good jokes?

Question

anyone know any good jokes?? i can never remember the ones i get told and i want to impress my wrk mates with a few jokes, they can be as rude as you like, thankyou

Answer 1

i forgot all of them LOL..!

Answer 2

Here's a selection you may find of use, they are not rude but some raise a laugh!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and to mark their union got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them
to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."

19 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath.. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh.
No pun in ten did
_____

Answer 3

new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 4

desperately needs hearing aid...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him> fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be pleased that you can hear again." The
gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
_______________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, "Last night we> went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What
is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You
know...the one that's red
and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's
the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled,"Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?
_____________________

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student
nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed
and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital. After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him. "I don't know," he said."She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
__________________________


A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things> down to help them
remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old
man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in
the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice
cream?"Sure.","Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?" she asks"No, I can
remember it.","Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to
forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that,write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he
toddles into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes, the
old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a
plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate
for a moment."Where's my toast?"
_______________________


Three old guys are out walking.First one says, "Windy,
isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I.Let's go get a beer."
__________________________


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art.It's perfect." "Really,"
answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
_____________________


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Answer 5

This guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if theres a bathroom so the bartender goes "oh yeah go up the stairs and then turn left" so twenty min. later the guy comes down from the bathroom. The bartender looks at him and goes "what the hell were u doing up there" the guy replies "oh just blowing bubbles" so the bartender goes "oh ok so ya later" About 30 min. later another guy walks into the bar and asks if there is a bathroom "the bartender goes oh yeah go up the stairs and then turn left" so 30 min. later the guy comes down and the bartender asks what he was doing up there, the guy goes "oh just blowin' bubbles". So this goes on for a couple more people then an unfamiliar guy walks down the staris and the bartender goes "let me guess u were blowing bubbles" "no" the guy replies "but my name is Bubbles"

Answer 6

I found this on the internet quite some time ago, and I thought it was HILARIOUS. Check it out:

The Man Who Loved Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 7

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

Answer 8

want to hear a clene joke?
timmy took a bath with bubbles
want to hear a dirty joke?
bubbles is the girl next door.

Answer 9

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Answer 10

Did you hear about the panto in aid of the paranoid ?

All hell broke loose when someone said "he's behind you"

Answer 11

what do men and ESPN have in common?
answer they both can give you a 2 minute thrill
my sister tells all her friends that one.