Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

lol

2007-01-22 12:03:00 · 6 answers · asked by Countess Blavinskeya 2

If you have one you want to share it, if you share it you don't have one?
And for those who don't know the first:
What red and green, and travels at 20 miles per hour?

2007-01-22 11:59:16 · 10 answers · asked by sadie sue 3

SHE OFFERED HER HONOUR
HE HONOURED HER OFFER
AND ALL NIGHT LONG IT WAS ON HONOUR AND OFFER

2007-01-22 11:57:12 · 22 answers · asked by colin050659 6

you can see what i can do? but you cant realy see me. i can be felt but yet you cant realy touch me. what am I?

2007-01-22 11:54:28 · 9 answers · asked by hackstudio 4

2007-01-22 11:53:45 · 32 answers · asked by qwertyu9642 1

What 5 letter word typed in all capital letters can be read the same upside down?

2007-01-22 11:49:30 · 16 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

the person who made it sold it
the person who bought it didn't use it
the person who used it never saw it

what is it?

2007-01-22 11:47:47 · 5 answers · asked by dcal518 1

i come out when the sun comes up?
i hide when the sun goes down?
if you look for me in the light i will allways be around
what am I?

2007-01-22 11:37:43 · 16 answers · asked by hackstudio 4

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,

"Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
__________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the

bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knocking on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
___________________________________________

WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She

walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limit ed to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________________

DRIVING

As a senior

citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she

was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and sa id, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

2007-01-22 11:25:16 · 22 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

2007-01-22 11:20:23 · 14 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

i did dat so u can get ur brain working

2007-01-22 11:14:34 · 31 answers · asked by .:.patricia.:. 1

OK, well that certainly got ur attention
Ok I need to solve a puzzle

An example of this kind of logic puzzle is:

26 L of the A
is
26 letters of the alphabet

and
7 W of the W
7 wonders of the world

and 101 D
101 Dalmations

or 32 D at which W F

32 Degrees in which water freezes
Well these r only some, please help me find the rest!!!!!!!!

88 P K

13 S on the A F

18 H on a G C

90 D in an R A

200 D for P G in M

8 S on a S S

3 BM { S H T R}

1 W on a U

5 D in a Z C

6 S on a C

40 D and N of the G F

76 T in the B P

20,000 L U T S

1B in a H is W 2 in a B

100 Y on a FF

6 O in a I

57 H V

2 D of the W

You don't have to do all of them just try your best
for any further questions please IM me

THANKS A TON!

2007-01-22 11:10:19 · 18 answers · asked by CARLOS7DIGITAL 1

A girl walks into a bar and sits down next to a fairly mascular guy. She then looks over at him and asks him "Hey, whatcha drinkin'?" Guy replies "Magic beer. If I swig this whole thing, I can fly around the building." "No way" she replies. So the guy drinks the rest of his beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building, and comes back in. She asked him to do it again, and this time saw him fly around the building. "Wow!" she says. "Hey bartender, pull me up one of those beers!" She swigs the beer, jumps out the window, and SPLAT! Bartender looks over and says "you're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"

2007-01-22 11:04:39 · 16 answers · asked by Liam W 2

What is Faith No More singing about in the song Epic?

Epic 4:51

Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can't, then it doesn't matter anyway
You will never understand it cuz it happens too fast
And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass
It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright
It's so groovy, it's outta sight
You can touch it, smell it, taste it so sweet
But it makes no difference cuz it knocks you off your feet
You want it all but you can't have it
It's cryin', bleedin', lying on the floor
So you lay down on it and you do it some more
You've got to share it, so you dare it
Then you bare it and you tear it
You want it all but you can't have it
It's in your face but you can't grab it
It's alive, afraid, a lie, a sin
It's magic, it's tragic, it's a loss, it's a win
It's dark, it's moist, it's a bitter pain
It's sad it happened and it's a shame
You want it all but you can't have it
It's in your face but you can't grab it
What is it?
It's it
What is it?...

2007-01-22 11:01:49 · 8 answers · asked by Specialist McKay 4

How many pancakes does it take to re-shingle the roof of a dog house?

2007-01-22 11:00:40 · 7 answers · asked by tokes 3

Thought this would be fun as there are only a limited number of combinations.

Go on, have a guess!

Best answer and 10 ranking points to the first correct answer.

2007-01-22 10:56:56 · 14 answers · asked by Jim E 2

A little boy get on a bus and sets direcly behind the bus driver and he starts yelling at the top of his lungs IF MY MOMMY WERE A GIRL DOG AND MY DADDY WAS A GUYS DOG THAT WOULD MAKE ME A BABY DOG well he yells this for about a good hour or so finaly the driver turns around and yells ALRITE YOU LITTLE **** TELL ME THIS IF YOU MOTHER WAS A PROSTITUE AND YOU FATHER A GAT SALOER WHAT WOULD YA BE THEN The little boy answered a bus driver

2007-01-22 10:53:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everybody has heard this question before and I know that there is a REAL answer out there somewhere. Is it yours?

2007-01-22 10:53:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

man gets tired of big city life, moves to a big spread in texas..
3months pass with no human contact, til one night he hears a horse approaching...
Rider says "Heard someone moved into this spread and was wondering if you'd like to come over to my place for a big knock out bash...there'll be all the food you can eat, all the booze you can drink, and the WILDEST SEX YOU'VE EVER HAD"!!!
Rancher says "Sounds great, what'll I wear"?
Rider says, "anything you want, It'll just be you and me!!!!!!!!

2007-01-22 10:51:40 · 8 answers · asked by The Emperor of Ecstasy 5

One guy was sitting at the bar alone and another drunk comes alonng and sits beside him he ask where are you from the man answers im from ireland the second says no **** so am i lets have a drink to good old ireland well they have a drink and he says what town are ya from Caldwell replies the man really so am i the second says lets have a drink to caldwell he then asks what school did ya go to i went to St. marys graduated in 1962 No shi so did i gradueated in 1962 well this goes one for an hour or so htye keep asking questions well then another guys walks in and says to the barkeep any thing interesting goin one he replies oh nothing much but the omally twins are drunk again.

2007-01-22 10:50:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

2007-01-22 10:46:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-01-22 10:43:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".....Mexican Joke submitted by Alan. The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

2007-01-22 10:37:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sisters were sitting in the living room with their father when the first daughter asked, "daddy, how did i get my name?" "well on the way home from the hospital a rose petal fell on your head so we named you Rose."


Then the second daughter asks, "daddy, how did i get my name?" The father replies, "well on the way home from the hospital a violet petal fell on your head so we named you Violet."


The third daughter says, "DEE-DEE-DEE" & the dad says, "BE QUIET CINDER BLOCK"

2007-01-22 10:32:27 · 14 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Last Tuesday on flight #196 to Denver. Mrs Jones, Miss Smith and Mr Bond were seated together. At one time all of the following were true:

A)Mrs.Jones had her tray table down
B)The person sitting in the window was to the left of the other two.
C)Mr.Bond was sitting next 2 Mrs. Jones
D)The lady in the center was reading a magazine
E)Miss Smith was reading a book
F)Miss Smith was the stepdaughter of the person on Mr Bonds Left
.....PLEASE DETAIL WHERE ALL PASSANGERS ARE SEATED ....
Is the plain going North,South, East, or West
What side of the plain are they in, the left or right corridor.

Thanks!!!

2007-01-22 10:32:13 · 4 answers · asked by Aaron 1

The Pros and Cons of Being Mexican

by Jason Roth


* Pro
The rich, majestic beauty of the Aztec ruins.

Con
Having to spend a week's wages on half a taco.


* Pro
Great food.

Con
Pretentious American food critics won't give your restaurant more than three stars unless you serve them something with crème or give them give them five minutes alone in the kitchen with one of your hot Mexican waitresses.


* Pro
Endless opportunity to appreciate the timeless beauty of the Cactus.

Con
Having to fetch another Corona for those drunk pricks on Spring Break in Cancun.


* Pro
Having the chance to witness the art of the bullfight.

Con
Having a government that gores you in the *** on a daily basis.


* Pro
You're motivated, strong-willed, and have a great work ethic.

Con
None of those attributes help when the Texan redneck drops his Pabst Blue Ribbon just long enough to shoot your *** while you try to make it across the border.


* Pro
An abundance of the delicious flavor and pungent aroma of cilantro.

Con
Not all Mexican herbs are as freely distributed.

2007-01-22 10:30:01 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need some jokes that will make 11-12 Year old kids laugh any sugestions please go ahead and write some thank you.

2007-01-22 10:20:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

because 7 8 9! i know its old but its still doing the circuit!

2007-01-22 09:59:11 · 38 answers · asked by bluerose123 2

...with a view to gaining a free pair of glasses. "Can you read the bottom line?" asked the Optician, pointing at the chart. "Read it", said the Pole, "I know him!".

2007-01-22 09:45:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The start of eternity. The end of Time and space. The start of every end and the end of everyplace.

To name me is to destroy me.

Through wind and rain I always play. I roam the earth yet here I stay. I crumble rocks and fire can't beat me, yet I am soft you can measure me in your hand.

At night they come without being fetched, and by day they are lost without being stolen. What are they?

2007-01-22 09:42:09 · 27 answers · asked by pussy cat 1