Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

This is my favourite joke.

Q:How did captin hook die?
A:He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!
You love it or hate it!!

2007-02-10 06:55:28 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

video its pretty good

2007-02-10 06:51:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Man went to a nudist camp and he stripped off an walked around for the first time trying to get settled in..
A woman shapely and petite walked by him and he immediately got an errect.ion...She looked at him and said" i know you fancy me because you have given me a sign so come on" and dragged him down by the side of the swimmimg pool and you can guess the rest...
Two hours later as he sat down in the sauna he broke wind just as a hairy man stepped out of the steam. "Ohhh you have given me a sign" said the man "so come here" and he grabbed the man and dragged him to the back of the steam room.you can guess the rest. The man went straight to reception handed in his keys and asked for his clothes back..The receptionist was aghast, "why are you leaving us so soon" she asked. "well" said the man" i am 65 i get an errecti.on once a month but i break wind 15 times a day."..

2007-02-10 06:49:02 · 25 answers · asked by chris w. 7

AAALLL

HINT*It is a christian song title!!!

2007-02-10 06:44:53 · 5 answers · asked by ♪-~`*guitar♫chick*`~-♪ 3

anyone know any good jokes?? i can never remember the ones i get told and i want to impress my wrk mates with a few jokes, they can be as rude as you like, thankyou

2007-02-10 06:41:52 · 21 answers · asked by torvil 1

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

2007-02-10 06:41:18 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you please tell me some really funny jokes (LMFAO stuff)... i don't care how long they are or if they are dirty.... i need a good laugh... the best one gets 10, well 12 points if you count the 2 for answering, also....

no "best ones" please

2007-02-10 06:39:21 · 18 answers · asked by girl_of_your_dreams_1331 4

Man at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

2007-02-10 06:38:24 · 17 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

2007-02-10 06:34:06 · 10 answers · asked by Smurf 7

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

2007-02-10 06:33:39 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2007-02-10 06:33:11 · 8 answers · asked by John in AZ 4

2007-02-10 06:31:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

"bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

2007-02-10 06:31:15 · 7 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Cows drink water. If you said "milk," Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.

2007-02-10 06:29:58 · 8 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I
want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing
beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

2007-02-10 06:27:14 · 14 answers · asked by Smurf 7

Please help me on any changes or anything that I need to do.
I know I messed up.
but there is no other way that i can find out. please help.


Imbibe eager cheetah
the sunset has rised
hurry up and get your water
before the elephants give you a surprise

2007-02-10 06:26:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

2007-02-10 06:25:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Billl Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush went into a rest room, The man on the door said, Be careful there is a magic mirror in there and anyone who doesn't tell the truth will be sucked into it..If you tell the truth you will be rewarded..
Well Bill Clinton was washing his hands and looking into the mirror and said "What the heck i'm gonna have a go."..I think i am smarter than the other 2 in here. and he was rewarded with a wadge of money....
Al Gore said" oohh i like that i'm gonna have a go.and so he said "I think i care about the enviroment more than the other two in here" and he was rewarded the same as Mr. Clinton
George Bush thought oh wow i'm having a go at that and so he said " I think "and he was immediately sucked into the mirror.......

2007-02-10 06:24:25 · 35 answers · asked by chris w. 7

harelip asks the barkeep, "would thyou wathch my beer I gotta go take a pith." After about 15 minutes the hairlip comes back and the barkeep notices his hair is all messed up and the guy looks very depressed, so barkeep asks what's wrong. "Well I'm in the Johthn and a guy comths in and pulls out a gun and thez, "Give me a BJ our I'll blow your head off." The barkeep says, "Well what happened?" The harelip says, "Well you didn't hear a gunthoot did ya?"

2007-02-10 06:16:44 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

just came across an old chemistry book, describing the size of the atom (to us less knowledgable folk) If it were possible to drill a tiny hole in a lightbulb and feed into it atoms at the rate of 10,000,000 per second, it would take 100,000 years to fill, Did you know that? sorry for this useless information

2007-02-10 06:15:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, "You got any grapes?"
Guy at the counter says, "No, we don't have any grapes."
Duck says "okay." and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says "You got any grapes?"
The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes."
The duck says "Okay." and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?"
The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!"
The duck replies "Okay," and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any nails?"
The man at the counter says "No."
The duck says, "Well then, you got any grapes?"

