Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Heard this question on the radio this morning but didn't hear the answer!

2007-02-08 00:01:38 · 17 answers · asked by JAMES R 1

My cat - a creature of ill deed and wicked intent - has recently started wearing frilly French knickers, six-inch stilettos and pink lipstick. Should I be worried about his transvestite pretensions?

2007-02-07 23:54:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde, a brunette and a ginger girl, They walk into a bar and there is a magic mirror on the bar, if you lie to it, it sucks you in. So the brunette says to it " I think i'm the cleverest in the world" so she gets sucked in. The ginger says to it " I think i'm the fittest in the world" so again she gets sucked in. The blonde says to it " I think " and gets sucked in straight away....

2007-02-07 23:53:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The song, not the video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9iXg5HExdc

2007-02-07 23:53:14 · 10 answers · asked by ms vicci pollard 5

I need to laugh.
But please no sexual content(I know they're good,but...)
Thank you!

2007-02-07 23:41:55 · 13 answers · asked by Lost Phoenix 3

Does anyone know any yummy recipies? Any chicken or beef stews are fine but only really yummy one's

2007-02-07 23:38:12 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.

"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"

2007-02-07 23:36:26 · 11 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

this joke?
Little Johnny comes home from school, finds his Mum and asks, "Hey Mum, what's vice?"
His mother was a little dumbfounded wondering why Johnny should ask such a thing but launches into this lengthy tirade about fallen women, drunken men, thieves, drug takers and more.
When she finishes she notices that he is standing there all google-eyed with his mouth wide open, so she asks, "Why did you need to know that?"
Little Johnny answers, "Coz they just made me the captain of it at school."

2007-02-07 23:33:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pha

2007-02-07 23:32:34 · 7 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

What's Snow White's favorite drink?

7-up

2007-02-07 23:32:01 · 4 answers · asked by Baptized Disciple 5

Buxom, matronly Paris Hilton has a kind of Uri Geller-style skill. If she rubs her breasts together, a ghost appears from her cleavage and does the dance of the seven onions on a tea towel before popping a sixpence in her hat.

2007-02-07 23:31:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

is reading the paper."Where does poo come from?" she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the girl."Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the goodstuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence
for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

2007-02-07 23:25:32 · 19 answers · asked by twinmumoct06 1

DOG WALKS INTO A PUB, SITS DOWN AND ORDERS A PINT. BARMAN GIVES HIM HIS BEER AND ASKS WHY HES LOOKING SO GLUM. DOG TELLS HIM HE'S JUST LOST HIS JOB AND ASKS IF HE KNOWS OF ANY WORK GOING. BARMAN SAYS HE DOESN'T BUT WITH YOUR TALENT SURELY YOU COULD GET A JOB WITH THE CIRCUS. DOG LOOKS AT HIM AS IF HE'S THICK AND REPLIES WHAT WOULD THE CIRCUS WANT WITH A PLUMBER!

2007-02-07 23:24:35 · 22 answers · asked by isastevie 1

Most creative answer wins. I'm not choosing the best answer. YOU are!

2007-02-07 23:22:00 · 9 answers · asked by Chris 5

2007-02-07 23:17:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 23:13:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 23:11:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jade Goody has been attacked in her home by someone with a large knife! police have arrested Shilpa Shettys Mother, Ma Shetty!! This fat ***** at works had a pop at me, so i want some insperation on proving that its not!

2007-02-07 23:06:45 · 29 answers · asked by Andy C 2

OK, I was on Internet at midnight last night, and my Dad comes in and come out with " isnt that bloody internet thing closed at this time of night for crying out loud ?"
The World Wide Web in his mind closed at 11 pm.
I love him !!

2007-02-07 23:04:24 · 31 answers · asked by ravey 3

2007-02-07 22:50:35 · 13 answers · asked by glim_reva 1

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

2007-02-07 22:34:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Click link, scroll down. Funny?

http://www3.sympatico.ca/srajano/jokes.html

2007-02-07 22:31:49 · 7 answers · asked by Heathcliff 2

It's an old one I can't recall. Thank you.

2007-02-07 22:17:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

or is honesty the best policy??

2007-02-07 22:10:56 · 9 answers · asked by unnerving_sympathy 1

A girl like me? See my link in my profile

2007-02-07 22:08:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anaïs 2

Speaking ENglish Could Kill You !!!
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the American.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

THE MEDICAL CONCLUSION IS;

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

2007-02-07 21:57:22 · 7 answers · asked by OK 3

Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's p*nis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Aww sh!t!.... They got my girlfriend too!"

2007-02-07 21:49:38 · 17 answers · asked by Jay A 3

the answer will be in given 7 days from now.

2007-02-07 21:47:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.

2007-02-07 21:44:40 · 13 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A guy heard from his doctor that m*sturb*ting before sex could help him last longer. So he decided to try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, so he thought about the restroom but that was too open. He considered an alley but figured he might get mugged.

Finally, he was inspired. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road, got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to m*sturb*te, closed his eyes & thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to org*sm, he felt a quick tug on the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the org*sm, he kept his eyes shut and said, "What?"

"This is the police. What's going on here?" Came the reply

"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Said the man

2007-02-07 21:40:10 · 10 answers · asked by Jay A 3