Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.

The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I'm looking for someone to mind this store for me."

"When do I start?" the guy asked.

"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.

First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dxldo rack. "How much for the white dxldo?"

"Forty dollars," he said.

"How much for the black dxldo?"

"Forty dollars."

"Give me the . . . uh, black one. I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.

2007-01-23 00:09:47 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-23 00:08:34 · 14 answers · asked by zan 2

TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS

1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself.

3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited.

4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

6 Yes of course I'm female...

7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one?

9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type)

2007-01-23 00:06:37 · 4 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother,

"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

2007-01-23 00:05:23 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHAT HAS A HAT BUT NO HEAD, AND FOOTWEAR BUT NO FEET?.......

2007-01-23 00:03:55 · 2 answers · asked by millsey89 1

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

2007-01-23 00:03:17 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me the puch line for 10 points he made me laugh.

2007-01-23 00:02:09 · 15 answers · asked by Mea 5

The definition for each is listed below:-
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the door by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask ' Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say 'You're next'.

DISCLAIMER -- please do not attempt to try this at home as it could lead to having a permanent pain in the groin area

2007-01-22 23:46:56 · 19 answers · asked by surdy 2

Go to the web page below and click on "Australian AC/DC fan who is unable to SPELL AC/DC!". Wait a while and have a listen

http://doodznchyx.wordpress.com/2003/07/25/how-do-you-spell-acdc/

2007-01-22 23:39:15 · 7 answers · asked by Paul H 2

2007-01-22 23:33:17 · 7 answers · asked by L 5

Hard of hearing.

2007-01-22 23:31:01 · 5 answers · asked by zombiefighter1988 3

2007-01-22 23:27:44 · 11 answers · asked by Sherri ptown 3

3 generations of hookers,,,,youngest one charges £30 for a ********. the middle one charges £50 for a more experienced ********, and the old one was free of charge she was just happy about getting a hot drink.

2007-01-22 23:25:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Out of the eater, something to eat;
out of the strong, something sweet."

2007-01-22 23:09:36 · 9 answers · asked by gman 2

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife, "Your **** is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little sausage, you are sadly mistaken."

2007-01-22 23:05:31 · 12 answers · asked by Hmmmmm 3

The woman.

How can I prove it? When your ear itches and you put your finger in and wiggle it around and take it out again, what feels better, your finger or your ear?

2007-01-22 22:54:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.application
Dear Sir,
My wife is seriously ill and there is no other husband to look after,so kindly grant me leave.

2.i like 1 thing about u
when ever u do some work,u do it whole heartedly
because
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
u dont hav a brain

3.do u wnt a brand new ferrair jus fr 1000 bucks
then log on to www.dogs should be in their limits.com

4.why do gods stay up in heaven?
becauz they r afraid of wat they hav created

5.an unmarried man is incomplete
after mariage he is finished

BEST JOKE OF THE DAY

dumbo:wats the name of ur car?

lady:i donno but it start wid "T"

dumbo:oye kool yaar my car starts wid petrol and your car starts wid 'tea'

2007-01-22 22:36:03 · 6 answers · asked by Sai♥Pranav 3

EVERY BODY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEND ME A RIDDLE THAT DISCRIBE AN ANIMAL .

2007-01-22 22:31:22 · 7 answers · asked by mi_chan_ragnacute 1

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the door. I said: "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."

He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

2007-01-22 22:15:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the light turned from red to green the novice sky diver jumps out of the plane. He enjoyed the inital experience of being at one with the birds and being able to see the vast lands below him. But when it came time to deploy his parachute the first cord failed, "Phew" he thought "Thank goodness for the reserve shoot" and he began to tug hard at the second bit of string on his harness, but nothing seemed to happen. "This is it, my time is up" he thought as he plummeted towards the ground, but as he was falling, he saw a man coming the other way and he wooshed straight past him. "Excuse me!" Said the sky diver, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No" said the man coming the other way, "Do you know anything about repairing gas cookers????".

2007-01-22 22:13:50 · 8 answers · asked by florrie f 3

Two sexually transmitted diseases were sat on a train track, just as the train came into view, one said to the other, I think were a gonnereah.

2007-01-22 22:03:36 · 9 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

The Dog Biscuit Diet !!
>
> I was in Asda buying a large bag of Pedigree Dog Biscuits and was in
line to check out.
>
> A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh ! How Stupid ?
>
> I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Pedigree Dog Biscuit Diet again. I continued the story by
saying that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last
time I tried the diet, but, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.
>
> Her eyes about popped out of her head.
>
> I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it.
>
> I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with biscuits and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry.
>
> The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
>
> I calmly said no..... I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls
when a car hit me.
>
> I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

2007-01-22 22:02:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a black dog running down the middle of a street in a town that was going through a blackout, all the streetlights were out, there were no lights. The dog got to an intersection and a car appeared, heading toward him. The car was all black and the headlights weren't on but the driver saw the dog and swerved to miss him. How did he see the dog?

This is from a riddle book I have and it stumped the hell out of me when I first read it.

2007-01-22 22:00:56 · 28 answers · asked by David H 3

is called up to join the ship. On board the ship he is found lacking in job and confronted by his mate. Young man complains about missing his wife. Mate consoles him and suggests Why not go to the stores on third deck. theres a whole on the wall. Magic hole. Try it out u will forget yr wife.
that night the young sailor is skeptical but still goes to the hole. Removes his pants and tries it out. Young sailor is absolutely satisfied and is thrilled. goes back to his cabin and to bed.
nxt night tries out again and is amazed. now decides to satisfy his needs every night by visiting the magic hole.
a week passes by . On the eighth night our young man walks to the hole for his daily performance. When he is about to unzip his pants a voice from behind says:
"Hey man from today it is your turn to be on the other side of the whole"!!!

2007-01-22 21:37:23 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

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(i think i cleaned it a little too much!)

2007-01-22 21:37:06 · 14 answers · asked by Janey 3

...........penis. He asks "Do you want more s*x?"
"No" she replies, "I'm just admiring your c*ck.....I really miss mine".

2007-01-22 21:24:08 · 30 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

..................fits between your t*ts, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked??




A seatbelt you pervert!.....Buckle up!!

2007-01-22 21:20:48 · 19 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..." "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

2007-01-22 21:16:22 · 14 answers · asked by G4V1N 2

2007-01-22 21:13:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2007-01-22 20:58:31 · 24 answers · asked by G4V1N 2