2007-02-10 06:13:54 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Snow White has been expelled from the Disneyland Idol contest. She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face singing, Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

2007-02-10 06:12:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says,
"You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit."

The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."

The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line."
The guy says, "I can't."
The cop says, "Why not?"
The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"

2007-02-10 06:12:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

explain your thoughts and if a tree would even fall.

2007-02-10 06:06:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

seen a strange thing today my car was parked outside and i had a petrol leak,this cat came a long and started lapping it up next minute it was running around mental biting things and running around mad next minute bang the cat collapsed and lay motionless it wasnt dead it had just run out of petrol haha

2007-02-10 06:04:03 · 15 answers · asked by DAVID C 2

Reply
Is your birthday
day 1 of the month?
Your Life
You are very curious and dedicative. When you are interested in something, everything else has to wait. This is your quality. But if you learn to Be more patient and complete what you have started, you will be successful in life.
Your Love
You believe in love at first sight. You won't wait to learn more about the person. Vise versa, people who fail to impress you will hardly get a chance to be your friend. Your emotion is on the extreme. You can only love or hate, nothing in between and this often shows in your ________expression. Try not to end a relationship in a quarrel.
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Is your birthday day 2 of the month?
Your Life
You have great common sense but usually fail to follow through. This might happens because you are too busy with your mission and shut yourself from the outside world. You are clever and profound so there's a slight chance for self-control problem.
Your Love
Your love progress slowly, and quietly. You seem to be contented with your unrequited love. Your are a romantic and loyal lover.
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Is your birthday day 3 of the month?
Your Life
Although you are innocent and romantic but your ________expression often mislead others that you are an active, fun loving kid. Because of your double personality, it's hard for others to really know the real you. You are careful and patient.
Your Love
Your love is the greatest which often surprises others. No one can bring you to light when you are in love. Your confidence might lead you to the track your parents disagree .
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Is your birthday day 4 of the month?
Your Life
You usually think before acting which makes your life quite easy. But you often are the one who give yourself a hard time by being paranoid. People might not truly understand you but you are really nice to be around. You are cheerful and friendly.
Your Love
Still water runs deep, that's what you are. You always surprise others with your new character when you are in love. Your love trap often comes unexpectedly and your love life is full of surprises.
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Is your birthday day 5 of the month?
Your Life
Although you are on the quiet side, but you enjoy excitement and changes. Routine is something you cannot stand. Because of your extreme confidence, you hardly ask others for opinion. You believe in leading your own life, and you have got the gift in doing so.
Your Love
Nothing can stop you from making progress in your love life. Once you are in love, you feel the ownership of your lover. A third party can only makes your jealousy becomes worse.
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Is your birthday day 6 of the month?
Your Life
You are generous with people in need, sometimes to an extreme that people find you nosey. Your hidden courage and dedication often surprise others. Your imagination is extremely unique.
Your Love
Your love life is on the smooth track because it grows from friendship.Although you may not make a sweet lover but your sincerity bring happiness to your couple.
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Is your birthday day 7 of the month?
Your Life
You are sensitive to changes around you but your feeling is hardly expressed. You hate exaggerations. Under your quiet personality, you are rather stubborn and self-centered. These qualities are the force behind your extreme persistence.
Your Love
You have enormous courage to please your lover. Your relationship often progress quickly.
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Is your birthday day 8 of the month?
Your Life
You have pleasant and friendly personality. People look u to your wit and imagination. You are unpredictable and hardly complete what you started, which sometimes create negative impact to people around you.
Your Love
Falling in love becomes your routine. Most of the time you are lucky. You fascinate people with good taste but you never have enough with one. Although your love progresses very fast, it never lasts.
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Is your birthday day 9 of the month?
your Life
You often have problem in promoting yourself, just because you don't know how to express your true self. On the other hand, you don't really care what they think. This is why people misunderstand you until they really get a chance to learn about your pleasant personality. Opposite sex find you mysterious and worth searching. Your wit is remarkable but sometimes you are too fast to follow.
Your Love
You won't reveal your feeling even after dreaming about the same guy over and over. Your first love lasts forever. You are responsible to the feeling of your lover. The chance to betray your lover is none. You have luck with children. You Will be Happy Always with u r Love Marraige. and she
