Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

An unfortunate soul gets washed up on a tropical island.

Soon he's captured by cannibals and put in a huge pot. The unfriendly tribe light a fire underneath and put vegtables in the pot with the unlucky sailor.

The tribal leader starts dancing around the pot, making alot of noise and stabbs the sailor with his spear...... The sailor bursts out laughing.

The chief, stops for a second, taken aback by the reaction of the sailor. But dances around the pot and stabs the saiolor again.

Again the sailor laughs, The chief now a little bemushed dances himself into a frenzy and stabs the sailor as hard as he can...... this time the sailor is in hysterics.

The chief stops the dancing and questions the sailor "Why, you laugh?? We capture you, put you in a pot of boiling water and vegetbles, stab you.... and you laugh???"

The sailor wipe the tears of laughter away and replies, "Evertime you stab me with your spear, I'm Sh*tting in your soup!!"

2007-01-28 01:28:35 · 11 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

WORD: ClueES:

_ _ _ _ _ _ e yuck on, jokes
id, two words
_ _ s _ _ _ _ clothes, girls
g _ _ _ _ _ _ can
_ i _ _ l _ _ _ _ _ adult page
_ _ l e _ _ o _ _ ring
_ _ rc_ _ _ jail message
_ o _ _ t _ _ rockets
_ _ _ t _ - _ _ _ e _ _ mine
_ e_ _ _ _t 20-0
_ _ n _ _u _ _ _ one, call
_ _ ss_ _ _ _ secret
_ o _ _ _ e cow, container


examples:
e_g__es fly
eagles


10 points for whoever guesses the most...
gl

2007-01-28 01:17:22 · 3 answers · asked by girl_0wnz 1

When I mean short, I mean short.

Funny phrases are preferred.

Please make it less than 21 characters (letters, numbers, symbols, etc...)

2007-01-28 01:15:16 · 15 answers · asked by cubscaps33 5

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old
continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
'hell' andyou say something with 'as s'. The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old
what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up and runs upstairs with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstair s, looks at the 4-year old and
asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat as s it won't be Cheerios."

2007-01-28 01:05:02 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chap walks in to the bar, amazed he rubs his eyes, there infront of him was this tiny man about 1 foot tall playing the piano!! The little man was superb, the music filled the bar.

The chap couldn't contain himself, he ran to the bar and shouted "barman, barmen... tell me where you got the piano player!!"

The barmen replied, very unhappyly "Don't talk to me about that bloody Pianist".

"But he's amazing, you must tell me about him!" exclaimed the chap.

"O.k, O.k," Said the barman, "Just promise me you'll drop the subject after?!"

"For sure!" replied the chap.

"Well," said the barman "I was tidying the cellar and I came across this bottle, I rubbed the dust off and to my amazement, a genie popped out and granted me one wish, he said speek clearly because the Genie had a slight hearing problem!" The barman stopped for a second and shook is head "Well, all I can say is I didn't ask for an 18" Pianist!!!"

2007-01-28 01:02:39 · 16 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

And don't say.....Don't shoot.

2007-01-28 00:51:30 · 60 answers · asked by Anonymous

he has had u fooled the last 3 jokes wern't mine

2007-01-28 00:49:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do some jokes go through and others don't? I have read much worse on this site.

2007-01-28 00:48:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are in bed and he turns to her and says, 'Darling, let's make love' she turns to him and says,
'Shh! be quiet George, the kids will here you - if you feel like this again, ask to use my washing machine'
So a few nights later she's feeling randy and she turns to her husband and says, Darling, would you like to use my washing machine? he says to his wife,
'to tell you the truth pet, it was only a small bundle so i did it by hand!

2007-01-28 00:35:22 · 27 answers · asked by merciasounds 5

My father bought a TRESSPASS T-SHIRT (yeah its a company).I wore it to my school and one of my friends asked what brand it is I replied its TRESSPASS and he says my father is doing it.I asked "really?!"
(Well the thing is he makes it look like his father is tresspassing)

2007-01-28 00:33:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I LIVE IN WATER. IF U CUT MY HEAD I AM AT UR DOOR. IF U CUT MY TAIL I AM A FRUIT. IF U CUT BOTH I AM WITH U. WHO AM I.

2007-01-28 00:31:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many AMERICAN does it take to change a light bulb??

2007-01-28 00:31:03 · 13 answers · asked by Skimmer 2

There was a young man of Ghent,
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

2007-01-28 00:20:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The octogenerian wife phones the husband who is out driving on the highway " Dear, be careful. They are showing a car going the wrong way on your route". The octogenerian husband replies " Heck - one car? I see hundreds of them going the wrong way".
The moral of the story?

2007-01-28 00:18:20 · 9 answers · asked by Traveller 5

Have you heard that Capcom is developing a survival horror game set in an old peoples' home?
It's going to be called Residential Evil.

2007-01-27 23:55:06 · 15 answers · asked by ♥ Divine ♥ 6

2007-01-27 23:30:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"
"A little more..."

"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

2007-01-27 23:20:44 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

the begining of the night [n]
the end of the world [d]
half the end[n]

2007-01-27 23:06:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Birth Control Pills At 72?

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

2007-01-27 23:01:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he express himself? Think about it first before
scrolling down for the answer...















































































He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a hammer."


If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now...

2007-01-27 23:00:04 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car...

2007-01-27 22:48:03 · 17 answers · asked by diana h 1

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

2007-01-27 22:44:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?

Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!

2007-01-27 22:32:43 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

i posted a joke yesterday i cant repeat it because it received a violation i am now down 9 points, this joke was on a birthday card i had received and because i hadnt contributed for a while i decided to type that in as it was funny but apparently the abbreviated version of the word flatulence is violating the community guidelines i explained to yahoo that it was a joke and was posted as so had i said instaed "commit the act of flatulence" it woyuld then have been a statement and not only in the wrong section but also untrue, what sort of grading method is used for the violation notices???


the joke was
women never ever never (commit the act of flatulence but a shorter word beginning with f and ending with t with ar in middle) they never do
they may smell a little off when they cough, but they never (commit the act of flatulence but a shorter word beginning with f and ending with t with ar in middle)


can you see how it sort of spoils a little bit of jest?

2007-01-27 22:27:07 · 11 answers · asked by 0000 3

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times

2007-01-27 22:24:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Real rear wheel !!

it really messes up my students pronunciation ....i teach chinese kids!

2007-01-27 22:10:20 · 10 answers · asked by Sarahdv7 2

A dustman knocks on a Japanese mans door.The jap says"harro wot u want?"Dustman asks "where's ur bin?"I bin on loo"says jap. "No mate,where's ya dustbin?" I dustbin on loo says jap."No no mate, Where's ur wheelie bin?"hokay,I wheelie bin having a w@nk

2007-01-27 22:06:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Drunken man?
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"

2007-01-27 22:04:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which is correct?

The yolk of the egg are white? or
The yolk of the egg is white?

2007-01-27 22:04:02 · 6 answers · asked by Sam I Am 3

Blonde trying to kill herself?
A blonde woman was tired of people calling her names and teasing her because of the colour of her hair, so she decided to kill herself. She found some rope and went to the park. She tied one end of the rope to a branch of a tree, climbed the tree and then tied the other end of the rope to her neck.

"Good bye, cruel world," and with that, she slid of the branch.

A couple of hours later, a man was walking in the park, when he noticed a blonde hanging from the tree, but the rope was now round her waiste.

"What are you doing?" the man asked in surprise.

"Im killing myself because the world is an evil place." she said with a tear in her eye.

"Well, isn't the rope supposed to be round your neck if your commiting sucide?" he said.

"Oh yes, but i tried that and couldn't breathe!"

2007-01-27 22:03:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous