Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-26 11:57:11 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-26 11:54:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear Michael Jackson is broke? Yeah, he had to use his ToysRUs Card to bail himself out of jail the last time!
Did you hear Michael Jackson has a new endorsement? He switched from Pepsi to SQUIRT!
Do you know what another name for the King of Pop is? A kind,generous, caring nice white woman with dark hair.

2007-01-26 11:54:13 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

just a riddel

2007-01-26 11:50:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 Women are on the elevator leading to the OB-GYN's office. Each are pregnant. One is a blonde, one a brunette, and one is a red head. The brunette says "I'm having a boy how about you?" The blonde says "I don't know how can you tell?" The brunette says "it depends on the position you were in when you conceived, I was in missionary so mine is a boy." The red head says 'well I was on top so mine must be a girl". The blonde breaks down and begins sobbing and the other girls ask her what is wrong she say "im having puppies!!!!"

2007-01-26 11:50:01 · 6 answers · asked by misskenzie12 2

A pastor gets up one Sunday morning and notices that the weather is perfect for golf. So he calls in sick to work and heads to the golf course several counties away, so no one will recognize him. God and an angel are sitting around talking about this as he prepares to tee off. The angel asks God, "Are you going to strike him with lightning?" God says "no" The angel asks, "Make him lose all his balls?" God says "no, watch this" At point the pastor hits the ball and its a perfect Hole-in-One! The angel asked God "Why would you do that?" God replys "Whose he gonna tell about it?"

2007-01-26 11:30:46 · 24 answers · asked by misskenzie12 2

This woman is standing by a bus stop when a gust of wind blows up her skirt , this englishman next to her says "a bit airy isn't it" and she says "what were you expecting feathers

2007-01-26 11:28:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2007-01-26 11:26:03 · 17 answers · asked by scott d 1

Ok, well I'm stump on this one riddle. I have no idea if it's scrambled or in a different language or what. Any help would be appreciated. The riddle is: -Duo^i Cho^`n

2007-01-26 11:23:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.

The average person only gets 7 correct.
This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see!

There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right?

No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!


Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.


REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...


Here we go!



1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?


10 . Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?


11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?


15 How many sides does a stop sign have?


16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?


18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?


19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?


22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

Scroll down to get your answers......

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


ANSWERS

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 1, 0

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
RIGHT

7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT

14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT

15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL

20. How many h ot dog buns are in a standard package? 8

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the o peni ng between the slats? LEFT

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? *, #

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER

2007-01-26 11:23:40 · 66 answers · asked by ♥femme fatale♥ 2

Does anyone know a funny googlewack? i found one but its not funny; black snowshifter.

a googlewack is 2 words u type in a goole search and u need to come up with one search result.

2007-01-26 11:14:38 · 3 answers · asked by star42430 5

2007-01-26 11:10:35 · 6 answers · asked by Help me 3

2007-01-26 11:08:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy answers his doorbell one day and there's a turtle sitting on the front step. The turtle looks up and says "Hey buddy, you're wife's a whore!" So the guy rears back and he kicks the turtle just as hard and far as he can. About a year to the day later, the doorbell rings again. The guy looks down and sees the very same turtle, who says "What'd you do that for?"

2007-01-26 11:00:13 · 4 answers · asked by Commander 3

2007-01-26 10:58:38 · 9 answers · asked by samy 1

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO
EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO
HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY
BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR
HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF
$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2007-01-26 10:58:15 · 12 answers · asked by xkpizzelx 1

Find the error. It's impossible!
(This one went right over my head!)
A A
B B
C C
D D
E E
F F
G G
H H
I I
J J
K K
L L
M M
N N
O O
P P
Q Q
R R
S S
T T
U U
V V
W W
X X
Y Y
Z Z

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?

2007-01-26 10:51:48 · 49 answers · asked by littlesisnaka 1

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing
Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
Biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which
One
Is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and
The
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's
Is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.
Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
With
him."

2007-01-26 10:46:48 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

where did he go to do the toilet?

in his beeda beeeda beeeda (wots up buck)

2007-01-26 10:40:06 · 18 answers · asked by bruce c 1

...One sunday afternoon a bartender is closing up shop for the day...he suddently hears a soft knock at the door...he opens up the front door looks around and see’s nothing...he glances down and see’s a snail standing there with a napsack...the snail say’s "hey man i’ve had a rough couple of days...Can I get a beer?" The bartender says..."no i’m sorry, we don’t serve snails here and besides....i’m closin’ up for the day." He shut’s the door and goes back to work.

The following day the bartender hears a familiar knock at the door...he opens the front door and looks down...sure enough there’s the snail again..."Can I get a beer?" the snail asks..."I told you no! we don’t serve snails here!" says the bartender and closes the door.

The day after he hears that same knock...the bartender is furious! He throws down his dish rag...storm’s to the door...and throws it open...looks down and says "what do you want!!??" The snail says "Hey man can I please have a...." and before he can fini

2007-01-26 10:33:04 · 18 answers · asked by ? 1

Ok... Once upon a day their was a man and a genie and the genie says "what ever you wish for your wife will get double" and the man replied saying " hmmm.... ok i want a New CAR and a new HOUSE!" and teh genie says ok you have one more wish what is it? and the man says " i wnat to get beaten HALF to death!" so the man got beaten HALF to death and whats a half+half=Whole= whole death! Lol 1=Rubbish! 10=Hilarious

2007-01-26 10:24:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I'm used, I'm useless, once offered, soon rejected. In desperation oft expressed, the intended not protected. What am I?

2007-01-26 10:21:15 · 7 answers · asked by ? 1

It's so cold that Ricki Lake froze over and Rosie O'Donnell got her tongue stuck.

2007-01-26 10:16:58 · 6 answers · asked by Commander 3

"If I don't do something soon, our marriage is doomed," says Bill.

"What is it then? the eternal triangle?" says his mate Tom.

"Yeah," Bill nodded sadly.

"Listen Bill,"says Tom. "I had that problem once but we managed to get back on track."

"Really, what did you do?"

"We ate the sheep."

2007-01-26 10:16:42 · 10 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark!?!"

2007-01-26 10:13:09 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

2007-01-26 10:11:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-26 10:05:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

2007-01-26 10:05:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

2007-01-26 09:59:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A daughter is worrying about how her dad is liking the nursing home he has had to go to. She sneaks in and hides behind an artificial tree to watch him secretly. She finds him sitting in a wheel chair in the lobby with a blanket over his lap. Soon he starts to lean over to the left which scares the daughter. She is about to run and help when an aid walks up and gently pushes her dad back up straight and pats him on the head with a smile. Soon her dad starts to lean to the right. Sure enough an aid runs up quickly and gently pushes him back upright again with the greatest of care and pats him lovingly on the head.

The daughter feels so much better now. She knows she's chosen the right nursing home. So she comes out from behind the tree and walks up to her father. She says, "Hello dad. It's me. I came to see you. How do you like your new home?"

The dad looks up at her and grumbles, "Humph! I HATE it. They won't let you fart around here!"

2007-01-26 09:55:08 · 1 answers · asked by yagman 7