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Is your birthday day 10 of the month?
Your Life
You are very capable. If you are a woman, you have high chance to be a renowned workingwoman. If you are a man, your path to fame and honor is near. As an innovator, you are not a good follower. You are good in implementing your imagination and share it with others. You are always well dressed.
Your Love
You often lose your love ones from being too jealous. You always feel like you own the person you fall in love with and that often blows your relationship.
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Is your birthday day 11 of the month?
Your Life
You are gracious, elegant and prudent. People admire your qualities and some even become jealous of you. You are realistic, flexible and adaptable. You are remarkably kind and moral person.
Your Love
You are willing to sacrifice yourself for the one you love. Your lover will always have your gentleness, care and loyalty. You will always be happy to hand around the one you love.
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Is your birthday day 12 of the month?
Your Life
You are friendly, humorous and full of energy. You are open-minded and do not care for minor details. Your weak point is your hot temper.
Your Love
You are willing to start off in one-sided love affairs because you strongly believe that you will eventually win his/her heart. On the other hand, once you are together, you always want to do things your way, which is often the fire starter. You usually run in and out of love quickly.
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Is your birthday day 13 of the month?
Your Life
You are sincere and easy going. Flattering and charming around are not your style. You care so much for freedom that often leads you to the difficult path. Because of your sincerity, most people find you easy to be around although you are sometimes too straightforward.
Your Love
Your gentleness, care and sincerity make you an attractive person. Eventhough you don't intend to be charming, but you naturally are, especially in the eyes of opposite sex.
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Is your birthday day 14 of the month?
Your Life
You are so confident that sometimes you forget about the people around you. If you have to be in one of the two teams, you will choose to be in the winning team. On the other hand, you are kind and caring but above all, you care for your own benefits. Your imagination is unique and often gets implemented shortly after it comes across.
Your Love
You will not get soft with the one you don't really like, no matter how hard he/she tries. But once you feel for someone you have chosen, there's no getting back.
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Is your birthday day 15 of the month?
Your Life
You are outgoing and love to be at the center of attention. From the outside, you may seem flashy, flirty, and tricky but your true self is strong, full of hope to be the leader. When you fail to convince someone, you will get frustrated, and perhaps let your temper shows.
Your Love
You are emotional. Many can win your heart at once, but not for long. This is why you hardly win a decent relationship.
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Is your birthday day 16 of the month?
Your Life
You always follow the good and the right instead of listening to your heart. Another word, you are a perfectionist. You care for every word people say about you. You often seen isolated while you are, by nature, curious and a dreamer who is ready to get over the edge to make your dream comes true.
Your Love
You often fall in love with a person who is much different from you, in age and other aspects. Your relationship grows on friendship. Love at fist sight is not your style.
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Is your birthday day 17 of the month?
Your Life
You neither want to be interfered nor have the desire to mess with others' life. But you are friendly and occasionally a party animal. You are always in a circle of friends. You often do things in your own way that occasionally go beyond the acceptable limit. People may find you childish and not very attractive in that sense.
Your Love
Your fun-loving character attracts opposite sex. Many of those are great. You often find yourself trapped among a few great guys while you have to choose only one.
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Is your birthday day 18 of the month?
Your Life
At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around.
Your Love
You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.
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Is your birthday day 19 of the month?
Your Life
You are great in managing everything in your life and this is how you gain respect from others. Because of this quality, you sometimes feel that you are better than the rest. Extreme confidence might lead you to the wrong path. You are a free bird and want to lead your own life.
Your Love
You love life is rather different from others'. When you are in love, nothing can stop you. You may often fight with your partner but, soon after that, you will make up in a way that surprises others.
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Is your birthday day 20 of the month?
Your Life
You are prudent, circumspect and take things seriously. Before you make any move, you will think of a few alternatives that might take a while. You are patient, imaginative and target oriented. You value friendship more than anything else.
Your Love
You usually study your partner carefully before making any move. You never demand anything beyond the natural quality of that person. Your sincerity doesn't bring excitement in your love life but it brings deeply grown relationship.
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Is your birthday day 21 of the month?
Your Life
