Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

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a b d e

2007-01-23 04:23:43 · 4 answers · asked by Aliman 2

2007-01-23 04:22:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do old ladies taste like?
Depends

2007-01-23 04:10:48 · 4 answers · asked by Lori 4

so just say yes sol i can show my friend just by a joke please say yes. ill give best answer to the first one to actually listen and say yes

2007-01-23 04:01:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cycling

So up the road and turn at the end
Looking back to see your friend
Then second gear turn left along the road
Waving to your friend to follow
Like it’s some kind of code
Then to the bridge cross the road and turn right
By now the cycling starting to bite
The muscles in your legs and thighs
Trying desperately not to swallow any flies

Then through a quaint little village
With one little shop
Then onto the path with a little bunny hop
Look round to make sure your friend is there
Wondering, should just give him the bus fare
Out of the village and up the hill
Checking the water flask to make sure it’s full
Then comes another peak
With some trees, good place to take a leek

Then down the slope what a relief
That hill put a tear in your belief
That you can finish the cycle ride
Now you have a stitch in your side
But no your resolved your going to the end
Then you look back, where is my friend
You spy a pub should we stop
To sample that fine Yorkshire hop

You look to the sky, it may not be wise
Just as you ride into another swarm of flies
The light is dimming it wont be long
Before the birds start singing there last song
So off you push along the straight
Then realise you have to stop and wait
For your friend has grinning from ear to ear
Riding one handed for he’s holding a beer

The final stretch is in sight
Panting away running out of light
Over the bridge were nearly back
Raining should have brought me Mack
Down the hill homes in view
Thankfully cos you need the loo
That’s it not doing it again
Cos cycling is most definitely a pain

2007-01-23 04:00:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry Folks I had to add chicken on this joke because they kept telling me it was Beenie Babies!

BUTCH THE ROOSTER

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform, went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so
he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen
he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate The
other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's
amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He
would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The
result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize,
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well!

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

2007-01-23 03:56:37 · 5 answers · asked by LucySD 7

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand c0cks last year."

2007-01-23 03:52:50 · 18 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if Im ten minutes late"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute You always say you may be ten minutes late. But youre always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

2007-01-23 03:49:40 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Son comes home from school and ask his dad to help him explain the meaning of "in general" and "in fact" for his homework.
The dad: -ok,son!I'll give u an example.(he calls his wife)
-Dear, of someone really ugly offers you £5000 would you sleep with him?
The mum- Hell,yes!£5000 is a lot of money,we'll pay off the credit cards!!!
The dad:- Did you get it now,son?
The boy:- No,dad!
The dad-OK!(calls his daughter)
-Sweety, of someone really ugly offers you £5000 would you sleep with him?
The daughter-Yes,I will!Can you imagine what kind of clothes I will buy for that amount?
The Dad- Did you get it,now ,son?
The boy-No,dad!
The Dad- Listen to me now, IN GENERAL £10000 is a lot of money, but IN FACT, at home we've got two slu*s!!!

2007-01-23 03:41:37 · 18 answers · asked by DEZ 2

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Smile - you know its funny!

2007-01-23 03:41:17 · 9 answers · asked by zenobia2525 3

they sat down to eat lunch .The Italian opens his lunchbox ,"Meatballs again!Every day it's meatballs!I can't take much more of this!If I open this lunchbox and see meatballs one more time I'm going to jump!" The Latino opens his lunchbox and looks inside,"I hear you, man!Burritos!Always burritos!If I see burritos in this lunchbox again I'll jump too!" The blond opens his lunchbox ,"I get bologna & cheese! Bologna & cheese!If I have bologna & cheese again I'll jump too!" So the next day they sit down for lunch. The Italian takes one look in his lunchbox and jumps over the side. The Latino looks inside his lunchbox and jumps, too. The blond looks in his lunchbox and he also jumps . At the memorial service, the men's widows get together. "If I had known he didn't want meatballs, I would have made lasagna" the Italian widow cried."If I had known, I would have made tacos" the Latino widow cried .The blond's widow didn't say anything at first."Don't look at me!He made his own lunch."

2007-01-23 03:40:17 · 11 answers · asked by Lori 4

Different ways of thinking about things....Why is it that you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway? Anyone have any other things they can think of that are similar to this statement?

2007-01-23 03:39:28 · 16 answers · asked by shorty 6

Daddy or Chips - Why?

2007-01-23 03:31:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is th! at?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

2007-01-23 03:31:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

lets see how you do

2007-01-23 03:30:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-23 03:30:47 · 4 answers · asked by Nick B 1

Something happened to this question when I asked it 20 mins ago so I will repeat.

An 80 something year old couple were walking in the country when the man stopped and said ' Look Mary, there's the place where we made love against the fence 55 years ago --- and there's the tree where we carved our names'
Mary smiled inwardly, remembering all those years ago and said 'I dont suppose you are up to messing around again, just for old times sake'
Well, they made love once more against the same fence ---- there were arms, legs and every other bit of their bodies pulsing together.
When they had finished Mary looked at Albert lovingly and said 'Oh Albert, we never made love as good as that 55 years ago'
Albert was panting trying to catch his breath and replied 'The bloody fence wasnt electrified 55 years ago !'

2007-01-23 03:30:29 · 5 answers · asked by surdy 2

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

2007-01-23 03:29:17 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mary bought paddy a pair of jetskis for is birthday so he went looking for a lake with a slope. was that funny?

2007-01-23 03:25:43 · 4 answers · asked by philip k 1

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shxt out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

2007-01-23 03:19:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-23 03:14:31 · 13 answers · asked by Abbie! 1

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
hxrny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a
blxwjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (hxrny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blxwjob.

2007-01-23 03:11:24 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry folks --- this is so good I have to repeat it.

An 80 something year old couple were walking in the country when the man said to his wife ' Do you remember that fence over there? That's the place where we made love up against the fence 55 years ago --- there's the tree where we carved our names'
His wife thought for a moment then said 'I dont suppose you feel like messing about against the fence again --- just for old times sake?'
Well, they had a try and they made love for several hours, with legs, arms and every other bit of their bodies pulsing together.
Finally, the wife says, 'Oh Albert --- that was the best ever --- but we never made love as good or as long as that 55 years ago'
Albert replies panting to catch his breath 'That's right Mary, but the bloody fence wasn't electrified 55 years ago'

2007-01-23 03:08:45 · 9 answers · asked by surdy 2

2007-01-23 03:07:03 · 4 answers · asked by Big C 6

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sxx lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sxx
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing.

2007-01-23 03:02:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just got to work, and I need something to start the day off with.

2007-01-23 02:59:26 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-23 02:56:11 · 10 answers · asked by bamamom64 1

You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

2007-01-23 02:55:41 · 13 answers · asked by c_o_e_u_s 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

2007-01-23 02:54:24 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

billy-bob: i know... and thats not my finger!!!

2007-01-23 02:50:58 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous