Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

2007-02-10 05:39:46 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

2007-02-10 05:38:30 · 11 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A man and a boy who are walking together step out with their right feet first.The boy walks 3 paces while the man walks 2.When will they both put their left feet forward?Explain.

2007-02-10 05:32:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

which take away then ? or shall we forget that ?

2007-02-10 05:31:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok
1.get a calculater u cant do it in yr head
2.put in the first three digits of yr phone # (not yr area code)
3.multiply by 80
4.add one
5.multiply by 250
6.add last four digits of phone #
7.repeat step number 6
8.subtract 250
9.divide by 2
NOTICE ANY THING ABOUT THE NEW NUMBER!?

2007-02-10 05:29:47 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-10 05:27:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-10 05:21:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just 1 as off to work!!!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

2007-02-10 05:19:02 · 28 answers · asked by Tink 5

At her mother's funeral, a woman meets the man of her dreams. She has been waiting her whole life to meet a man like this. She knows instantly that he is the one. Unfortunately he left before she could get his last name or his phone number. She is devastated. 2 days later, she kills her sister. Why?

(My sister read somewhere that they gave this riddle to pyschopaths, and a lot of them got it right. While most people with normal brains get it wrong.)

2007-02-10 05:08:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-10 05:04:41 · 38 answers · asked by Shona L 5

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

2007-02-10 04:57:42 · 15 answers · asked by Smurf 7

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

2007-02-10 04:43:07 · 21 answers · asked by Smurf 7

What talks about itself a lot
To whom it’s spoken to;
Yet in its context is selfish not,
And this is very true.

It speaks of many, many things,
And troubles many more,
But the only message that it brings;
Its purpose is its core.

It starts off with double of its end,
But nothing’s shed at all.
In fact, all it needs to begin
Is what is in its walls.

So tell me, oh, please, tell me clear
What makes this riddle true?
The answer, my friend, is very near,
And makes it frank to you.

Please explain each paragraph when answering the complete question.

2007-02-10 04:40:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-10 04:39:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

2007-02-10 04:37:51 · 17 answers · asked by Smurf 7

2007-02-10 04:37:34 · 8 answers · asked by skyfahker 1

Two 90 year old women are sitting in front of a nursing home one day, smoking cigarettes, when it started to rain. The first woman pulls a condom out of her purse, snips of the tip of it and pulls it over her cigarette and finishes smoking.
The second woman looks at her and asks her "What are you doing?"
The first woman says "I'm keeping my cigarette dry."
The second woman then says "I should try that."
The next day the second woman goes to the pharmacy and says "I need a box of condoms!"
The pharmacists looks at her and thinks "This woman is 90 years old, what the heck does she need condoms for" but he decides "Oh well I guess I'll sell them to her anyways."
He then asks the woman "What brand would you like madam?"
The old woman replies "Doesn't matter to me....as long as they fit a CAMEL!!"

2007-02-10 04:27:57 · 19 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

A cop saw a murder, but did nothing. Why?

2007-02-10 04:20:18 · 9 answers · asked by lil_britt0737 1

LOL.... I was typing fast and listening to music at the same time. Anyways, I wanted to ask question about braids, instead of saying braids, I said, Brains.


So, I wrote: "I want to take my brains down and wash it. After, I wash it, I want to blow dry my hair. After, the blow dryer, I want my hair brainded again. Do you think this is a good idea."



LOL.... I can't believe I have just asked that question. I was laughing at myself for typing that.

2007-02-10 04:16:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

where did your 1st pie in the face occur,why were you pied,what type of pie was it and what was your reaction

2007-02-10 04:06:53 · 5 answers · asked by cricketfan82 4

Guy sitting next to a girl on the airplane sneezes, gets a euphoric look, then takes out his "old man" and wipes it off. The girl is in shock. This happens about 3 more times. Then the girl tells the stewardess. She takes him to the captain. The captain asked what he is doing. The guy tells him that when he sneezes he orgasms. The pilot says are you taking anything for it? The guy says.............. Yes, Pepper.

2007-02-10 04:01:05 · 7 answers · asked by Jim R 4

It cannot be seen , cannot be felt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.it lies behind stars and under hills, and emty holes it fills.It comes first and follows after, ends life, kills laughter.

What is the answer??

2007-02-10 03:55:43 · 25 answers · asked by Jenise B 2

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

2007-02-10 03:54:52 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.

Can you guess the right answer to this riddle??

2007-02-10 03:50:48 · 6 answers · asked by Jenise B 2

Your Mother !!

What where you thinking??????????

2007-02-10 03:38:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Itchy and Scratchy are playing Backgammon, which requires two identical dice to be rolled on each turn. Scratchy rolls the dice but just as they come to a halt on the board he covers them up with his hands.
"You can't look," screams Scratchy.
"Too late," yells Itchy. "I saw one of them and it was six! Show me the other one." Scratchy at first declines the offer but Itchy applies a gratuitous amount of violence with a chainsaw resulting in the amputation of one of Scratchy's arms, revealing one of the dice. As you may have guessed the revealed die is of course a six. What is the probability that the still hidden die is also a six?

2007-02-10 03:37:00 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gretchen and Henry were discussing their new neighbors, the Gardners. Gretchen mentioned that she met two of the daughters, and they each had blond hair.

"I have met all of the sisters," replied Henry, "and the probability that both of the girls you met would have had blond hair, assuming you were equally likely to meet any of the sisters, is exactly 50%. Do you know how many children there are?"

After thinking for a minute, Gretchen asks if the family is abnormally large. When Henry replies that it is not, Gretchen tells him how many girls are in the family. What number did she say?

2007-02-10 03:30:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the Summer Olympics, a fellow competed in the long jump and out-jumped everybody. He didn't just win the event, he actually broke the world record held for that event. Nobody broke his record for the remainder of the Olympics, and still today his name is in the record books.

However, even though he holds the world record, he never received a medal in the long jump. How did he manage to do so well, but not receive a medal?

2007-02-10 03:22:19 · 4 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

topical jokes - coz I could do with a laugh.

2007-02-10 03:19:43 · 7 answers · asked by deebee 2

A man walks into a building and begins to wander around. After a few moments, someone hears a firecracker go off. A moment or two later, smoke can be smelled, and the fire department is called.

What caused the fire, and did the man in question have anything to do with it?

2007-02-10 03:19:09 · 5 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1