Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-27 03:19:40 · 6 answers · asked by saurabh 1

A young husband wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary so he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, and she loves her phone. He explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi hun ", he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love it , it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand".

"What's that, baby?", asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at K Mart?"

2007-01-27 03:16:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 03:15:38 · 5 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

There were 3 guys talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the way they controlled their wives, while the third guy remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees! '

The first two guys were amazed. 'Well..... What happened next?' they asked.

'Well she said.... 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN !!!'.

2007-01-27 03:15:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old rednecks Bubba and Cooter are a sittin' in a boat at their favorite bass hole, fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bubba says, "Ya know, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Cooter sips his beer for a moment and says, "If I were you, I would think it over very carefully - women like that are damn hard to find."

2007-01-27 03:13:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed and can hardly wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."

The man jumps up grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says, "Pa, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."

"Dangit son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"

2007-01-27 03:10:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

IT IS A JOKE,NOTHING SCIENTIFIC

2007-01-27 02:52:56 · 25 answers · asked by blueeyesrmine 2

A blind man waiting to cross the street has a seeing eye dog. Suddenly, the dogs lifts his leg up and starts peeing on the man's pants.

The man then gets a doggy treat out of his pocket, and gives it to the dog.

A woman watching this comes up to the blind man and says "Excuse me sir, but are you aware that your dog just pissed all over your pants?"

The man replies, "Yes I noticed"

Woman says, "Pardon me for saying but do you think he will learn to stop if you keep rewarding him with treats everytime he does so?"

Then the man says:

"Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just feeding him so I know where his face is so I can kick his As-s"

2007-01-27 02:40:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 2 men that got in a fight in a bar and lost. they got kicked out and were drunk. They saw a dog on the corner of the street licking its nuts, the first man said "i wish i could do that", the second one said "i think i'd pet him first.

2007-01-27 02:32:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

suddenly a disgruntled Geni appears and tells the man he can have one wish.
The man thinks and says "ok, I can't stand to fly could you build a bridge from LA to Hawaii because I've always wanted to go but I don't like to fly"
The Geni tells the man that his request is way to difficlult and he would have to ask for something else.
After a few more minutes of thinking the man says "well, my wife and I are going through a rough time can you help me to understand women?"
The Geni says "understand women huh?...do you want one lanes or two?"

2007-01-27 02:24:21 · 7 answers · asked by Colonel 6

A man enters a bar in Alaska and tells the bartender that he wants to become an eskimo warrior.

Bartender says, "You must complete 3 tasks"

"1. You must drink a whole bottle of whiskey in 1 shot
2. You must wrestle a giant polar bear, and
3. You must make love to an eskimo woman"

Without hesitation, the man grabs a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all to the last drop in 1 shot, then storms out looking for a giant polar bear.

While outside, the bartender hears scratching and a bear groaning and moaning in pain. Then, silence.

Finally the man enters the bar with scratches on his jacket and pants.

Then he says:

"Ok. Now where is that eskimo lady that I am suppose to wrestle?"

2007-01-27 02:23:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 02:17:53 · 11 answers · asked by vrinda a 1

2 priests go to the Philippine islands to chill under the hot sun at the beach. But first they decide to go buy tropical clothes to keep their identity secret.

While lying on the beach, a hot woman in a bikini passes by and they can't help but look.

Then the woman says "Hello father Tom, hello father John"

Surprised and confused, the two priests wondered how the hot woman found out they were priests. They go back to the tropical store and buy new different clothes.

Again, Hot woman passes by, and says "Hello father Tom, hello father John"

Irratated and confused, the 2 priests go back to the shop to get completely unrelated to the church kinda clothings and then went back to the beach.

Again hot woman in bikini passes and says "Hello father Tom, hello father John"

Finally the priests ask the woman "Excuse me miss, how did you know that we are priests?"

The woman replies:

"Don't you recognize me father? It's me, sister Anna"

2007-01-27 02:04:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.


After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:


a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.^


When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,

but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......


Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"

2007-01-27 01:51:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

walk around til ya get pooped out.

2007-01-27 01:47:55 · 7 answers · asked by bizeyman 2

atmosfear

2007-01-27 01:46:38 · 6 answers · asked by bizeyman 2

After a life time of celibacy, the pope could
stand no more. Sneaking into a secluded corner
of the vatican, the pontiff raised his cassock,
begged forgivness and manually relieved himself
of decades worth of frustration.
Then he was interrupted by the familiar sound of
photos being taken...the pope froze in horror as
he faced a Japanese tourist snapping one picture
after another of his unholy act......
"my child," the catholic leader pleaded, "I will
give you this pinky ring worth $5000 in exchange
for that camera!"
They made an even trade. "What a relief" the pope
thought as he returned to his chambers. On the
way he ran into one of his chief Cardinals.
"Nice camera",the priest commented.
"It ought to be,"the Pope declared."I just paid
$5000 for it."
"Boy," his associate exclaimed, "whoever sold you
that thing must have seen YOU coming

2007-01-27 01:43:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks in a bar with an alligator. He yells, "If I put my genitals in this alligators mouth for 1 whole minute and take it out without a scratch, I want everyone in here to buy me a round of beer"

Crowd cheers with approval. So the man gets a bottle, bangs it on the head of the alligator.

