Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A.) theyre Chocolate Chips!

2007-01-22 05:53:08 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said

''yes there is a nasty bug going around''

2007-01-22 05:50:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

You may have to try a few times. Let me know if you have know any good tongue twisters like this one.

2007-01-22 05:48:24 · 4 answers · asked by SHELTIELUVER 3

During a January revival an evangelist asked the people
in line what they needed. One man's request was for his
hearing.

The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's
ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your
hearing?"

The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next
Tuesday."

2007-01-22 05:39:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulls over a man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

2007-01-22 05:33:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you have nuts on urchest you have chest nuts and when you you have nuts on the wall you have walnuts...what do you have when you have nuts on a chin?!

2007-01-22 05:18:15 · 10 answers · asked by Rubba Bubba 2

2007-01-22 05:15:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

2007-01-22 05:14:45 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Youre in a room with all southern exposure and a bear walks by the window. What color is the bear?
(there is a real and logical answer to this question)

2007-01-22 05:09:53 · 27 answers · asked by Rotten Johnny 5

Hope you catch on to these.

-A little boy said to himself, "Now I know why my dad attracts so many women........he's a master baiter!"

-George Bush cheated on his wife with a woman named Paula, who was a veterinarian. After a while, he noticed that his scalp and his pubic area itched really bad. He went to the doctor only to discover that he caught Paula ticks.

-A woman went to her boyfriend's job to deliver him a surprise birthday gift. The receptionist asked, "who is this for?" The woman said, " this is for Nick A. Shun."

-Eye yam sofa king we todd it.

-A 7 year old boy named Johnny got angry with his big brother for bossing him around so much, so he cursed him out. His mom heard him, so she pulled him to the side and told him to use the word olive in place of the 'f' word. So the next time Johnny got angry, he said to his brother, "I'm not listening to you! Olive you!" His brother said, "Awww, Olive you, too!"

Please feel free to add any jokes of your own!

2007-01-22 04:53:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the grass tickles their balls

2007-01-22 04:44:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
KumHia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai YuKum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

2007-01-22 04:44:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

LMAOSHSCFOMN....

Tell me what it means... the 10 points go to the 1st right answer

2007-01-22 04:41:35 · 10 answers · asked by WhoDidThat??? 7

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover --- The Position Of The Dirt Bag !

2007-01-22 04:31:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men, an Englishman and an American are walking arcoss London. The American seems to be severely unimpressed by the city, so he says to the Englishman

- Look at this place, god, its just so small. For example just look at this house, if we were in America it would be five, ten times bigger!

-Well, clearly sir, it is a lunatic asylum.

2007-01-22 04:30:33 · 19 answers · asked by Smee 2

3 men on a sinking island there is another island across with salvation. They must all make it across to the adjesent island by night fall and by way of the raft that they found. The max weight in this raft is 205lbs. 1st.guy weighs 101 lbs 2ndguy weighs 102 lbs and 3rd guy weigh 202 lbs. They all make it across the island and by way of the raft due to the shark infested waters. How do they do it? winner recieves best answer today...

2007-01-22 04:24:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-22 04:23:56 · 6 answers · asked by loufedalis 7

...so many old people walk along ducking for cover?
incase anyone holds them to their word!

2007-01-22 04:15:55 · 8 answers · asked by AnswerGeek 4

thier not that big so how far could they throw a piece of wood anyway.
why are they so mad that they need to throw things.
**** them

2007-01-22 04:10:42 · 15 answers · asked by high 1

My friend was really late for her appointment with the gynaecologist and although she always made a special effort over hygiene when making such visits, this time she really had to cut corners. She grabbed the washcloth beside the sink and gave herself a hurried clean and put the cloth into the washing machine and sped off hoping not to be late-- she made it just in time and was taken straight in. She knew the procedure, jumped on the table with legs apart and pretended she was in Paris or ANYWHERE. She was surprised when the doc commented that she had really made a special effort - thought nothing more about it and was just happy that her session was over.
When she got home her 6 year old daughter was in tears and cried 'mummy, where's my washcloth?'
She told her daughter not to worry -- just get a clean one from the cupboard.

No, No, cried her daughter - I need the one I left by the sink -- it had all my sparkles & glitter saved inside it !!

2007-01-22 04:09:25 · 25 answers · asked by surdy 2

IT'S TRUE!

2007-01-22 04:08:39 · 22 answers · asked by Gertrude 1

Three guys were applying for the priesthood. The Cardinal was going to give them a test. He tied a bell attached to a string on each of their p enises. He told them that he was going to show them pictures of naked girls and if the bells rang then they would flunk the priesthood test.

He showed the first guy the pictures and nothing happened. "You passed", the Cardinal said.

He showed the naked girls to the second guy. Nothing happened. "You passed."

He showed the pictures to the third guy. Nothing happened.

The Cardinal said "All of you passed." The Cardinal turned to put away the pictures but dropped them. He bent over to pick them up and all three bells went "ding, ding,ding."

2007-01-22 04:06:06 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so ... I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom, Dad ... Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

2007-01-22 04:04:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

when you want to get a dog from the dog pound/home, they come to check the size of your home to make sure it's acceptable for the dog,...what does it mean when you get a letter saying your home is not fit for a f**cking mutt!!?

2007-01-22 04:03:00 · 9 answers · asked by AnswerGeek 4

Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. When he went to wipe his asx and there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home.

2007-01-22 03:52:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman picks up a loaded shotgun and aims it at the customer. To this the customer replys "thanks" (sincerely) and walks out of the bar.
Why?

2007-01-22 03:49:41 · 12 answers · asked by abcdefg 2

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had brexsts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger mxmbers than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."!

2007-01-22 03:47:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and saying hello.
He's rather taken aback because he cant even place where he knows her from ----- but, because she is so beautiful, he goes over and asks ' Do you know me?'
The woman replies 'I think you are the father of one of my kids'
Startled, the man's mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks' Oh my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching and cheering, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'


The woman looks into his eyes and calmly replies ' No I'm your son's maths teacher'

2007-01-22 03:39:26 · 37 answers · asked by surdy 2

god joke: one day a gay called berny is just driving along when a police comes along and said to berny '' excuse me sir is that wine i see in the guest seat'' berny says '' no offiser it be water'' police says ''wel it looks like wine to me look for your self'' berny says '' good lord hes done it again ! ! ! ! ! !
Do you like it is is it crap

2007-01-22 03:36:36 · 18 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

2007-01-22 03:23:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous