Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

2007-01-28 06:55:45 · 14 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A pig with a flick knife!

2007-01-28 06:55:19 · 18 answers · asked by jabelite 3

lets just say :if i said i'm lying would my statment be true?

2007-01-28 06:51:11 · 9 answers · asked by omeriox 1

Play Wom

2007-01-28 06:49:07 · 9 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.
"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."

2007-01-28 06:45:10 · 20 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!" The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened…It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them.

Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don’t wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

2007-01-28 06:40:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

here's one for ya. it's kind of hard. take a household item, change the first 4 letters. change the second, and forth letters to another vowel, and the first and third to another consonant, to get a woodwind instrument. what is the household item, and what is the instrument?

2007-01-28 06:35:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
If you wake up 10 minutes before class
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
If your social life consists of a date with the library
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
If you carry less than a dollar on your person
If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
If you celebrate when you find a quarter
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
If you get more sleep in class than in your room
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring

2007-01-28 06:32:31 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good looking handsom man gets on.

So then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Wow", he is so good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off".

"I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders!" said the brunette.

All of a sudden the blonde turned to the brunette with a confused look and said, "Ok, but how do you give shoulders?"

2007-01-28 06:29:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl goes on a blind date.

The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?"

2007-01-28 06:25:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Muslim goes to the dentist and has a cavity filled. After the work, the Jew asks how much he owes, and the dentist says, 'No, no…I would never charge a faithful follower of Allah!' The Muslim thanks him and leaves.

The next day, when the dentist gets into the office, he finds a basket full of new clothes waiting for him.

Then a Christian visits the dentist and has some work done. Afterwards, he asks the dentist what he owes him, and he says, 'Oh, no! Of course I wouldn't charge a faithful follower of Christ!!' He thanks him and leaves.

The next day, when the dentist arrives in his office, he finds a small casket full of precious gems at his doorstep.

A Jew visits the dentist for a checkup and a filling. When all is done, he asks the dentist what he owes him, and the dentist says, 'Oh, no, I would never charge a good Jew!' The Jew thanks the dentist and leaves.

The next day, when the dentist gets to his office, he finds……four other Jews waiting for him!

2007-01-28 06:23:53 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put

everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks



As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle

and told us that "Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be

landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just

put your trays up, that would be super."



On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked

you to raise your tray-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the

ground."



She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

Princess and I take orders from no one."



To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,





"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, *****."

2007-01-28 06:19:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

2007-01-28 06:18:58 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a young girl of Tonga
Used to diddle herself with a conga.
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels,
She said, "just like a man, only longer."

2007-01-28 06:09:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Punjabi(Indian), one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, 'Who killed Jesus Christ?' The Jewish man answered without hesitation 'The Romans killed him.' The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied 'Jesus was killed by the Jews.' Again, the chief

thanked the man who then left. Finally the Punjabi arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, 'Could I have some time to think about it?'

The chief said, 'OK, but get back to me tomorrow.'

When the Punjabi arrived home, his wife asked 'How did the interview go?' Pat came the reply, 'Great, I got the job! I'm already investigating a murder!"

2007-01-28 06:01:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-28 05:59:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

NO JOKE NO ONE KNOS IF IT MEANS CRAP IN THE TOILET OR CRAP I FORGOT SOMTHIN OR JUST PLAIN CRAP

2007-01-28 05:59:14 · 13 answers · asked by ~emo~elf~ 1

2007-01-28 05:58:14 · 8 answers · asked by shannon.moneyline 1

2007-01-28 05:54:55 · 6 answers · asked by Jenny 1

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

2007-01-28 05:51:28 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

open up my eager eyes

2007-01-28 05:44:06 · 12 answers · asked by Troubled Joe(the ghost of) 6

Can you help me answer this riddle? The riddle includes all of these letters A, I, R, T, A, O, F, M, N, and L in a different order. I know that A is the 6th letter, I is the 11th letter, and R is the 14th letter. But I don't know how many words there are in the anwer. The answer I have looks like this so far

_ _ _ _ _ _ A _ _ _ _ I _ _ R _

I'm guessing there will be at least two blanks because there are 16 spaces to put a letter but there are only 14 letters in the answer, and I don't think a letter can be used more than once. The answer is probably a pun. Can you help me find the anwer?

2007-01-28 05:40:22 · 4 answers · asked by zappo_niah 1

my dumbest one was ... (you walk up to some one and say) can i call you glad wrap (why?? they say) cause you stay fresh from head to toe. (stupid ehh??)

2007-01-28 05:37:19 · 11 answers · asked by Slim 2

Mary went to the police station and sed I have been raped by an irish man and the police man sed how did you now he was irish mary sed becuse I had to do all the work. was that funny?

2007-01-28 05:26:26 · 10 answers · asked by philip k 1

How is it that the professor could make walkie talkies out of coconuts...but he couldn't get the castaways off the island?

2007-01-28 05:19:28 · 7 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

mary had three boys all growing up wanting to be firemen and mary sed to them who wants eggs for brekfast and they sed meemar meemar meemar?

2007-01-28 05:17:53 · 14 answers · asked by philip k 1

cause i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-28 05:15:28 · 14 answers · asked by hayley d 2

Paolo was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Suddenly as he turned back, he noticed a vacant parking spot behind him, which wasn't there the last time he looked. Paolo said, "Oh, never mind! I found one."

2007-01-28 05:12:14 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-28 05:12:08 · 13 answers · asked by sup 5

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you
at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT-UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"



(I love this part. . . . .)



"Only when he's been drinking."

2007-01-28 05:05:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous