wat is the best joke you got?

Answer 1

desperately needs hearing aid...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him> fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be pleased that you can hear again." The
gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
_______________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we> went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What
is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You
know...the one that's red
and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's
the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled,"Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?
_____________________

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student
nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed
and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital. After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him. "I don't know," he said."She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
__________________________


A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things> down to help them
remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old
man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in
the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice
cream?"Sure.","Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?" she asks"No, I can
remember it.","Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to
forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that,write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he
toddles into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes, the
old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate
for a moment."Where's my toast?"
_______________________


Three old guys are out walking.First one says, "Windy,
isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I.Let's go get a beer."
__________________________


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art.It's perfect." "Really,"
answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
_____________________


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Answer 2

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 3

An American, a frenchman, and an englishman were walking through the amazon when they were captured by the natives. The natives told them that they were going to kill them and use their skins to make canoes. The 3 men would be given the choice on how they would die.

The Englishman said "Give me a gun." Upon getting the gun he said, "Love live the Queen!" and shot himself.

The Frenchman said,"Give me a sword." He said "Vive la France!" and impaled himself.

The American said "Give me a fork." Upon getting the fork, he began stabbing himself all over his body saying "F*ck your canoes!"

Answer 4

Well my teacher is huge, about 400 pds. She's very rude too. One time she said to me, "Ugh, why do have make up on? Is it drug store? Even worse!" so I said "Why is your booty shaking and you're just standing there?" My whole class started laughing, and i did too. She had nothing to say after that. She's also on the verge of being fired.



Krazy Libra

Answer 5

Its a dirty joke.
Two white horses fell in the mud.
A clean joke is
They took a shower

Answer 6

A man on a safari holiday finds himself deep in a forest after accidently shooting his friend while hunting. He calls for an air ambulance on his phone...."Doctor I've accidently shot my friend and he isn't moving. He could be dead. What do I do!?"
(Doctor) Tell me for sure if he's dead.
(BANG!!)
(Doctor) What was that?!
(Man) I've made sure he's dead. What do I do now?

Answer 7

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