Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

After a night of wild passion, he's overcome with a desire to have a cigarette. He checks his pockets to find he's only got cigaettes but no matches.Rumaging through the draws at the side of the bed, he comes across a picture of a man.
Feeling a little guilty he asks her "is this your husband?" to which shes says no
perhaps its your boyfriend then? Again she says no.
Brother?
"not my brother" she replies.

So, who is it then?



" Oh its me before the operation" she says.

2007-01-22 07:42:53 · 18 answers · asked by motomarco9999 2

One day a construction crew arrives next door to a young family,to build another house. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally takes an interest and begins hanging around the site. Eventually the brickies adopt her as a kind of mascot - chatting to her and giving her errands to run. Then at the end of the week, they present her with a pay envelope containing a fiver.
Excitedly, the little girl runs to her mother, who suggests they take it to the bank. Running straight up to the pay-in desk, the little girl thrusts her wages over the counter.
"I earned this, building a house," she beams, proudly. "For a whole week."
"Goodness!" smiles the bank cashier, "And will you be building it next week too?"
"Yes," trills the little girl......"If the fu****g bricks ever get delivered." :)

2007-01-22 07:39:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Dishwasher
2.Fridge
3.A woman
4.Toaster
5.Washing machine

Answer. Toaster (all the others leak when they're f***ked)

2007-01-22 07:39:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I forgot...

2007-01-22 07:38:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full
of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop
and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

2007-01-22 07:37:28 · 20 answers · asked by diana h 1

We could all use a good laugh! Put your sentence in your answer.

Pick the month you were born:
January-I kicked
February-I loved
March-I smoked
April-I dry humped
May-I choked on
June-I murdered
July-I did the Macarena with
August-I had lunch with
September-I danced with
October-I sang to
November-I yelled at
December-I ran over

Pick the day you were born:
1-a birdbath
2-a monster
3-a phone
4-a fork
5-a Mexican
6-a gangster
7-my cell phone
8-my dog
9-my best friends' boyfriend
10-my neighbor
11-my science teacher
12-a banana
13-a fireman
14-a stuffed animal
15-a goat
16-a pickle
17-your mom
18-a spoon
19-myself
20-a baseball bat
21-a ninja
22-Chuck Norris
23-a noodle
24-a squirrel
25-a football player
26-my sister
27-my brother
28-an ipod
29-a permanent marker
30-a llama
31-A homeless guy

2007-01-22 07:34:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. bush!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing
to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," dubya replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my
cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the
pub. That makes eight!"

dubya paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" dubya asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

dubya sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000
armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million
since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. bush, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

dubya was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said dubya. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and
decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

2007-01-22 07:32:52 · 11 answers · asked by diana h 1

Whilst enjoying a gentle bike ride, a barrell of beer came off a lorry and landed on my head, no damage done as it was only Light Ale.
A little further on i had the misfortune to get hit by another vehicle, only this time i was not so lucky, my leg got injured, at the hospital they said they would have to amputate, on coming round after the operation, i was informed that they had taken the wrong leg off,and that they would have to remove the other one...I took them to court for compensation, but lost the case, the Judge said i did'nt have a leg to stand on..Im depressed where can i go from here.....

2007-01-22 07:25:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she thinks.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and immediately begins snoring
loudly. The woman thinks that maybe the ribbon will work on him too. So she
goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her
husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! She then sleeps soundly.

He wakes in a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in
front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the
bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we
were or what we did but, by damn, we took 1st and 2nd place!"

2007-01-22 07:21:14 · 17 answers · asked by diana h 1

>There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell >her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most >of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. > >An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he >approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you >seeing the Doctor for today?" >"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. >The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a >crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that." >"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. >The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in >this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong >with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the >Doctor in private." >The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, >if the answer could embarrass anyone." >The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. >The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" >"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. >The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her >advice. >"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" >"I can't piss out of it," the man replied. >The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

2007-01-22 06:54:28 · 34 answers · asked by diana h 1

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The barman yells at him, "You can't bring that animal in here!"

The man says, "This isn't just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I'll show you." He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, "This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time."

So, the bartender says "47 seconds." The man says, "OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go!" The alligator opens its mouth wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, "To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, I'm gonna lay my d ick in his mouth. But, just for safety's sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on." The man does so, and when the bartender starts saying "45...46...47..," right when he says 48 the man pulls back his d ick and the alligator's mouth snaps shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, "Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?" And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, "You there!! You're a real man! You brave enough to try this??!"

