Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2007-02-06 05:05:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm sometimes white,
Although sometimes I'm black.
I take you there,
But never bring you back.
What am I?

2007-02-06 05:04:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok so I want to know some funny jokes that I can tell some 20 year old guy's that rock climb. So just put in any funny joke you know, thankies...

2007-02-06 05:00:27 · 13 answers · asked by Stephanie and lindsay 1

A woman was sitting in the waiting room of a dentist, obviously scared of the place.

"Somthing wrong?" the dentist asked after calling her through.

"Not really," she replied, "I just really don't like needles."

"Ahh, not to worry!" he said as she sat down, deciding too tell her a spoof story about his rubber gloves as he pulled them on, "You know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No," the woman said, interested, "How?"

"Well, the manufactorer gets all the dentists to dip their hands in melted lantex and walk about as it drys before packing it all up and sending it off," He told her. Just as he was about to numb her mouth, he had to stop for she was laughing so hard. "What's so funny?" he asked.

Between her laughs, the woman replied, "I've just thought of how condoms are made!!"

2007-02-06 04:57:22 · 26 answers · asked by Rhiann 2

With a shovel....Doug
without a shovel....Douglas
Who hangs around the bushes...Russel
With rabbits in his a*se....Warren
no arms or legs in the sea....Bob
Laid infront of your door....Mat
whos been buiried for 2000 years....Pete

Mabey old but still raise a chuckle.......anybody got antmore??

2007-02-06 04:56:46 · 14 answers · asked by mowmowball 1

A virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my paren

2007-02-06 04:52:49 · 9 answers · asked by fire 3 1

The afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no
afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."


"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

2007-02-06 04:35:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An oldie but goodie.

Three guys on a road trip decide to stop for the night. At the motel the desk clerk says he has one room left and it’s $30.00. The guys put in $10.00 each and off they go to the room.

A while later the desk clerk realizes the room was only $25.00 and he had overcharged the men by $5.00. He gives the housekeeper five $1.00 bills and sends him to the room to repay the men.

On the way, he realizes that $5.00 cannot be divided evenly by three people, so he keeps $2.00 and gives them $1.00 each. That means the each guy paid $9.00 for the room.

Now, $9.00 x 3 = $27.00, plus the $2.00 the housekeeper kept equals $29.00. Where’s the other buck?

2007-02-06 04:34:08 · 5 answers · asked by Jim C 5

A butcher man's height is 5'11, what does he weigh?

2007-02-06 04:33:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 04:28:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men check into a hotel. The clerk charges them 21 dollars. Each man gives seven dollars. Later on, the clerk realizes he over charged them 5 dollars. He calls the bellhop over and instructs him to divide the $5
between the three men. When the bellhop goes up to the room he knows he can't divide the money evenly, so he gives each man a buck and keeps the remaining two for himself. Now, this means each man paid 6 bucks($18) the bellhop kept 2 bucks. That's 20, where is the last dollar?

2007-02-06 04:23:49 · 9 answers · asked by byzantine 2

every Superbowl sunday some bad sh it always happens to me... this particular Sunday i woke up and gently kicked my friends screen door,,,,,, it turns out i broke it and cost about 200$ to replace..... two hours later i drove to another buddys house and wrestled with his dog... i flipped the dog as usual but this time dogs paw got jammed on carpet and broke his leg vet bill was 150$ !! is that crazy or what two incidents within three hours on super bowl sunday that cost me 300$!!

2007-02-06 04:18:24 · 2 answers · asked by flavorlicious 2

thanks a lot for those last compliments, really lightened me up.... ('_') :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

2007-02-06 04:17:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 04:12:53 · 10 answers · asked by baby 2

You have two sides,
one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out,
and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out,

and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out,

and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out,


that is the end of the game!

2007-02-06 04:11:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

For a while all I heard was polish and blond jokes...I need to hear some again....PLEASE make them funny...

2007-02-06 04:09:44 · 6 answers · asked by ~J*me~ 3

Ed and Ted were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
..Ed said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
..Ted said, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
..So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Ed wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Ted.
.. Ted said, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
.. Ed said, "I feel great. How about you?"
.. Ted said, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
.. Ed said, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
.. "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
.. "What's that?"
.. "Have you farted yet?"
.. "No....." "Well DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

2007-02-06 04:09:41 · 22 answers · asked by Tink 5

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

2007-02-06 04:01:48 · 15 answers · asked by bootygirl 2

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?


If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?


Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?


Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?


Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?


Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?


Is sign language the same in languages other than English?


Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?


Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?


If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

2007-02-06 03:59:13 · 12 answers · asked by baby 2

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from dirrahea, does that mean one of them enjoy it?

2007-02-06 03:58:44 · 6 answers · asked by mnymn177 3

MATH PROBLEM

HERE IS A MATH TRICK SO UNBELIEVABLE THAT IT WILL STUMP YOU. PERSONALLY I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO CAME UP WITH THIS AND WHY THAT PERSON IS NOT RUNNING THE COUNTRY.

1 GRAB A CALCULATOR---NOT AN ADDING MACHINE. (YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THIS ONE IN YOUR HEAD)

2. KEY IN THE FIRST THREE DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER (NOT THE AREA CODE)

3. MULTIPLY BY 80

4. ADD 1

5. MULTIPLY BY 250

6. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER

7. ADD THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER AGAIN.

8. SUBTRACT 250

9. DIVIDE NUMBER BY 2

DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE ANSWER?

2007-02-06 03:57:20 · 12 answers · asked by Bev 5

2007-02-06 03:55:23 · 17 answers · asked by baby 2

2007-02-06 03:52:55 · 6 answers · asked by baby 2

2007-02-06 03:50:19 · 5 answers · asked by Dont call me retarded 1

why is it that EVERY SINGLE person that gets on an elevator, they push the button to the floor they want to go to, even though the button is already lit up?????? Also, why do people when theyre at home CONSTANTLY run back to their refridgerator even though they know they havent gone to the store AND theyre not even hungry???

2007-02-06 03:49:23 · 6 answers · asked by Bugalachoo 2

I just wanted to know if anyone felt to love Prince brought to the atmosphere?

2007-02-06 03:41:11 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If possible, pls gimme your country & marital status too (married, not married, divorced, single, in a relationship etc)

2007-02-06 03:40:08 · 19 answers · asked by tornjeansandguitar 3

a guy dies and goes to hell, the devil gives him 3 choices to do for the rest of his life. he shows him 3 doors each1 reveling what is beneth it.... behind door 1 he sees a man who shoots himself over & over again. behind door 2, he sees a man climbing stairs and falling downstairs again, and so on... he goes to the third door and sees a pool full of not water, but poo! and three people standing in it having a conversation. he thinks, "at least this one doesn't involve getting hurt!" and he chooses the 3rd door. after he climbs in and starts to talk and make friends, a fat guy climbs into the room and yells "BREAK'S OVER, DOWN NOW!!!" confused, he looks around him only to find that everyone has stuck their heads in the pool of sh*t!!!

2007-02-06 03:36:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a barrel of water weights 20 pounds,. what must you add to it to make it weight 12 pounds?

2007-02-06 03:32:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead."
"Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."
"I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?"
"$230."
"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"
"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."

2007-02-06 03:29:30 · 44 answers · asked by Tink 5