Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

the other night i went up stairs to see my hamsters. hammys cage is about 70cm up so i went in the room and the light was off , i could see ok but not gr8. she was climbing up to the top and i put the light on and she did a backflip to the bott'm' i didnt try to scare her. she is soo tallentid she didnt even get hurt you may not belive me but i want you to please.

2007-01-23 08:54:23 · 17 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

2007-01-23 08:49:37 · 6 answers · asked by Norskeyenta 6

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

2007-01-23 08:47:25 · 13 answers · asked by Papa 7

Ok...
The Man who makes it doesn't want it
The man who buys it doesn't use it
The man who uses it doesn't know it
What is ithe object that the first man made?

2007-01-23 08:47:25 · 11 answers · asked by maevel5218 1

A man and his wife had been arguing all night, and as bedtime approached neither was speaking to the other. It was not unusual for the pair to continue this war of silence for two or three days, however, on this occasion the man was concerned; he needed to be awake at 4:30am the next morning to catch an important flight, and being a very heavy sleeper he normally relied on his wife to wake him. Cleverly, so he thought, while his wife was in the bathroom, he wrote on a piece of paper: 'Please wake me at 4:30am - I have an important flight to catch'. He put the note on his wife's pillow, then turned over and went to sleep.

The man awoke the next morning and looked at the clock. It was 8:00am. Enraged that he'd missed his flight, he was about to go in search of his errant wife to give her a piece of his mind, when he spotted a hand-written note on his bedside cabinet.

The note said: 'It's 4:30am - get up.

2007-01-23 08:47:09 · 46 answers · asked by Tink 5

I have a face but no body,
I have arms but no legs.

What am I?

2007-01-23 08:43:20 · 12 answers · asked by Veronica R 1

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative T*tty.

Just thought I'd pass this tidbit of info along

2007-01-23 08:30:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without
rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are
putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only
to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
but today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

2007-01-23 08:26:51 · 17 answers · asked by Countess Blavinskeya 2

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.


6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'


9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
Meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
Give the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

2007-01-23 08:26:10 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Hi Honey, I'll be home in a little while.

2007-01-23 08:25:06 · 5 answers · asked by L.L.L. 2

A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind. Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground. He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning "I need you."

The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely....he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off.

Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, "What the hell are you doing?

"I got your message," replied the foreman. "I just wanted to let you know that I was coming."

2007-01-23 08:24:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight

Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

The deaf policeman heard the noise
Came and shot the two dead boys

If you do not believe this lie is true
Ask the blind man he saw it too

Author: Unknown

i really like this what about you

2007-01-23 08:24:04 · 5 answers · asked by Countess Blavinskeya 2

Just a joke guys!!

"God, I've been thinking.." says Eve one day.

"What's on your mind Eve?" says God.

"Well, I know that you created me and this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful creatures, but lately I've been feeling that maybe there's more to life."

"Go on..." says God.

"Sometimes I get a bit bored - I fancy a bit of fun. And I get a bit fed up with all the heaving lifting and carrying, and warding off the mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers, not to mention that bloody snake. This garden can be dangerous place."

"I see," says God, pausing for thought.

"Eve, I have a cunning plan," says God, "I shall create Man for you."

"Man?" asks Eve, "What is Man?"

"Man..." says God, "Is a flawed creature. He will have many weaknesses and disgusting habits. Man will lie, cheat and behave like an idiot - in fact mostly he'll be a complete pain in the backside. But on the plus side he'll be big and strong, and will be able to protect you, and hunt and kill things, which might be handy sometimes. He will tend to lose control of mind and body when aroused, but with a bit training can reach an acceptable standard in the bedroom department, if you know what I mean."

"Hmm," says Eve, "Seems like this Man idea might be worth a try, but tell me God, is there anything else I need to know?"

"Just this," says God, "Man comes with one condition... In keeping with his arrogant, deluded, self-important character, Man will naturally believe that he was made first, and frankly we all have better things to do than argue, so you must keep all this a secret between us, if that's okay with you. You know, woman to woman.."

