Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-26 17:16:44 · 8 answers · asked by Whitewing 1

A man walked into a Texas bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's patute I've ever seen."

Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Laura Bush appeared on the TV.

"Nope, I was wrong. She's the biggest horse's patute I've ever seen," he said.

A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool again.

"Darnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country."

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

2007-01-26 17:05:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

They don't match... What happened to it?

2007-01-26 17:03:24 · 12 answers · asked by snatza 2

There was a man that lived on the 13th floor of an apartment building, every week day he goes to work, hops in the elevator and presses ground floor button arrives at the ground level and goes to work.
After he finishes work he goes back to the apartment building and sometimes he uses the elevator and sometimes he has to use the stairs. Why would he be only able to use the elevator sometimes?

2007-01-26 16:45:54 · 14 answers · asked by Bev J 2

tell me how u likem, youll only get it if your a musican.

How can you tell there is a drummer at your door?





He'll start to slow down!


What is a guitarist with out a girl friend?




Homeless!


one more for the geek like me, all be suprised if anyone gets this:

One day, silver and gold are hanging out at the bar, then helium comes and says: Au! (as in hay you)

more music ones

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer

thats all fro now!

2007-01-26 16:26:05 · 6 answers · asked by silentpanda,quickbunny 3

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

2007-01-26 16:22:44 · 14 answers · asked by TE 5

2007-01-26 16:17:07 · 12 answers · asked by your wonderwall 5

I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe

2007-01-26 16:12:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm waiting!

2007-01-26 15:58:46 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-26 15:54:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is a really hard one ok........ there is a detective and he goes to investigate a suicide case.... well he goes to the house and he see's a guy hanging from the fan... and the floor is wet..... there is no fruniture in the room at all... nothing except for the man the walls and ceiling . and the fan + water on the floor. how did this guy kill himslef..... he did kill himself people.. but how did he......


also he cant jump high ebought to attaach the rope to the fan. fyi: the room was very hot...

2007-01-26 15:52:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk.

2007-01-26 15:41:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A black man was walking down the street and found a lantern. He rubbed it and out popped a Geeny. The Geeny said he could have 3 wishes. So the black man said
1. i wanna be white
2. i wanna be tall and thin
3. i wanna be surrounded by pussi.
The geeny said ABRA-KA-DABRA & turned him into a 'Tampon'

2007-01-26 15:39:46 · 55 answers · asked by Anonymous

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.



They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.



Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.



Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.



We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.



We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.



We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.



No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

2007-01-26 15:26:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 girls who were about to be shot by a firing squad. They were a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. The first to be shot was the red head. they readied to shoot her, "Ready........aim......"
Then she suddenly cried "Tornado!" The squad ran and she escaped.

The brunette was next, so the process was repeated. "Ready.......aim......."
"Hurricane!" she yelled. They squad ran again and the brunette also escaped.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. "Ready... aim......"
She said, "Fire!"

2007-01-26 15:08:25 · 34 answers · asked by Rascal_Flatts_Fanatic! 2

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream everynight, so she went to a doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

Blonde: It said "Pull"

2007-01-26 15:01:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

explain why.

2007-01-26 14:58:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a man from Yahoo..?

2007-01-26 14:55:38 · 15 answers · asked by Please! 3

if you're american outside the bathroom, what are you inside??




Europeian

2007-01-26 14:49:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Crime scene: In a condo unit, there's a dead man with a gun in one of his hands and a recorder on the other. A gunshot through his head. No sign of violence.

The detective in charge took the recorder and played it.

"I'm tired of my life, I wanna die."

The detective asked the dead man's room mate

"Is this his voice?"

The room mate replied "Yes"

Then the detective said

"We must find the murderer"

Question: How did the detective know it's a murder and not a suicide?

2007-01-26 14:48:58 · 18 answers · asked by Mikhail 1

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

2007-01-26 14:44:53 · 17 answers · asked by AFI Obsessed Girl 3

"She sells seashells by the sea side" . How many s's are in that?

2007-01-26 14:35:19 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two muffins are in a running microwave. One muffin turns to the other and says "it's getting hot in here". The other muffins says "holy sh!t, a talking muffin!".

2007-01-26 14:34:16 · 3 answers · asked by Richard Cranium 3

2007-01-26 14:33:55 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 6-foot tall Magician had a water glass and was holding the glass above his head. He let it drop to the carpet without spilling a single drop of water.

How could he manage to drop the glass from a height of six feet and not spill a drop of water?

2007-01-26 14:32:10 · 12 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

2007-01-26 14:27:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, you're a bus driver....7 people get on, then 3 get off, then another 2 get on, then 4 get off, then 12 get on, then 5 get off, then 9 get on, then 3 get off, then 6 get on and 4 get off. You got all that?? Ok, What is the bus drivers name?

2007-01-26 14:12:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Where's my tractor?
Isn't that just stupid or what?

2007-01-26 14:10:24 · 35 answers · asked by Linden W 2

i once lived in a one leveled house. EVERYTHING was green. the food was green, the carpet was green, the couch was green, the water was green, the air i breathed was green.... what color was the stairs

2007-01-26 14:08:25 · 20 answers · asked by JUDI 3

2007-01-26 14:07:15 · 9 answers · asked by joe e 1