Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat," said a friend.
"He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him kissing the maid........."
"Oh, how dreadful...." replied the friend,sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"
"Certainly not! I still need a new hat!!"

2007-02-09 21:21:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless
woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?
""No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive"

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well" said the woman "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself
tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. "won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."


The woman replied, "that's okay, it's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

2007-02-09 20:55:17 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential down pour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage.

I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the clubs back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to
my wife's back, now with a different type of activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "I know! Can you believe my stupid *** husband is out golfing in this ****? "

2007-02-09 20:46:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

when you hear the word...SMILE...?

2007-02-09 20:43:10 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN
Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR
LIFE ! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American
friends. Ya'll know who ya' are...

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be
offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing
the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas"
instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over
your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great
respect, and always have.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.

2007-02-09 20:42:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just feeling down.

2007-02-09 20:36:37 · 7 answers · asked by MJ 5

2007-02-09 20:32:14 · 9 answers · asked by ishybug03 4

Concerned about her relationship, Jreeto approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I`m getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I`m a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here`s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you`re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it`s your virginity snapping."
Jeeto loves this idea and knows her hubby, Santa, will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. Jeeto gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with Santa.
Things begin to progress, Santa "slips it in," and she snaps the elastic band.
Santa asks, "What the heck was that?"
Jeeto explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
Santa cries out, "Well snap it again, it got my balls!"

2007-02-09 19:53:35 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice
children you've got there, are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they
bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins?...Do you really think they look
alike, ya dickead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would f*ck you twice

2007-02-09 19:34:59 · 16 answers · asked by alex'd'great 2

Im in 4th grade, and my friend moved somewhere near the mountains and i am really sad.. Can someone crack me up?! I ♥ laughing... Better make it funnier than when i was crazy in school when we had doughnuts (sugar kind)... yum! Please and thank you?!

2007-02-09 19:04:24 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

;-]

2007-02-09 18:44:46 · 27 answers · asked by INTAN L 1

2007-02-09 18:38:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to see my doctor because I had a really bad headache.
My doctor said, “Don’t worry, it’s all in your head.”

2007-02-09 18:36:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-09 18:33:01 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im mostly dark brown or black in color,
Im mostly made of wood,
Those who bought me never use me,
And those who use me, never get to see me.

2007-02-09 18:21:31 · 11 answers · asked by † Iríšh † 7

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural
Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the
fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he
was doing.


The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this
field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys
In the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue
you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how
We settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like
this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs
on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
He attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old
codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor
and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's
Groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow
pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay,
you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You
can have the duck.

2007-02-09 18:17:56 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A girl phoned a man,"come over, theres nobody home." When the man came over, there was really nobody home.

2007-02-09 18:14:01 · 17 answers · asked by Sagar Shah 1

2007-02-09 18:11:51 · 15 answers · asked by Kgirl 2

2007-02-09 18:07:54 · 26 answers · asked by Kgirl 2

i was at the supermarket and i told her i couldnt find the cat poison, she always tells me to go ask some1 and i say no so she went straight up to the guy stocking the shelves and asked him where it was, what a bone head. , then i got the xlotto results online and pasted them into text editor, changed the numbers [so i would win] hten left the comp on and aksed her to check them cause i needed to go to toilet, that was funny, she thought i won 30million for a few mins. got any good ones i can play on her?

2007-02-09 17:53:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-09 17:35:55 · 14 answers · asked by attidude_69 1

2007-02-09 17:31:13 · 6 answers · asked by Jay 2

2007-02-09 17:23:42 · 17 answers · asked by attidude_69 1

What do you do with them?

2007-02-09 17:16:45 · 15 answers · asked by papaz71 4

Imao & rofl?

2007-02-09 17:14:57 · 10 answers · asked by † Iríšh † 7

A man and his son are driving in a car one day, when they get into a fatal accident. The man is killed instantly. The boy is knocked unconscious, but he is still alive. He is rushed to hospital, and will need immediate surgery. The doctor enters the emergency room, looks at the boy, and says...
"I can't operate on this boy, he is my son."
So, the question is, how is this possible?

2007-02-09 17:14:27 · 8 answers · asked by jswolpers 1

1+1

2007-02-09 17:14:14 · 18 answers · asked by medium.skate 2

This puzzle is actually pretty easy but for some people it's hard it depends on how you try to figure it out but anyway:

What is the next letter?

W, I,T,N,?

2007-02-09 17:09:24 · 14 answers · asked by sumthing_to_say_12 3

my pussycat fell in the toilet and he's all poopy and wet..........

2007-02-09 16:42:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I tell a joke about say -- a Chinese person -- I am labeled rascist. But if I tell a joke about a white male redneck EVERYBODY thinks its funny and NOONE calls me rascist? Food for thought.

2007-02-09 16:41:15 · 12 answers · asked by yagman 7