Anyone good a joke to cheer me up?

Question

Just feeling down.

Answer 1

IT’S ALL IN THE NAME….

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.”

Answer 2

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

• What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"



HOW WERE THEY?
HOPE U LIKED IT?
CHEER UP!
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Answer 3

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 4

A walrus walks into a bar. He says "I got no money but if you set up a round for everybody in the room, I'll play the Star Spangled Banner with my penis, on that piano in the corner." The bartender, always up for a giggle, agrees. So the walrus goes over and starts hammering away on that old piano. The patrons are gobsmacked. They've never seen anything like this before, a walrus pounding the keys with his doo-dah. He plays the quiet passages with a delicacy rarely witnessed in a human pianist. Just when he has the patrons where he wants them, he let’s fly with a thumping crescendo that sends the audience into a frenzy. As he plays the final notes, the room erupts in rapturous applause, followed by a standing ovation. After the excitement has died down, the walrus goes up to the bar to get his drink. The bartender turns to him with a smug look on his face and goes, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve walruses.”

Answer 5

IN A PARTY A BOY PUPOSED A GIRL TO DANCE
SHE DENIED AND SAID:- MAIN BACHEY KE SAATH NAHI NACH SAKTI.
THE BOY ASKED R U PREGNANT?????????????????

Answer 6

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Answer 7

Paris Hilton...ha ha