Jokes please!?!?!?!? best one gets 10?

Question

can you please tell me some really funny jokes (LMFAO stuff)... i don't care how long they are or if they are dirty.... i need a good laugh... the best one gets 10, well 12 points if you count the 2 for answering, also....

no "best ones" please

Answer 1

a french exchange student comes to london and his teacher tells him to learn 3 new words. he goes to the airport and learns take off. He then goes to the zoo and learns zebra. Then he goes to the hospital and learns the word baby. He goes back to school and says to his teacher, take zee-bra baby! Hehe (have to say the last bit in a french acent tho..)

Answer 2

desperately needs hearing aid...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him> fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be pleased that you can hear again." The
gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
_______________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we> went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What
is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You
know...the one that's red
and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's
the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled,"Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?
_____________________

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student
nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed
and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital. After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him. "I don't know," he said."She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
__________________________


A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things> down to help them
remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old
man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in
the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice
cream?"Sure.","Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?" she asks"No, I can
remember it.","Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to
forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that,write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he
toddles into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes, the
old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate
for a moment."Where's my toast?"
_______________________


Three old guys are out walking.First one says, "Windy,
isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I.Let's go get a beer."
__________________________


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art.It's perfect." "Really,"
answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
_____________________


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Answer 3

A football coach walked into the changing room before a game. He
looked over to his new signing and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play
since you failed arithmetic, but we need you to be in the team. So, what
I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right then
you will be allowed to play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked,
"Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two
plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it
correct.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting..., "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"
**********************************************************************
Rodney and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday
morning by a loud pounding on the door. Rodney gets up and goes to the
door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.

"Give us a push" says the swaying stranger.
"Not a chance," says the Rodney, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
with rain outside.

His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself.

Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes,"
comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out Rodney.
"Yes. Please." comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks Rodney.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
**********************************************************************
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview.

The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms
and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her
last question: "How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette
thinks for a second and responds "One". The interviewer sends her back
with a promise that he'll get back to her after interviewing the
remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end:
"How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One".
The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and
finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a
very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers,
muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm – wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your
calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally
comes up with the answer: "Thirty two" The interviewer is stunned and asks
her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

To hear her response to the question: "How many D's are in Indiana
Jones?" To hear the sound online click the link below
(You might have to refresh the page)

Answer 4

This one is alright
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 5

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into a supermarket with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at people all the way through the entrance.
The shop assisstant says, "Good morning - nice
children you've got there, are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they
bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins?...Do you really think they look
alike, ya d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the assisstant, "I just can't believe anyone
would f*ck you twice"

Answer 6

1. A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said,

"Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."


2. Where do books sleeps?
under their covers


3. One day three people are hiking on the mountain. They are Shut up, Manners, and None of your business.
Then none of your business got lost.Shut Up and Manners went to the police. Manners waited outside while Shut Up talked to the police. The police asked, "Who got lost?", Shut up answered, " None of your business"and then the police asked him what's his name.Shut up answered,"Shut Up", "Excuse me, where are your manners?" asked the police man. "They're outside", shut up answered. The policeman said,"I can't help you"

Answer 7

a man goes into a bar and orders a martini.before drinking it , he carefully takes out the olive and puts it in a glass jar. this continues for an hour until the fellow is plastered and the jar is full of olives. the guy staggers toward the door with the olives. "hey," says the curious bartender."what you gonna do with those?" the guy replies"my wife sent me to get a jar of olives!"

Answer 8

An American, a frenchman, and an englishman were walking through the amazon when they were captured by the natives. The natives told them that they were going to kill them and use their skins to make canoes. The 3 men would be given the choice on how they would die.

The Englishman said "Give me a gun." Upon getting the gun he said, "Love live the Queen!" and shot himself.

The Frenchman said,"Give me a sword." He said "Vive la France!" and impaled himself.

The American said "Give me a fork." Upon getting the fork, he began stabbing himself all over his body saying "F*ck your canoes!"

Answer 9

I have never been one to be able to retain jokes, but these two have stuck with me.
What's the difference between sex on the beach and light beer?
Nothing....their both f*****g near water!!
Why does a squirrel swim on it's back?
To keep it's nuts dry.
Hope you enjoyed.

Answer 10

Yo mamma so fat, she has a tatoo of a kitten on her left boob, and when she takes her bra off, it's a tiger.

Yo mamma so fat, when she has a orgasm, she yells out her favorite foods like "Oohhh, Chicken Noodle Soup!" "Oohhh, Turkey Roast!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? To ge to KFC and get fried!




Krazy Libra