Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

What's the joke about this boy has a shower with his mum and asks what that is n she says its my washer n the cleaner is using the washer or something like that?? Dunno.

2007-01-27 10:21:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

..A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself a gator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Daggone it, this one ain't wearing any shoes either!"..

2007-01-27 10:19:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 10:17:02 · 12 answers · asked by Kelly S 1

I can fit the smallest mouse's mouth but not on the Titanic. Humans can eat me but cannot digest me. I shine bright in the dark and fade away in the light. Once lit on fire I remain that way forever. What am I?

2007-01-27 10:14:37 · 16 answers · asked by call the owls 4

WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

BEER
We do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine,or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop
BEER = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK BEER
It is better to drink beer and talk **** than it is to drink water and be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.

2007-01-27 10:09:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 10:06:56 · 11 answers · asked by taharniegsi 4

A man sitting at the bar is in a drunken stuper informs the bartender, '' i'm going to da bafrum".

couple minutes pass and the bartender hears screams from the bathroom, dismisses it. couple minutes later another yelp and scream. He decides to go have a look. Walks into the bathroom, and the drunk guy is sitting there and says, '' what the hell is wong wif this toilet" everytime I flush the thing, sumthin grabs my balls " . Bartender replies. " your sitting on the mopbucket".

2007-01-27 10:05:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

First part: What is the probability that at least two of N randomly selected people have the same birthday? (Same month and day, but not necessarily the same year.)

Second part: How large must N be so that the probability is greater than 50 percent?





Assume these:

-Nobody was born on February 29.
-People's birthdays are equally distributed over the other 365 days of the year.

2007-01-27 10:00:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 09:56:11 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding. Officer: May i see your licence? Lady: what does it look like? Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it. The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

2007-01-27 09:47:41 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I don’t know." St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?" Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

I did not make up this joke FYI..

2007-01-27 09:43:50 · 13 answers · asked by Lithium 2

it goes something like this, does anyone know the whole joke?
some guy likes this lady but she has a daughter and she says you can only date me if you look after my daughter tonight and then the guy says he will and hes in the shower and the girl asks if she can come in and the guys like no way and she says, i'll tell mummy and so he says ok then she asks about his u no what and he gives it a name, and then hes in bed and the girl does the same thing and sks if she can come in or she'll tell mummy and then she ask about his you no what again and yeah.. then i forgot the rest, does anyone know it?

2007-01-27 09:35:01 · 3 answers · asked by b.girl 1

How many fleas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2007-01-27 09:32:55 · 8 answers · asked by Curly 3

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars." The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
------

What do you think?

2007-01-27 09:23:35 · 22 answers · asked by past praying for 3

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

"Can I borrow your dog?"

"Get in line." replied the man.

2007-01-27 09:22:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am soooo bored i can't go anywhere cuz my mom has no wind sheild wipers and it is raining what can i do and my friends went to hammond for a basketball game i can i do i have nothing to do

2007-01-27 09:03:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

2007-01-27 09:01:21 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

2007-01-27 08:38:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

2007-01-27 08:35:53 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Having trouble mate " he said, yeah I was caught in gunfire during the war it blew holes right through it , The other man felt sorry for him and said "My brother could help you" How the old soldier asked is he a doctor, No the man said he plays a piccalo he can show you how to hold it!!!

2007-01-27 08:30:14 · 12 answers · asked by Chris 5

Ok, now before I begin, this might have one of two results; You'll either go "XD OMG THAT IS SO F***IN FUNNY!!!!!" Or "AAAGH! NO!!! *puuuke*". Most likely the first one. Last night I had some very strange dreams, Mostly epic. But one, I was kissing this beautiful girl, and it felt like I was really kissing her. Now--FREEZE FRAME! You might be wondering "What's so bad about that?" or "I wish I had dreams like that..." or even "He is so HOTT!!!" Well, maybe none of that last one... Anyway, just read on. UNFREEZE! --I thought it was a real cool dream up until just the middle of the day. I sure hope it wasn't this, but... My dog sleeps with me in my room. I close the door, and she has to wake me up in the morning when she needs to go outside. So, I think she was licking me in the face trying to wake me up, but I slept through it. I've gargled with every mouthwash I can find since that realization. I really hope it was just a nice dream.

2007-01-27 08:28:40 · 14 answers · asked by Tiger Dude 2

novice nun , pain in her tummy ,doctor callled ::: she"s pregnant he tells the mother superior !! no way ! leave it with me she says:
the doc leaves . now my dear you have only had your mother and father visit you in the last 3 years , is that correct ???
oh yes , ohh and father shaunasy ::: really when did he visit ??
oh lots , at about 8pm , he said he could get me into heaven !!!
heaven how said the mother superior ? well he showed me his key and said if he inserted it into my heaven lock it would happen !!
where did he say your heaven lock was ????
the little bit of me thats growing hairs now !!!
the bast@rd (says the mother superior) he told me that was gabriels horn !!! i"ve been blowing it for the last 10 yrs

2007-01-27 08:27:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 08:23:10 · 10 answers · asked by kaybeejomsum 2

The band started skipping!!

2007-01-27 08:19:19 · 5 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

paddy an mick both go for a change in job carear and go for a job interveiw to be computer enginers first mick goes in an is asked what job he has done before he replys i was one a pileit and the boss says striaght away u have the job next it is paddy to go in so he asked mick what he said and he told him that he said he was a pileit so paddy is called in an the boss asked him what job he had done and he replyed a peat cutter to this the boss said sorry youve not got the job furious paddy says you gave mick a job yes says the boss but he was once a pileit so paddy said well if i didnt cut it he couldnt pileit

2007-01-27 08:16:31 · 17 answers · asked by hondabw5 1

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

2007-01-27 08:11:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 08:10:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog cut in half!!

2007-01-27 08:10:09 · 9 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

A dog cut in half!!

2007-01-27 08:08:33 · 7 answers · asked by JUSTASKING 1

A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine. He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district. After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. "This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered."

Watching from the bar, an old drunk comes up to the table with a glass in his hand and says, "Can you tell me what this is?"

Winking at his date, the young man sips from the drunk's glass.

"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaims, spitting it out.

"Yeah," says the drunk, "but what year?"

2007-01-27 08:05:21 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous