Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Bank Account-take a deep breath and read this.


A 92-year-old, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning
by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly,
even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he
smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker
to the elevator, and I provided a visual description of his tiny room,
including the eyelet drapes that had been hung on his window "I love
it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been
presented with a new puppy "Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just
wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness
is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not
doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged, it's how I arrange my
mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning
when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting
the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or
get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift,
and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy
memories. I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So,
my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to being happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

2007-01-27 21:48:00 · 31 answers · asked by sexy rack 2

On a fine sunny day a ship was in the harbor. All of a sudden the ship began to sink. There was no storm and nothing wrong with the ship yet it sank right in front of the spectators eyes.
What caused the ship to sink?

2007-01-27 21:37:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

James ordered a fishing rod, priced at $3.56. Unfortunately, James is an Eskimo who lives in a very remote part of Greenland and the import rules there forbid any package longer than 4 feet to be imported. The fishing rod was 4 feet and 1 inch, just a little too long, so how can the fishing rod be mailed to James without breaking the rules? Ideally James would like the fishing rod to arrive in one piece!

2007-01-27 21:33:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "that's nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no types of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he'd give him $10,000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?

2007-01-27 21:30:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2007-01-27 21:29:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50."

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2007-01-27 21:28:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 21:26:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good for the kids

Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle all over the kitchen floor
the little dog laughed to see such fun
so the cat did a little bit more

Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle all over the bathroom mat
the little dog laughed to see such fun
then piddled all over the cat

2007-01-27 21:09:27 · 4 answers · asked by laughingspam 3

1. Half circle, full circle, half circle, A
Half circle, full circle, right angle, A

2. Three parts of a cross,
A circle complete
A line where two semicircles meet
An isosceles triangle standing on feet
Two semicircles, and a circle complete

2007-01-27 21:03:07 · 8 answers · asked by yakkydoc 6

2007-01-27 20:33:01 · 17 answers · asked by willie.f 1

my boss sent my this puzzle by text to test how smart i am, obviously not very as i'm not sure of the answer, i have worked out two! let me know what the answer is and how you got there, ok here goes:

letter before h + half of 8 + half of B Letter before c + opposite of 7 +middle of SEA + 19th letter times2 + middle of SUN

2007-01-27 20:27:02 · 13 answers · asked by glamchic3 1

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

2007-01-27 20:15:31 · 11 answers · asked by Francisco R 1

2007-01-27 20:06:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Try to list as many ways as possible...the most creative ways get 10 points!

2007-01-27 19:49:27 · 18 answers · asked by shooting_star 2

itshould be desent

2007-01-27 19:40:28 · 9 answers · asked by ammu 1

2007-01-27 19:38:17 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 19:34:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want to include riddles in my lesson plan for my primary 2 students. (8 years old) the theme for their english lesson is currently occupation.

2007-01-27 19:21:49 · 2 answers · asked by lulu 4

If you were to construct a 8 x 8 checkered square (i.e., a 8 x 8 chess board), how many squares would there be in total?

2007-01-27 19:17:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 19:14:46 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boy tells his mother "i got the biggest d#ck in the 5th grade!" his mother replies "yup because your dumbass is 16"!!!

2007-01-27 19:14:28 · 12 answers · asked by sbdunc2003 2

A friend asks Susie how old she is. Her reply is as follows:

"In two years, I will be twice as old as I was five years ago."

How old is Susie?

2007-01-27 19:10:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young schizophrenic name Struther,
When told of the death of his brother,
Said: "Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
After all, I still have each other."

2007-01-27 19:09:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There has been a big bust up in the biscuit tin. A bandit called rocky who was crackers hit a penquin from montana over the head with a club, tied him up to a wagon wheel with a blue riband,kidnapped a trophy and made his breakaway in a taxi.
the police said rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland hotnobbing with a gingernut.
unfortunately.
they do not have
A CRUMB OF EVIDENCE TO GO ON.

2007-01-27 18:35:03 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oh and yes, I do realize that I am in the wrong section! Its just all of the cool people are in this section!

2007-01-27 18:34:05 · 17 answers · asked by ηєvєrmorє 6

and i mean jokes that are specifically targeted to white people, not a general joke that you can substitute any race for.

thanks

2007-01-27 18:12:06 · 8 answers · asked by whosajiggawhat? 2

If all the hippies cut off all their hair
Oh I don't care, oh I don't care.
Dig. (Well all right...)?

2007-01-27 17:58:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

perfect.

picture "perfect" in your mind.

perfect is when your stomach is full because you just finished sitting down with your family and friends to enjoy dinner. it is such a beautiful night so you decide to go out. outside the temperature is warm, but not too warm. it's comfortable enough to wear a t-shirt and jeans. the grass is green and juicy. the sounds of crickets drift in the air. time stands still, and you don't have a care in the world. you are with the ones you care about the most. your closest friends. on the lawn is your most comfortable blanket and you lay down. the sky is full of bright stars and the moon is out. it's night, but the light from the moon and stars make it brighter than usual. you lay and laugh, talk, and think for hours... nothing was ever better.


Sorry this isnt an actual question..just though i'd share how i was feeling with everyone..


- Emile -

2007-01-27 17:55:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ive had a long day at work and i wanna laugh. keep it aprope. please. thanks

2007-01-27 17:11:04 · 9 answers · asked by i must be bored, im on Y answers 3

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
imporant
their children are.

The first on tells her freinds, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a
room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever
he
walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put u down, but
my
son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your
Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4, hard bodied, well hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God.."

2007-01-27 17:07:18 · 25 answers · asked by riah 1