Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

... a housewife, a model, and a schoolteacher -- all very attractive, beautiful women. Many of his customers started by spending time with each one for variety. However, he found that after his steady customers had done so, they all preferred to be with the schoolteacher. Puzzled, since the other two were just as appealing, the owner decided to listen outside of each 3 doors one evening.

Outside of the door with the housewife, he heard her saying "hurry up, get it over with, I had a terrible day with the kids, I'm exhausted!"

Next, he listened outside the door of the model and heard her saying "watch out for my hair -- you're messing it up, and your smudging my nails -- I just got them done, and don't kiss me -- you'll smear my lipstick!"

Finally, outside the schoolteacher's door, he heard her saying "____________________________"

2007-01-22 20:54:13 · 7 answers · asked by Adios 7

Permission for Sex!
One summer a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires.

He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way.

She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested. On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady.

Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said, "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, "in this country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You must have her consent!"

2007-01-22 20:52:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oscar Weil and Benjamin Oppenheimer are Jews, and were sitting in a Chinese
restaurant in Shanghai.

"Oscar," asked Benjie, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Oscar replied."Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Benjie asked him,
"Are there any Chinese Jews here in Shanghai?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into
the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said,
"No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Benjie asked.
"I will check again, sir" the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen.

While he was still gone, Oscar said,
"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, our people are scattered
everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Benjie asked again. "I cannot believe
there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I asked everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
orange Jews, apple Jews,

2007-01-22 20:47:17 · 17 answers · asked by G4V1N 2

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

2007-01-22 20:37:10 · 15 answers · asked by Paul H 2

A man is having sex with a goat. His wife walks in the barn and praises him. Why?

2007-01-22 20:36:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-22 20:32:56 · 43 answers · asked by Sony 2

The person who guesses where I'm from correctly gets the 10 points! Just take a wild guess you might be right! A smart person would take a look at my other questions and try to guess, hehe. Alrighty folks, now lets get started!

2007-01-22 20:29:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only to find a nun waiting outside. "Good evening Sister" He said, to which the nun replied "Good evening Sir, and what do you think you're doing going into a house of ill repute?" The man replied "Oh come on Sister, I've been working hard all day, I've only come for a couple of pints, and I'll go back home to my family so". The nun turned up her nose in disgust and lectured him on the evils of drink, to which the man replied "Sister, have you ever taken a drink yourself?" "Never" she replied, "Well then" said the man "How can you preach to me about it, when you've never experienced it yourself? I'll tell you what, let me go inside and buy you a small drink, and you can see for yourself" "Okay" said the nun, "But get the landlord to put it in a normal cup so no-one knows I'm taking a drink" "Will do" said the man, and he went in to ask for a pint and a small sherry, but could the landlord put the sherry in a normal cup."Jesus, is that bloody nun outside again?" Said the landlord.

2007-01-22 20:29:52 · 6 answers · asked by florrie f 3

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."

2007-01-22 20:14:54 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy gets on airplane and finds himself seated next to a
cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes
his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it
slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to
discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about
nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet
the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried
poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't
the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, ...
The punch line will be posted and the best response gets 10 points within the next hour!

2007-01-22 20:05:27 · 9 answers · asked by Jeffrey 7

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy. 'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'

2007-01-22 19:58:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."





The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar. The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep" The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

2007-01-22 19:57:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BlTCH!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."





A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

2007-01-22 19:54:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

2007-01-22 19:53:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

2007-01-22 19:52:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-22 19:52:28 · 2 answers · asked by ? 2

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer ya is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the
ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,but I bet I can make yer "bed-rock."

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,...........every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

2007-01-22 19:49:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.."Those little bastards!"

2007-01-22 19:47:19 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50."

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2007-01-22 19:39:43 · 12 answers · asked by Hong T 1

If you have two coins which total 35 cents and one of the coins is not a dime, what are the two coins?

i'll tell u answer in 3 mins if no one gets it

2007-01-22 19:36:16 · 12 answers · asked by Hong T 1

2007-01-22 19:32:50 · 6 answers · asked by Y 2

2007-01-22 18:56:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 mothers and 2 daughters went out to go to the park. Upon their way home, it started to rain. Unluckily, they were not able to bring umbrellas nor raincoats. As a last resort, they bought 3 pairs of raincoats with boots. Assuming that they did not ride any vehicle on their way home, how were they able to go home without getting wet?

2007-01-22 18:55:54 · 13 answers · asked by [Y]ankumi 2

You found out the a family of 10 (8kids) keeps every penny they have in the world, and would starve to death if one penny was stolen, in a place where no one would ever see you take it. Would you take it?
Remember Karmen (Give a dollar and get 10 back) (Steal a dollar and lose 10)

2007-01-22 18:54:30 · 11 answers · asked by flower_from_the_heavens 4

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.

2007-01-22 18:48:23 · 15 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3

a shiny dime and a dirty quarter...?

2007-01-22 18:44:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If it pours down while raining, does it rain while pouring down?

2007-01-22 18:43:31 · 5 answers · asked by Porcelain Doll 6

2007-01-22 18:42:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's more powerful than God.
It's more evil than the devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it, you'll die.
What am I?

2007-01-22 18:09:18 · 17 answers · asked by Usemyyahooid 2

Am second to the first spirit of the world

2007-01-22 17:22:42 · 12 answers · asked by levat 2