Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Scientists can tell the age of a tree by ......... the rings in the trunk .

a- counting up b - counting down c- counting on

d- counting against .

Choose the right answer from a,b,c&d

2007-01-22 01:03:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

2007-01-22 01:00:16 · 5 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Freshmen versus seniors
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

2007-01-22 00:58:48 · 9 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Tip the pizza delivery boy
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

2007-01-22 00:57:08 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A lesson about blood flow and circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

2007-01-22 00:55:20 · 5 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

2007-01-22 00:53:54 · 10 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

I Could Use a Little Money
Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

2007-01-22 00:50:47 · 9 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

So i have this guy friend. And his birthday party is on Saturday. And were really close frineds. But what should I get him? Or should i not get im anything?!?!?

2007-01-22 00:44:44 · 4 answers · asked by omg like woahh 2

Making an effort to help a "lonely" child
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

2007-01-22 00:44:42 · 1 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-01-22 00:29:59 · 6 answers · asked by Qashu M 1

Ok this is the case. I met this girl two weeks ago, actually she was posting placards so just to start a conversation i asked her what is all this thing and all... and like thought the conversation began but i did the most stupidest thing while talking she asked me whether i am a new student and which is i'm not. She works for some college board taking complains and ideas from the students and all. SO the thing now i even have her number but i have neither called her or sent an SMS but im dying to take her out. Ok last week i asked her once wether she wants to go for luch or dinner maybe, and she replied saying that um she already had her lunch and dinner she cant coz she goes off home everyday. Is it that she thinks in a new sem student that's y she she doenst wants to go with me she is 3rd sem student and im 6th. So now i really want to take her out so should i send a message now or should i meet her directly, because i can hardly do anythng else, its just her im seeing in my mind.

2007-01-22 00:27:30 · 8 answers · asked by rdx 2

my kids like this one..


Ladies and jelly spoons, hobos and tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
There’s a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only.
Wear your best clothes if you haven’t any.
Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home.
Admission is free; pay at the door.
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit;
The man in the gallery’s sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go,
Let me tell you a story I don’t really know.


some peeps my know it...lol

2007-01-22 00:26:47 · 7 answers · asked by Mr (FnC).. Frogncat 5

What Goes Round the world and stays in one corner?

2007-01-22 00:24:45 · 13 answers · asked by Confused 2

Several years ago England funded a study to determine why the head on a man's p enis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's p enis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Italy decided to conduct a study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the English study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of £250,000, they concluded that the reason the head of a man's p enis is larger than the shaft is to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the Italian study were released, France decided to conduct a study. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around £75, the French study was complete. Their study came to the conclusion that the reason the head of the man's p enis is larger than the shaft, is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

2007-01-22 00:23:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were doing the normal "I can top you" routine. The first man says,
"I can remember back to the first day I was in nursery school."

The second man says,
"I can top that. I can remember back to the day I was born, hearing the doctor congratulating my mother on what a big, healthy baby I was."

The third man starts laughing.
"You think that's going back?! I remember going to a dance with my father and coming home with my mother"

2007-01-22 00:13:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman "have you got any bread?" the barman says "no"
Two minutes later the duck says "have you got any bread?" again the barman says "no"
Two minutes later the duck says "have you got any bread?" the barman says "I just told you, no"
Two minutes later the duck says "have you got any bread?" the barman is getting really annoyed now and says "no and if you ask me that once more then I will nail your beak to the bar"
Two minutes later the duck says "have you got any nails?" the barman says "no"
The duck then says "have you got any bread?"

Well I thought it was funny and a bit of light relief for a Monday!

2007-01-22 00:12:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.

2007-01-22 00:11:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a young lady called Jade
Who thought her career in TV was made
This girl with no nouse
Opened her big gob in the house
And now she has been buried with a spade

(No racist pun intended)

Can you do better?

2007-01-21 23:56:54 · 17 answers · asked by footynutguy 4

with a chicken under his arm and says "i'd like you to meet the pig i've been sleeping with for 10 years"
"thats a chicken!!!!" his wife proclaims
to which he replies " I WAS TALKING TO THE CHICKEN"

2007-01-21 23:50:56 · 20 answers · asked by daftarseuk 2

Battle of Wits

John and Mary were playing at Patball, an outdoor game of their own invention. In skill, there was nothing to choose between them.
They were playing to 21 points.
Mary had the sun in her face. "Look here, John," she said, "with the sun where it is now you're scoring about 3 points to my one, I ought to have a handicap."
"Okay," John said. "Or why not change over at half time? Say when I've scored ten points."
"Right," said Mary. She considered. "After all, John, you did win the toss. Let's change over when you've scored 12."
"A generous offer," said John. "I'll accept it, all the same?"
What should be the result of the game?

2007-01-21 23:48:11 · 9 answers · asked by enigma 1

Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are you think,I'm not under the alfluence of incehole like some theaple pink I am,the dronger I stand here the lunker I get.

2007-01-21 23:46:31 · 5 answers · asked by bty937915 4

Paddy went on to who wants to be a millionaire and chris sed were do you live paddy? he sed can i phone a friend? was that funny?

2007-01-21 23:44:17 · 13 answers · asked by philip k 1

2007-01-21 23:39:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-21 23:37:28 · 9 answers · asked by siddartha m 1

Husband comes home 4AM and discovers his wife in bed with another man.

Wife: "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Dont change the topic!!"

2007-01-21 22:50:42 · 22 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

Mick and paddy are reading headstones in the grave yard. Mick says to paddy cor this guy was 152. Wow replys paddy whats his name? Miles from london! replys Mick

2007-01-21 22:48:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

2007-01-21 22:20:21 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Wedding Ring

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding
ring cut off from his penis. After his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress
find out you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding
ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your
wedding ring!!

2007-01-21 22:17:55 · 12 answers · asked by ~LAX Mom~ 5

2007-01-21 22:01:37 · 24 answers · asked by tammygirl 1

Who makes a living by being killed?


I thought of this myself btw. First person to get it right get's best answer.

2007-01-21 22:00:47 · 14 answers · asked by David H 3