Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"

2007-01-26 09:54:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I keep getting emails with :P and :D and I don't know what that means, any help??

2007-01-26 09:53:46 · 14 answers · asked by LittleBitOfSugar 5

2007-01-26 09:49:10 · 28 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

2007-01-26 09:48:55 · 22 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

A Mafia boss arrives home early from work to find his wife in bed with one of his bodyguards.
"You no good mother f***er," he yells. "I'm gonna shoot your bo**ocks off!"
"Oh give me a chance...please give me a chance," pleads the desparate bodyguard.
"Ok," says the boss, "swing em."

2007-01-26 09:48:15 · 7 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

2007-01-26 09:44:41 · 10 answers · asked by boytrev 1

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

2007-01-26 09:38:28 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

2007-01-26 09:35:39 · 16 answers · asked by malejocelyn 2

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

2007-01-26 09:28:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

possible?

2007-01-26 09:22:50 · 37 answers · asked by steven 2

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

2007-01-26 09:22:47 · 15 answers · asked by luna.moonprincess 2

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason.
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're not ready for them.
b. When you're ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.

2007-01-26 09:20:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHICH ONE OF THESE WORDS IS THE ODD ONE OUT?

OPEN
DELIGHTFUL
UNCLE
ASPHALT

2007-01-26 09:18:15 · 26 answers · asked by jusme 1

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. "Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?!!!"

2007-01-26 09:12:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-26 09:07:18 · 4 answers · asked by Tammers 4

made me think....so starting from tomorrow I am giving up...................reading

2007-01-26 09:02:30 · 11 answers · asked by snuffylover4 2

If john takes 3 hours to paint a house and peter 5 hours to paint the same house, how long will they take to paint the same the house if they do it together?

2007-01-26 08:59:09 · 22 answers · asked by South Florida 3

just wanting to know

2007-01-26 08:58:17 · 10 answers · asked by michon h 2

What is the Question?

2007-01-26 08:52:04 · 15 answers · asked by LiL EarlE 2

There was once a wise old man.
There was a great big hurricane one day, and all of NY city was flooding.

Everyone was safe except the wise old man. A raft came to him on the first floor window. The rescuers said "Get in, we're here to help you!" The old man simply replied: "My god will save me."

The water rose. One the second floor, a submarine came to him at the window. "Get in, we're here to help you." But still, the old man simply stated "My god will save me!"

On the roof because the water was so high, a helicopter came to him. "Get in dammit, we're helpin you." But the man refused, with his famous words: "MY GOD WILL SAVE ME!!!!!"

He died.

When he went to heaven, he met god. He asked god:
"Why didn't you save me, my god?"

God,shocked, answered him angrily.

"Stupid man! I sent you a raft, a sub and a dam helicopter!!!"

***Thank you, good night!***

2007-01-26 08:48:41 · 13 answers · asked by gamer92 2

what did the german say to his cest your under a vest

2007-01-26 08:42:45 · 17 answers · asked by diane b 1

..........read part 1 first titled "Corridor of Clocks".

.... Mark: "Oh".

So the two continued to browse among the clocks, laughing and sometimes shocked. (You should've seen Mark's grandma's clock. HA!)

At the end of the hallway, the great light and beach could be seen among clouds and love.

Mark: "Oh my god!"

God: "Yes?"

Mark: "Is that heaven?"

God: "Yep."

Mark: "Hey god?"

God: "What?"

Mark: "Back there in the corridor, I didn't see George W. Bush's clock!"

God: "Oh yes, how silly of me. Mr. Bush's clock is in there, all right... we use it as the ceiling fan!"




THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT!

2007-01-26 08:39:30 · 5 answers · asked by gamer92 2

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad

bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The
son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother

replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to
get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady

next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."



lol, i thought it was funny and wrong..lol

2007-01-26 08:38:20 · 9 answers · asked by NikoleUniQue 2

how do you catch a cloud then pin it down?

2007-01-26 08:23:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either

2007-01-26 08:16:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Closest person to get this will get the 10 pts. Baffled my missis ha! x

2007-01-26 08:14:59 · 10 answers · asked by chris c 3

2007-01-26 08:09:50 · 3 answers · asked by thesunshineking 2

2007-01-26 08:00:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?

2007-01-26 07:57:41 · 8 answers · asked by limallama 4

2007-01-26 07:56:00 · 16 answers · asked by ♥PinkIce♥ 5