2007-01-23 08:22:36 · 22 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-23 08:21:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is the winner of funniest joke in the world in 2002.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

2007-01-23 08:17:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cos they take the p*ss out of them

2007-01-23 08:17:21 · 7 answers · asked by Chris 5

At a mans funeral there were three sons, the first son appraoched the casket and said, "father, here is the $1,000 you asked of me to bury you in, rest in peace and he layed down $1,000 cash.

the second son walks up and says Father here is the $2,000 you asked of me to bury you in, rest in peace and layed down $2,000 cash.

the third sons walks up and says Father the bank was closed before i got a chance to withdraw any money here's a check for $5,000, picks up the cash and says rest in peace and walks away.


Hey if you don't find this funny I'm sorry....I tried

2007-01-23 08:16:51 · 12 answers · asked by graciegirl 5

i think it is funny what about you....

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

2007-01-23 08:14:14 · 7 answers · asked by Countess Blavinskeya 2

If a fire hydrant has H2O inside, what does it have on the outside?










































































K9P

2007-01-23 08:08:27 · 4 answers · asked by aznlakersmaniac 3

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

2007-01-23 08:06:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

"Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year

2007-01-23 08:04:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," The husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man dies, happy.

The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three!"

2007-01-23 08:02:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jon likes being down than up. That is perfectly understandable. Why is that.

HINT: It has something to do with his occupation.

*NO! he is not afriad of heights!*

2007-01-23 07:59:54 · 7 answers · asked by Hailee 3

You are in a cold house in the winter. It is dark. You have one match. There is a candle and there is a wood burning stove. Which do you light first?

2007-01-23 07:58:55 · 8 answers · asked by aznlakersmaniac 3

family fortunes answers
Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

Something that comes in pairs: "Rabbits.."

A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.."

A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.."

An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."

A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

An animal with horns: "A bee..."

A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

Something made of wool: "A sheep.."

Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."

Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."

Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

2007-01-23 07:57:59 · 15 answers · asked by Tink 5

a salesman drives into town where a circus is playing. a sign reads DONT MISS THE AMAZING ITALIAN. he buys a ticket and sits down. in the big top is a table with 3 walnuts on it and next to it is an old italian man. suddenly the old man drops his pants and whips out his manhood and with 3 swings he cracks the walnuts. the crowd are amazed. 15 yrs later the salesman is driving through the same town and sees the same old faded sign. he cant believe the italian is still alive and still doing his act, so he buys a ticket. this time there are 3 coconuts on the table. again the old man drops his pants and cracks the coconuts with 3 mighty swings of his manhood. the crowd goes wild. the salesman walks up to the table and says to the old man," i saw your act 15 yrs ago and you were using walnuts. why did you change to coconuts?" the old man replies," well son, my eyes aren't what they used to be".

2007-01-23 07:53:41 · 7 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet.
He turns to the rich man and says to him,
"I have an amazing talent: I know almost every song that has ever existed."
The rich man laughs.
The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "OK, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?"
The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich.

What song did he sing?

2007-01-23 07:50:33 · 16 answers · asked by aznlakersmaniac 3

H IS MY FAVORITE

A = ALMOST THERE
B= BARELY BOODS
C= CAN'T COMPLAIN
D= DANG!
DD= DOUBLE DANG
E = ENORMOUS
F = FAKE
G = GIGANTIC
H = HELP I HAVE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP

2007-01-23 07:49:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman with her wedding ring finger missing and a man get off of a train, and are met by a man that they haven't seen for thirty years. He pulls out a gun and kills her. The police take no action. Why?

2007-01-23 07:47:24 · 3 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

what came first the chicken or the egg and you know when cows in a field lie down and your nan or someone old says oooh its gonna rain what happens if some cows are stood up and some are led down does it rain or not

2007-01-23 07:46:53 · 13 answers · asked by missaskalot 2