Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.
She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fxrt!
She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"
He replies back "Miss, If you fxrted just by touching the leather you're going to shxt yourself when hear the price!!"

2007-01-23 02:45:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"S.h.i.t" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.


I know, kinda old but I think it is good....

2007-01-23 02:36:15 · 8 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

. How did he get there, why was he dead and why was he clutching a straw?

2007-01-23 02:35:19 · 11 answers · asked by karina.salliss 1

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able
to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy for
advice. "It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool. They're years outta style.Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them.
I'm telling ya man...ya'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his
spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces,turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy
Billy and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty!" said Billy, "the tater goes in the front!"

2007-01-23 02:31:07 · 12 answers · asked by Tabor 4

2007-01-23 02:30:34 · 6 answers · asked by Miriam 1

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

2007-01-23 02:29:11 · 8 answers · asked by sprinting_turtle 5

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness to all.
One afternoon, as was his way, the pastor called on her for a cup of tea. As she made tea the pastor admired the grand old Hammond organ on which she had played many a hymn.A cut glass bowl on top of the organ took his notice and when he examined it he was surprised to see that it was filled with water and, to his astonishment, floating in the water was, of all things, a condom !
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water with its strange floater; finally, he couldn't contain it any longer, ' Miss Beatrice, .... I wonder if you would tell me about this? he said pointing to the bowl.
'Isn't it wonderful' she replied ' I was walking in the park some months ago and I found this little package.The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter

2007-01-23 02:28:29 · 17 answers · asked by surdy 2

Three boys are at school bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the city. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

2007-01-23 02:27:11 · 6 answers · asked by sprinting_turtle 5

Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says "Hey, I feel something in my a$$ ... see if you can feel anything." So his boyfriends puts his finger in his a$$ and feels around. "I don't feel anything",the boyfriend says. So the first guy says, "No deeper...I'm sure I feel something".
So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys a$$ and feels around. "I'm telling you there is nothing there" says the boyfriend. "No really", the guys says, "I can feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend puts his whole arm in the guys a$$ and is feeling around when he touches something.
"Hey, I found something,"says the boyfriend. "Well take it out," says the guy. The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys a$$, looks at it and see's it is a Rolex. The other guy starts singing, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you......"

NO OFFENCE TO GAY PPL, JUST A JOKE!!!

2007-01-23 02:26:22 · 7 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

What's the funniest joke u ever heard???? :D

2007-01-23 02:24:26 · 4 answers · asked by CupCake 3

2007-01-23 01:57:27 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

SO THEY can smell like big girls

2007-01-23 01:42:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-23 01:31:43 · 24 answers · asked by kingkong 2

A blonde girl, a brunette and a redhead were each asked "If you were alone in a jungle, what would you carry for protection against the wild animals, asuming you didn't have a gun?"
The redhead said "I would carry a large knife to try to kill or wound the animals."
The brunette replied "I would carry a stout stick to keep the animals away from me."
The blonde answered "I would carry a very large and heavy rock so if i'm attacked I can drop the rock and run away faster."

2007-01-23 01:30:01 · 23 answers · asked by racerman 3

The Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the stage he announced, ' unlike other hypnotists who invite just a few people out of the audience -- I intend to hypnotise each & every member of the audience.
The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat, ' I want each and everyone of you to keep your eyes fixed on this watch and let your minds wander'. The watch swayed back & forth as he quietly chanted 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the ....'
The crowd was mesmerised as the watch went back & forth..... hundreds of pairs of eyes followed and followed and followed ... reality slipped away.
Suddenly the watch slipped from Claude's fingers and fell to the floor where it broke into a million pieces.
'Oh s**t' cried Claude.

The theatre had to remain closed for three days to be cleaned

2007-01-23 01:26:03 · 17 answers · asked by surdy 2

2007-01-23 01:00:26 · 26 answers · asked by wheels on the boat!!!!!11 1

A scientist wanted to do some research so he gathered up 3 retarded people. He wanted to see what would happen if he made each one jump into an empty pool. The first one jumps and breaks his arm. The second one jumps and breaks his legs. The third one hesitates to jump. The scientist ask "what's wrong?" The third one answered, "I can't swim."

2007-01-23 00:54:46 · 10 answers · asked by LittleBit 3

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"

2007-01-23 00:43:35 · 5 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

2007-01-23 00:40:32 · 12 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

2007-01-23 00:37:43 · 11 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

2007-01-23 00:36:05 · 10 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-01-23 00:35:39 · 8 answers · asked by zan 2

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

2007-01-23 00:34:43 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much.

One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them three wishes, but as there are two of you he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said,
"I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off into the sunset at great speed

2007-01-23 00:31:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the disabled zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.


Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their feet. .

2007-01-23 00:29:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a bxob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my axshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!!"

2007-01-23 00:19:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

2007-01-23 00:19:20 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

2007-01-23 00:16:55 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

And she asked God, "does this mean im an angel? And God replied "no youre a bat", Happy Halloween

2007-01-23 00:15:00 · 21 answers · asked by Sherri ptown 3

And what makes you think that?

2007-01-23 00:14:57 · 15 answers · asked by LC 2