Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

2007-02-06 23:31:08 · 16 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;

"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

2007-02-06 23:29:50 · 10 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."

2007-02-06 23:14:08 · 37 answers · asked by David B 3

George, what happened, I preferred you as a pink fat hippo????

2007-02-06 22:58:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 22:56:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were driving to go see Disneyland in California one day. They finally saw a sign that read; "DISNEYLAND-LEFT".....so they truned around and went home!

2007-02-06 22:28:42 · 11 answers · asked by charks love 6

there are only 3 words in english language ending in "gry". 1 is "angry" and the 2nd is "hungry". Everyone knows what the 3rd one means and what it stands for. Everyone uses them everyday and if you listen to me carefully, I've given you the 3rd word. What is it? _ _ _ gry...

2007-02-06 22:27:47 · 9 answers · asked by Balde 1

Title: find the error
Find the error. It's impossible!

AA
BB
CC
DD
EE
FF
GG
HH
II
JJ
KK
LL
MM
NN
OO
PP
QQ
RR
SS
TT
UU
VV
WW
XX
YY
ZZ

2007-02-06 22:22:02 · 21 answers · asked by anna 7

She was a
B-B Gun Packing
Diaper Wearing
Mallet Toting
Mama
riding her life away

2007-02-06 22:20:30 · 10 answers · asked by Mrs. T 4

a man walks into a bar........................OUCH!!!!!!!!!!
HAHA!!

2007-02-06 22:05:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

2007-02-06 22:02:59 · 14 answers · asked by Sandy 1

It's Robin's first time at the gynecologist.

The doctor leads her to the stirrups, and as she sits down, she's scared to death.

"You're nervous aren't you?" asks the gynecologist.

"Yes," admits the girl. "I've never been to the gynecologist before."

"Well, then," he says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"

"Please."

So he sticks his nose between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num, num. .

2007-02-06 22:02:55 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 21:59:46 · 13 answers · asked by rulethisworldman 2

Little Jonny goes to school, and the teacher says,

"Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does
anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Jonny says, "M*s-tur-b*te."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Jonny, that's a mouthful."

"No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a bl*w-j*b." replies Little Jonny


Little Jonny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out "Miss Jones, I need to take a pi*s!!"

"Now, Jonny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go." Said Miss Jones

Little Jonny thinks for a bit & then says "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a TEN!"

2007-02-06 21:46:59 · 12 answers · asked by Jay A 3

IQ Quizz

How dumb are you???? Take this quiz, if you dare, and see! Most answers are numeric, that is 1, 45, 72, etc. Scoring is as follows: Correct Answers Rating
11 Genius
9-10 Above Normal
6-8 Normal
3-5 Slow
1-2 Idiot
0 Brain dead
1. Do they have a fourth of July in England? Yes No
2. How many birth days does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. In baseball, how many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a California man legally marry his widow's sister? Yes No
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep standing in a field and all but 9 drop down and die. How many sheep are left standing?
10. How many members of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

2007-02-06 21:15:14 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm & then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2 If it's a rush job, run in & interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire about how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me & advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I'm psychic.

5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office & really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

2007-02-06 21:08:42 · 13 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Three guys walk into a hotel and give the clerk $10 a piece for a room, for $30 altogether. After they get to their room, the clerk decides he charged them too much, so he gives the bell boy $5 to give back to them. On his way to the room, the bellboy realizes that he can't break $5 three ways, so he takes $2 and puts it in his pocket and just gives the three guys $1 back, so now they only spent $9 a piece on their room. 9x9=27 plus the 2 the bellboy took equals 29. Where did the other dollar go?

2007-02-06 20:49:19 · 7 answers · asked by flameofthewitch 2

A guy phones up his Boss¢ home, but gets the boss' wife instead.

"I'm afraid he died last week", she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week"

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU
TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

2007-02-06 20:36:41 · 14 answers · asked by donia f 4

Two planes headed towards each other, and are currently 440 miles apart. If one is going 240 miles per hour and the other 360 miles per hour, how far apart will they be four minutes before they meet? (Extra credit if you can do this one without pen and paper.)

2007-02-06 20:16:49 · 9 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

You are locked in a jail cell with no windows. and you need to tap out a message on the wall for the man in the other cell next to you. The problem is that you have to do it at exactly 9:15 PM, when the guard outside is switched, so your noise won't be noticed. You can't hear the switching of the guards through your walls, and you have no clock.

There is a faucet with water dripping very consistently from it in the corner, but you don't know if it is dripping at 30 or 40 or however many drops per minute, and that wouldn't give you the time in any case. You can just make out the chiming of a church bell, but it chimes just once at the top of each hour, so you can't tell the time from that. You can feel the wall facing west start to cool after the sun sets, but you don't know what time the sun is setting, and this isn't very precise in any case. Your dinner is always passed into your cell between 6:15 and 6:45. How do you determine when it is exactly 9:15 PM?

2007-02-06 20:02:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patrick said to his new wife, a blonde, why is there an L in one of my wellies and an R in the other, silly man she replied, the L goes on the left foot and the R goes on the right. That's clever he replied they ought to do that with more things, they do she replied, I get my pants from C & A.

2007-02-06 20:00:48 · 22 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

A Lawyer can solve 32 math riddles per hour, and his friend Sam takes three hours to solve the same number. If they both work on them, how long will it take for them to solve 32 math riddles?

2007-02-06 19:57:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

My life can be measured in hours,
I serve by being devoured.
Thin, I am quick
Fat, I am slow
Wind is my foe.
What am I?

2007-02-06 19:55:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Suppose you want to cook an egg for exactly 3 minutes. You have only a 5 minute hourglass timer and a 2 minute hourglass timer. Using these 2 timers, how can you boil the egg for exactly 3 minutes?

2007-02-06 19:52:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

2007-02-06 19:47:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

2007-02-06 19:44:31 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Was in Glasgow yesterday and visited local sandwich makers SUBWAY for something to eat.

Whilst standing in line to be served I noticed a young attractive lady in front of me.

The fellow behind the counter said to her would you like a "6 inch or 12 inch". ( meaning the roll)

With a dirty smile she replied " Oh 6 inch as that all I can take"

And as he was make up the roll I added "Think I will have to have a 12 inch, as I'm not bending mine in half for anyone"

She burst out laughing in the shop and went bright red.

2007-02-06 19:29:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.What day of the week is the best for having fried food?

2.What kind of dog has no tail?

3.I get dirty when your face and hands become clean.What am I?

4.What is there between sea and sky?

5.What goes up but never comes down?

2007-02-06 19:25:35 · 8 answers · asked by Pretty woman 1

That was told to me for so many years, I think my brain got washed out to sea. How about you. Humor and laughter please, we need it.

2007-02-06 19:01:12 · 2 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

there was a dutch man drinking some skotch, an american drinking vodka, and a mexican drinking tequila... so the dutch man gets his glass and throws it up in the air and shoots it... then the american asks "y did u do that?" and the dutch man replies "we have alot of these in my country" then the american drinks his vodka and shoots the mexican then the dutch man asks "y did u do that?" and the american replies "we have alot of these in my country"



n don think im racist against mexicans because im mexican myself... i jus thought it was funny...

2007-02-06 17:49:29 · 25 answers · asked by abcdefg 2