The alligator opens his mouth, man puts his genitals inside, then the alligator closes his mouth.

1 minute later, he bangs the alligator on the head again, alligator opens his mouth, man removes his genitals without a scratch.

Crowd cheers in amazement and buys him a beer. Then the man said, "Now I will give anyone here $100 brave enough to give this a try"

Suddenly, from the middle of the croud a young blonde lady raises her hand. and says:

"Ok I'll try. But you have to promise me you won't bang me on the head with a bottle"

2007-01-27 01:31:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

How does a blonde switch the light on after sex?



A- She opens the car door

2007-01-27 01:28:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a man that is smart, sensitive, and good looking?

A rumor!

2007-01-27 01:23:24 · 13 answers · asked by Lori 4

Pregnant Girl

One day a young woman went to see her doctor who had
to share the news with her that she was indeed pregnant.

The doctor then says to the 16 year old, "Young lady
do you have any idea who the father of your child might
be?"

The young woman replies, "Doctor its like this.... if
you eat a can of beans, do you know which one made you
fart?"

2007-01-27 01:20:07 · 9 answers · asked by mongo862001 5

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood
and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with
experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked,
"What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries
old,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not
ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...
you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not
be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy
said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The
agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my
name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I
refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you
said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too
much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I
would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

**** van Dyke

2007-01-27 01:18:59 · 17 answers · asked by untanuta 5

I just woke up and was having coffee, when I remembered my dream from last night, I was at a long table with lots of people drinking fancy drinks, the only person I knew at the table was my mother, I was drinking this big fancy drink which I knew was fruit punch, and everyone else was drinking alchol. My drink was pink, with pretty lily in the bottom, a real lily from a pond, as I got closer to the bottom of the drink I noticed something moving in it, I looked closer and it was a green toad, he was little and I was not grossed out by it, I kept drinking and the toad would end up in my mouth and I would carefully take him out of my mouth and put him back in my drink, I was telling people to look at the toad, but know body would pay attention or acknowledge the toad, then this one woman got really mad at me because she thought I was trying to pick up her husband. through the dream I took care of the toad - strange????

2007-01-27 01:04:31 · 10 answers · asked by miss 2

A man was riding in a full packed bus and had to fart really bad.

He thought since the music was loud, maybe no one would notice. So he takes a look around and then lets 1 rip.

"PROOOOOOOT" Some people looked but no one seemed to notice.

Relieved, though he had to go again. takes a look around then lets it rip.

"PROOOOOOOOT" Again, no one seemed to notice

Relieved, but again, he had to let a 3rd one out. Takes a look around and then,

"PROOOOOOOOT"

Finally, the guy next to him says:

"Hey man, can you please stop farting and lower your headphones?"

2007-01-27 00:55:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.

Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon.

When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

2007-01-27 00:51:51 · 11 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

2007-01-27 00:50:59 · 10 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

waiting for their pilot and co pilot to arrive. eventually the door at the back of the plane opens and these two men in navy uniforms enter. they walk up the length of the plane, one of them tapping a white stick in front of him, the other being led by a guidedog. the nervous passengers look at each other muttering this has to be a prank etc. but the two men enter the cockpit and the passengers hear the engines starting and next thing they know they are taxiing on to the runway. the plane picks up speed to prepare for take off. the passengers in the window seats suddenly notice the plane is heading straight for a large stretch of water at the side of the runway. everybody screams and then the plane gently lifts off and everything is normal. meanwhile in the cockpit one man says to the other "you know jim one of these days theyll scream too late and we'll all die!"

2007-01-27 00:32:35 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 00:27:06 · 12 answers · asked by georgian p 1

dere is 3 man living in d same room, 1 is blind, secound is deaf, d thrid one is disable, one day d disable croow out 2 find wat dey will eat, imedatile d disable left d theef jump in 2 d room and carry d blind man but d deaf man is looking at dem he can not has dem were are u taking him too, wen d disable man got home he notes dat d blind man is missing he as from d deaf no respound d disable started beaten d deaf can not talk, pls tell me wat is daef and blind and disable ?

2007-01-27 00:12:57 · 12 answers · asked by saheed a 1

A stranger goes into a bar. Sits down next to a local who orders a shot gets up,goes upstairs,jumps off the balcony, and after a moment comes right back in the door, After a few times doing this the local says to the stranger, "This here's magical whiskey. I bet you I can jump off of the 2nd floor, and not get hurt. If I survive you buy my next drink". the stranger agrees, so the local goes up to the balcony jumps off and after a minute walks right back in the front door. Amazed the guy buys his drink. " I gotta try that stuff says the stranger." He buys a shot, jumps off the balcony and falls to his death. The bartender shakes his head and says" you know Superman you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

2007-01-27 00:09:09 · 13 answers · asked by ILLput MY idONlaterWITHxox 1