You are curious and a true follower. You can please someone so much that it seem like you are trying to charm that person. You hide your disagreement under your smiling face. This is a charming quality of yours.
Your Love
You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream man is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy in your heart.
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Is your birthday day 22 of the month?
Your Life
You have the boss character, but not a leader. Most people look up to you for your capability and confidence although they find you quite stubborn. You should listen more to others. You are a unique and charming individual.
Your Love
You hardly take the moderate track. You either love or hate someone. Whom you call friends are the chosen ones. If any of them betray you, you won't let them get away without having hard time.
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Is your birthday day 23 of the month?
Your Life
You never live your life in the way others want you to. You are an independent individual who loves challenges and excitement. You are ready to face with the result of your decision. You are usually the one your friends count on.
Your Love
Because you love excitements, you occasionally get involved in forbidden love affairs. You may fall in love with a married person and no one can stop you from making progress. You are very charming, although you might not realize it.
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Is your birthday day 24 of the month?
Your Life
You are very optimistic and that's why you always enjoy life. You are gifted in entertaining others. Your friends love and trust you. You'll be the first they come to when they are in need of someone to speak their heart out.
Your Love
Sometimes you fall in love just because you want to be in love, not that you really like that person. You always be seen as a sweet couple but you can't really get over your love ones from past. Your partner is usually crazy about you because you are remarkably charming and romantic.
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Is your birthday day 25 of the month?
Your Life
You are a warrior. No obstacle can stop you from reaching your goal. You always keep yourself busy. This quality plus your responsibility will eventually bring you success.
Your Love
You adore your partner as the number one priority. You value your love one more than yourself. Your love is the greatest of all and your have potential to get married young.
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Is your birthday day 26 of the month?
Your Life
You are always curious and responsive to changes. Routine life is not the way you choose to live. Travelling is your favorite hobby because excitement is what you are after.
Your Love
You will not stand being around the one you dislike. Your love comes and goes quickly. You can be deeply in love but soon after you will be looking around for the next one.
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Is your birthday
day 27 of the month?
Your Life
You are sensitive and vulnerable. Tears often run down your cheeks even when the matter is not that bad. This might be the result from being to pessimistic. You might seem cold on the shell, but your inner self is a kind loving person.
Your Love
You will be elegantly dressed, no matter how casually dressed your date may be. You are emanding in love and sometimes to an unacceptable extend.
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Is your birthday day 28 of the month?
Your Life
You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability. This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. If you try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever.
Your Love
You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before seeing any progress in love.
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Is your birthday day 29 of the month?
Your Life
You can trust your sixth sense. Life is exciting so routine job is not your interest. You have great ideas and fantastic imagination. You often feel tired of things and people around you.
Your Love
You can tell what's in the mind of another person just from looking into his/her eyes. You are paranoid and jealous and these are the cause of fights between you and your lover. Sometimes the thing you believe in is just your imagination.
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Is your birthday day 30 of the month?
Your Life
You are always surrounded by a circle of friends. You are friendly and fun to be with. Though you occasionally disappoint them by being stubborn, but over all, they love your qualities.
Your Love
You want to have full control of your love and that's not a nice way to treat your partner. You take your time in saying yes to his wedding proposal or if you are a man, you will not propose anyone until you are certainly confident which might take ages.
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Is your birthday day 31 of the month?
Your Life
Your emotion is hard to predict. You can be sad this minute and happy in the next. People might find it difficult to follow your emotion and understand you. You tend to take things seriously.
Your Love
You take your time to study a person before falling in love. Once you decide that he or she is the one, no one can stop you from making progress, even your partner.

2007-02-10 06:03:31 · 9 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

2007-02-10 05:58:57 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

2007-02-10 05:55:56 · 16 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

my one is - The liver is evil....... and must be punished !!

2007-02-10 05:44:06 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is nothing to do! I have spent time with my friends and everything else (plus ask this dumb question) and I am bored out my mind! What should I do to pass the time by? (Funniest answer get's picked)!!!!

2007-02-10 05:41:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous