids sitting, waiting at a bus stop... they were joined by a blind man
the bus came and only had room for the wife and the kids so the blind man and the husband decided to walk
as they walked the tick tick tick of the blind mans stick, as he walked became so annoying to the husband... he said
For heavens sake can't you stop that tick tick ticking of your stick against the pavement as you walk...why don't you put a piece of rubber on it ?
Shut up !!! said the blind man...if you had put a piece of rubber on your stick... we'd be riding the bus...

Answer 6

a woman and a man had sex in the dark for 20 years then one day the woman decided to turn the lights on and she saw he had a dildo, she asked him whats with the fake dick and he said whats with the kids, woman?????

(do you get it??? she was cheating on him.)

Answer 7

Q. How do you get four old ladies to say the "F" word?

A. Have the fifth old lady yell, "BINGO"!

Answer 8

ur mama is so old she knew the burger king when he was the burger prince!

Answer 9

Tell me jokes NOW!!!

Um, no thanx. I don't like being bossed around.

Answer 10

I have AIDS