Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

2007-02-06 01:36:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

2007-02-06 01:30:08 · 27 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-06 01:20:52 · 9 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

only the fastest swimmer survived and was given a great reward (become human) so he trained hard each day. Rumours circulating the testicle were that he even visited the heart and the kidney in his quest to achieve speed when swimming long distances. When the time came ..... whooooooooosh he was gone, leaving the others way behind, but after a few minutes they saw him swimming back as fast as posible shouting, guys go back!!!!! I said go back!!!!!!!!! Its a hand job!!!

2007-02-06 01:20:50 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a man, I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I was born in 1980. Who am I?

2007-02-06 01:12:58 · 22 answers · asked by chrisjrparry 1

the fastest swimmer is the only one who survives and gets a great reward (become human), so this sperm called Jack trained hard every day since he came into being. Rumours circulating in the testicle were that he even visited the heart and the kidney. When the time came.. woooooooosh ,he was gone leaving the others way behind, but after a few minutes the others say him swimming back as fast as he possible shouting, guys go back!!!!!! go back now!!!!!! its a hand job

2007-02-06 01:11:27 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

2007-02-06 00:46:39 · 16 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw
the time and went back to the garage, covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

2007-02-06 00:39:53 · 23 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-06 00:39:11 · 8 answers · asked by zanydumplings 3

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

2007-02-06 00:24:35 · 10 answers · asked by Jay A 3

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

* "I am a rabid typist."

*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."

* "Qualifications: No education or experience."

* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

2007-02-06 00:20:17 · 26 answers · asked by Tink 5

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"

"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."

"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."

And the man peacefully passed away.

Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."

2007-02-06 00:15:39 · 13 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Wasn't it
'Shaving Ryans Privates'

2007-02-05 23:53:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

were told to play an imaginery ball during play time, so they were kicking the air and acting like they were chasing the ball. a guy was passing by the field and wondered what was going on. The mental patients came in his direction and one of them stopped and said, ''please can we have our ball back. He was a bit confused but made a hands motion like he was throwing the ball back at them and they continued to play, A matron who was watching said to his colegues, theres that guy who escaped last week lets get him. So he was injected and detained

Moral of the story: when you see people doing funny things, dont get involved in any way

2007-02-05 23:50:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.

Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, Daddy?"

2007-02-05 23:50:03 · 14 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about, You're simply going through the change."

2007-02-05 23:48:38 · 14 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

An elderly couple, Ray and Betty, are "seniors" in Montana. Ray always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house
and says to his wife:

"Notice anything different about me?"

Betty looks him over: "Nope."


Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time,


"Notice anything different NOW?"

Betty looks up and says: "Ray, what's different? It was hanging down
yesterday, it's hanging down today, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells:

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BETTY?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"

To which Betty replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

2007-02-05 23:47:34 · 10 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store.

He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

2007-02-05 23:47:25 · 6 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

2007-02-05 23:44:35 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Johnny was on holiday, dancing and getting on rather well with a beautiful blonde lady. As the night and drink progressed the talk got around to the inevitable and he told her that his hang up was that he could only make love to natural blondes, to which he was assured that she was.
Later on when she was undressing in his room he noticed that she had a rather dark patch of hair where it should have been blonde, he pointed this out to her and she replied ‘you know when your doing DIY and you hit your thumb with the hammer, it turns black doesn’t it?, Well believe me that’s had plenty of hammer.

2007-02-05 23:40:32 · 23 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

2007-02-05 23:27:39 · 20 answers · asked by manish b 2

A man and his wife went in a buchers and see sed is that a lamb in the window? He sed on its a mirror. was that funny?

2007-02-05 23:26:02 · 12 answers · asked by philip k 1

rapes a woman customer, then runs away.
Headlines in the Evening Paper
Nut Screws Washer and Bolts

2007-02-05 23:26:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the year 1201, a woman was 35 years old. In the year 1206, the same woman was 30. How is this possible?

2007-02-05 23:25:35 · 7 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

If Peter Piper picked a peck of peckled peppers, does that mean he has homosexual tendancies, and if he does, does he watch "queer eye for the straight guy"?

2007-02-05 23:19:50 · 5 answers · asked by Josh 4

I Have the punchline "ther're Flutiful" but not the joke to go with it. If you are not from the Uk you will have no idea about this!

2007-02-05 23:18:42 · 9 answers · asked by Monkeyphil 4

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent
them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope no
Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent
theTrinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is
still only one God common to both our beliefs."

"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He
responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here
with us."

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves
us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original
sin.", "He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Rabbi Moishe. "First the Pope said to me
that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews,
and I said to him, we're staying right here."

“And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took
out mine."

2007-02-05 23:13:41 · 26 answers · asked by GoreyAlan Fáilte 4

Whats rudolphs favourite group simply red. was that funny?

2007-02-05 23:10:15 · 10 answers · asked by philip k 1

On their wedding day - the husband made his new wife swore never to open the little box he keeps under their bed. She never did. 65 years later the husband is lying on his death bed and the wife can't keep her curiousity in anymore.
She goes to their bed and gets the little box from underneath. She forces the box open to find two eggs and $3000 in it. That's nothing to hide she thinks to herself and confronts her dying husband.

At first he was upset that she looked in the box but than he says to her well, I'm dying so I might as well tell you.
Everytime I cheated on you I put an egg in the box.
The wife than said well two eggs, that means you cheated only twice in 65 years of marriage - it's not too bad I suppose. What about the $3000.
Well, her husband said - Everytime I had a dozen eggs - I sold it

2007-02-05 22:57:20 · 11 answers · asked by Juanita L 2

hey people just a little question that NEEDS to be answered for surbey reasons! :P
Do you think eating a chocolate mousse every night is unhealthy?

2007-02-05 22:55:29 · 19 answers · asked by VintageSecret-xo 1