To which the other man says, "Yes, but I don't think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds."

2007-01-22 06:54:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

2007-01-22 06:51:01 · 33 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

One Day a house wife bought a new cell phone. and changed he number. she wanted to suprise her husband. so she went to the bathroom and called him. he answered and said "hello". he said "hey honey". then he said "call me later, My b**** is in the bathroom."

2007-01-22 06:39:00 · 6 answers · asked by Aror 2

what is a really funny but not too violent prank?

2007-01-22 06:36:53 · 5 answers · asked by Secret Agent Man 3

A soldier arrives in Iraq and reports to his post, out in the middle of nowhere.

After a few weeks, he asks some of the soldiers what they do for action there. "We use the camel tied up behind the captains tent."

Disgusted, he walks away.

A couple more weeks go by, he decides to ask the captain himself. "Sir, the men here told me that if I want some action, I should use the camel tied up behind your tent." The captain responds, "That's correct private, we all use it."

Curiously, he finally decides he should give it a try. So he pulls up a stool and does his business.

He walks back into the captains tent and says "Sir, that was by far the nastiest thing I have ever done."

To which the captain replies: "You know son, most of us just ride him into town..."

2007-01-22 06:34:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married man was cheating on his wife with the secretary.
> One afternoon, the cheating couple snuck away from work and went to a local motel. They fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8:00pm.
> Alarmed at the time, the two hurriedly got dressed and rushed to their respective homes. But before he went inside, the man stopped in his front yard and rubbed in shoes in the grass and mud.
> “Where have you been!” demanded his wife he entered the house.
> Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.
> Through tears, the wife looked down at his shoes and said, “you liar! You’re been playing golf.

2007-01-22 06:33:25 · 9 answers · asked by ms01 4

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

2007-01-22 06:27:15 · 5 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A pilot, you damn racist.

2007-01-22 06:23:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-22 06:22:46 · 11 answers · asked by tease :-) 2

an artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

2007-01-22 06:18:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

2007-01-22 06:16:59 · 15 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-01-22 06:16:17 · 2 answers · asked by ? 6

This joke is like one I sent a long time ago, but in different settings:

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?? You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

2007-01-22 06:12:57 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can never obey that directive on the back of school buses: "Stop on Signal." No way can I get my car up that high.

I saw a sign at a used car dealer: "50 Cars Under $7000." Man, what a deal. I can buy 50 cars for $7000.

When I was young, I looked forward to buying beer when I turned 21. Now they have that sign: "You must be 21 to buy beer." Damn, first I'm too young, now I'm too old.

I was passing by a grove of pine trees. In the middle was a single white tree. I guess it's true: "There's always an ash in the crowd."

I never could understand that formula for computing the area of a circle. Everyone knows pie are not square. Pie are round, cornbread are square.

I have a friend who's the square root of negative pi. He's imaginary and irrational.

I saw infinity the other day. It blew my mind. It's a small metal decal on the back of a car. I thought infinity was bigger.

2007-01-22 06:12:51 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and

The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra, makes mountains out of molehills."

2007-01-22 06:08:35 · 5 answers · asked by sprinting_turtle 5

Try to uncover the celebrity names hidden in the story. There are six names. Here's a clue: the names are hidden within the syllables, not the letters. Good luck:

Sarah is a detective. She got suspicious, so she took some eating utensils from the kitchen and went into the backyard. She dug up some dirt and uncovered some mysteries with her spoon. She found a bottle of water (which was tonic), coal, rich essential vitamin tablets, and a key. As she tried to analyze the stuff, she remembered that a guy named Thai robbed banks, but the connection made no sense to her. So she spoke with someone on her phone and asked, "Clint East, would you help me with something?" He replied yes, and they talked about the case. After so many weeks of investigation, Sarah felt that she had to convince Vonlee, the lieutenant, that this would be a cold case. After telling him this, he said, "It doestn't matter if this case goes beyond, say, another 20 years. We are gonna work to solve this thing!"

2007-01-22 06:07:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was the one sitting at the back of you back in Middle School. The one who was interested in world peace.

2007-01-22 06:06:59 · 7 answers · asked by BMW M5 3

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left
side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the
level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a
fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of
you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping
horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as
you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly
dangerous situation?

2007-01-22 06:00:39 · 4 answers · asked by jim s 2

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you tell the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

2007-01-22 05:56:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

2007-01-22 05:53:26 · 5 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4