Can anyone tell me a good joke please?

Question

I need to laugh.
But please no sexual content(I know they're good,but...)
Thank you!

Answer 1

This will have you rolling on the floor LYAO:

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little idiot has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Answer 2

A guy walks into a bar and demands a drink:
Gimme some whiskey or I'll do what my dad did!
The bartender gives him a shot, the duy drinks it and walks out without paying. Next day same thing. He went on like that for a week... Finally, the bartender has had enough, and calls the police. The policeman hides under the counter and when the guy comes to demand his drink he pulls out his gun and says: so what did your father do?
Reply: He stayed sober, he said and then walked out without his drink.

Answer 3

this guy is looking through the paper one day and spots an ad in the paper: SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH, THE MISSING LINK, MATE WITH APE $1000. so the guy drives down to the science lab and meets up with a scientist. The scientist askes the guy if he is ready for this and he responds "sure just under 2 conditions". "whats that?" says the scientist. "1 you must never tell my wife and 2 you have to let me pay in installments"

Answer 4

sure, heres one:

two guys meet in heaven

guy 1: hi, how'd you die?
guy 2: I froze do death.
guy 1: wow, sorry bout that..musta been pretty painful.
guy 2: well, it wasn't any fun, that's for sure. and how did you die?
guy 1: I died of happyness.
guy 2: what?? how is that possible??
guy 1: well, for months I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so one night I kame home early, and I searchen every where. I searched in the attic, under the bed, in the closet, in the cellar, even under the sink, and when I found no one, I was so happy, that I died.
guy 2: you idiot, had you looked in the fridge I wouldn't have died!!!

Answer 5

I donno if its funny or not..

I've got three riddle...
Ques:

1)How do u put a giraffe in a fridge?
2)How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
3)The lion summoned every animal to come, he has an announcement to make.Which one of the animal did not come and why?






Ans:

1)Open the door of the fridge, put in the giraffe than close the door again.
2)Open the door of the fridge take out the giraffe, put in the elephant then close the door of the fridge.
3)The elephant.Because it is still in the fridge.

Answer 6

There´s a man with no arms and no legs at a bus stop, a guy walks past and says "alright mate, how you getting on?"

Answer 7

The army boys have a night off. Having heard of 8 beautiful young ladies living in a farm close by, they go and try to invite them out.
The first guy comes up to the door, father opens up.."Hi, my name's Lance, can I take your daughter France to the dance, is there a chance?"
-Yeah, ok, just bring her back by midnight.
Second guy, " hi, my name's Ray, I would like to take your daughter Faye to the play, is that ok?
-Ok, ...same thing.
Third guy , "Hi, my name's Blair, if I took your daughter Clair to the fair would you care?"
-Yeah, allright.
Fourth, ?"Hi my name's Terry, can I take your daughter Kerry for a ride on the Ferry? I know it's raining but I usually don't pick the cherry..."
-Fine....
"Hi, my name's John, can I take your daughter Brom to the prom?It won't take long."
The farmer gets a little tired of all this...
"My name's Marty, can I take your daughter Millany to the party?
-Whatever.
"Hi my name's Trent, I want to take your daughter Clemente back to my tent, do I have your consent?
...Starting to get angry....
Last guy shows up "Hi, my name's Tucker......BAM
The farmer shot him.

...I guess he was tired of poetry.

Answer 8

..a little dumb ditty..

Pete and repeat are sitting on a fence --- Pete fell off, who's left?



.. repeat !


(Sometimes, you get to 3 or 4 times before the person you're telling it too get's it. LOL)

Answer 9

Jack called Dave but Dave didn`t look at him Why???

Because his name was Bill..

Answer 10

Why did the gay guy get fired from the sperm bank?-Because he got caught drinking on the job.


Is that appropriate? I can't tell.