Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

to get to her other man

2007-02-06 06:38:56 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

2007-02-06 06:38:18 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little f#@%r has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

2007-02-06 06:36:05 · 6 answers · asked by Vasago 4

I was in a men's room in Jersey City, NJ the other day, and it had an amusing limerick that went: "sex is great, sex is grand, if you can't have sex, there's always your hand." so then I wondered what was the funniest thing someone has ever seen written on a men's room wall, stall, port a potty, etc. Let me know! Don't forget to write where you were when you saw it!

2007-02-06 06:30:08 · 9 answers · asked by Nitro_Fan2001 2

OK THERE IS A NEW GUY IN TOWN AND AND HE HAD JUST GOT THERE FOR BIZNESS SO HE SAT DOWN IN A BAR AND HE HE WAKKED UP TO THE THE BAR TENDER AND AND HE SAW A JAR FULL OF MONEY AND THE MAN ASKED WHATS THE JAR FOR AND THE BAR TENDER SAID THAT I BET THE MEN OF THE TOWN THAT THEY COULD NOT GO IN THE BACK AND MAKE THAT OLD HORSE LAUGH SO HE SAID I CAN SO THE MAN WENT TO THE BACK AND FEW MIN LATER HE CAME BACK IN AND THE HORSE WAS LAUGHING SO THE MAN TOOK THE JAR FULL OF MONEY AND LEFT BACK TO HIS TOWN AND THAT OLD HORSE WOULD NOT STOP LAUGHING SO MONTHS WENT BYE AND THE MAN CAME BACK AND WENT BACK TO THE BAR AND AND AND HE SAW ANOTHER JAR AND HE ASKED THE MAN WHATS THIS JAR FOR THE BAR TENDER SAID ITS FOR THE PERSON THAT CAN MAKE THAT DAMN HORSE SHUT UP SO THE MAN WENT BACK OUT THERE AND AND A FEW MIN LATER THE HORSE HAD STOPED SO THE MAN TOOK THE JAR AND GOT READY GO THE TENDER ASKED HOW DID YOU GET HIM TO LAUGH I TOLD HIM MY DICK WAS BIGGER SO DID YOU GET HIM TO STOP I PROVED IT TO HIM

2007-02-06 06:29:54 · 3 answers · asked by K@@L-AiD 1

That bastard ain't good for crap.

2007-02-06 06:25:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 06:24:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

...Of land, you eat the outer and throw away the inner;
...Of sea, you eat the inner and throw away the outer...

HeHe

2007-02-06 06:22:06 · 7 answers · asked by Uchiha 1

i just got to show you this Q From P&S usa
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Atd9pJ.qrtRlGeLTfYMZJJI2CAx.?qid=20070206103635AAkwIPB

2007-02-06 06:18:34 · 1 answers · asked by Quady 3

2007-02-06 06:15:52 · 4 answers · asked by babygirl 3

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says.

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' an d is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

2007-02-06 05:54:54 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ 5

2007-02-06 05:54:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 05:51:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys walk into town. They go into a hotel and ask for a room they can share. The clerk has just the thing they want for thirty dollars. The clerk sends them to the room, takes out the ledger, and realizes that he made a mistake. The room costs only twenty-five dollars. Now he has to divide five dollars evenly three ways. Can't be done. So the clerk pockets two dollars, tells the guys that he made a three dollar mistake and gives them each a single. Now, each man paid only nine dollars for his share of the room. Nine times three equals twenty seven, plus the two in the clerk's pocket equals twenty nine. Where's the other dollar?

2007-02-06 05:48:52 · 4 answers · asked by babygirl 3

3 guys walk in a hotel to get a room. clerk says "that's $150." so each guy divies up $50. for their share of the room. later the hotel manager checks out the registry and sees that the clerk over-charged the 3 guys by $50. and tells the clerk to refund the guys the $50. so the clerk takes 5 ten's out of the register and goes to their room. on the way up the elevator he thinks; "how the hell am i gonna split $50. evenly between the 3 guys?" he decides that he'll give each guy back $10. and pocket $20. which adds up to the $50. he took from the till.
now the question to the riddle is this: if each guy got back $10. from the original $50. they each paid, that means the 3 guys paid a total of $120. for the room. $40.x3=$120. right? so if that's true, and the clerk pocketed $20. what happened to the other $10.?

2007-02-06 05:42:47 · 13 answers · asked by filotofo 1

With out hurting anyone- tell me about them.

2007-02-06 05:30:40 · 5 answers · asked by Denise W 6

(that was the question)

2007-02-06 05:27:46 · 12 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

2007-02-06 05:22:33 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 05:20:52 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!

I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

...so I told her to f**k off.

2007-02-06 05:20:14 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last one as I have to get ready for work!!!!!


If you ever get pulled over for speeding!

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying `B` told you I was speeding, as well.

2007-02-06 05:19:32 · 16 answers · asked by Tink 5

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

2007-02-06 05:17:53 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.

2007-02-06 05:15:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am really bored anyone got any good jokes to give me a chuckle!!!!!

2007-02-06 05:14:31 · 1 answers · asked by ? 6

The Gas Men

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

2007-02-06 05:14:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.

The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"

The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

2007-02-06 05:13:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde woman driving down a country road one day when she saw a most amazing site. There, in the middle of a field, was another blonde woman trying desperately to row a boat. The blonde woman that was driving pulled over and yelled at the other blonde "It is blondes like you that makes all of us blondes look bad. And if I could swim, I would swim over there and kick your butt!"

2007-02-06 05:11:04 · 5 answers · asked by gleemonex69 3

No legs have I to dance,
No lungs have I to breathe,
No life have I to live or die
And yet I do all three.
What am I?

2007-02-06 05:05:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy was standing with his teacher in front of the blackboard which had a picture of a cow on it. ~The little boy asks...."What is that?" the teacher replies "A cow" then the little boy points at the udders and asks "What is that?" The teacher replies "Those are udders" then the little boy says..."Well my Daddy has only one!"

2007-02-06 05:05:25 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times.

2007-02-06 05:05:24 · 10 answers · asked by Lori 4