Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

How do you know it was a wisconson "cheesehead" that invented the toothbrush??


Because if it was anyone else they would have called it a teeth brush!!

2007-01-26 07:50:12 · 6 answers · asked by Mike S 2

can u ppl plz report this idiot .
i hv reported him a few times ,we hv 2 put a stop on him he is bang out of order

thanx

2007-01-26 07:48:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Really does it?

2007-01-26 07:45:59 · 32 answers · asked by rydoggg22 2

A lawyer is conducting a defence of his client on a murder charge. The case is going well for him, the evidence is sketchy, what there is of it, and his client has the innocent look of a handsome young man.

Unfortunately, this lawyer never knows when to realise he is ahead, and likes the sound of his own voice a bit too much, he is also cocky and far too clever.

Nearing the end when his largely sympathetic listeners in the jury have already decided to return a not guilty verdict he says,

"And furthermore, I have learned in the last few minutes that no murder was committed, indeed, within ten seconds, you will see that the victim is in fact alive! He will walk through that door - " and with a dramatic gesture, indicates the main door of the courtroom.

All eyes of the jury, in fact the whole courtroom, including the startled (and none too pleased) judge, swivel in that direction and a tense silence ensues.

Of course, nothing happens and the lawyer, tickled to bits by his own cleverness says,

"Well, there you are ladies and gentlemen, so flimsy is this case, that all of you believed the victim was alive and well. On such sketchiness, lack of evidence and your own intuition, I leave it to you to decide the only verdict possible, that is, my client is not guilty." and smug as hell he sits down.

The jury retire and when they return the deliver a unanimous verdict - GUILTY!

The lawyer is aghast and furious, he runs after the foreman after the sentence is passed.

"Wait up! All of you were convinced he was innocent - after all, every one of you turned to look at the door!"

"Yes," said the foreman, "all of us were convinced he was innocent. But not everyone looked at the door. One of us was looking at the accused - and he WASN'T looking at the door!"

2007-01-26 07:38:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very religious muslim dies and goes to heaven. He is excited because all his life he waited to meet Mohamed. At the Pearly Gates he runs into a bearded guy. Very excited he says: Mohamed?, and the man replies: "No my son I'm Peter, Mohamed is higher." Hopefully he climbs and he meets another bearded guy and he asks Mohamed?, and the man answers: "I'm Moses, Mohamed is higher". Again he meets a bearded guy and says: Mohamed? and the man answers: "No I'm Jesus. Mohamed is higher". The muslim leaves thinking that he has the final proof that muslims religion is superior to christianity, and keeps climbing. He meets another bearded guy and asks: Mohamed? the answer is: "No my son. I'm God. But you really look tired - want a cup of coffee? To be frank with you I'd expected you to present yourself Allah, but still I hoped I'd find Mohamed. "Oh, but Mohamed is here, on the same level as I", and turning he claps his hands and says - "Mohamed two coffees quickly"

2007-01-26 07:38:07 · 5 answers · asked by Mirela B 2

2007-01-26 07:34:17 · 12 answers · asked by cg 2

2007-01-26 07:31:58 · 10 answers · asked by Bunts 6

if u could choose your skin what would you have,little boy says i would have skin of gold!! then i could peel some off and buy a b.m.w...other lad says i would have skin of platignum...then i could peel some off and buy a ferrari....little jonny pipes up and says, i would have skin of pubic hair!! my sisters got a tiny patch,, and you should see the f**kin cars outside my house!!

2007-01-26 07:25:35 · 25 answers · asked by caesar 3

A snail walks into a bar on Christmas Eve and asks the barman for a pint. The barman says
'Sorry mate, we don't serve snails in here' and then picks up the snail and drop kicks him out of the door.
The following year, the snail returns and ask the barman 'What on earth did you do that for?'

2007-01-26 07:25:29 · 31 answers · asked by fozz89 3

A boyscout, a priest and Jesse Jackson are flying in a small plane when it begins experiencing engine trouble. The pilot hollers to the back that we need to bail out. Problem is we only have 3 parachutes. He jumps up, grabs a parachute and says "I have to live - I have to report what happened to the plane" and out he jumps. Jesse Jackson says " I am the smartest black man in the world so I have to live", jumps up, grabs a parachute and jumps out. The priest looks at the boyscout and says "You are just a young boy and have your whole life ahead. I am an old man and have lived a full life. You take the last parachute. The boyscout says "Why we both will live". The priest says "How can that be?"
The boyscout replies "Because the smartest black in the world just jumped out with my backpack".

2007-01-26 07:25:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

2007-01-26 07:23:46 · 24 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

ukrainian woman bumps into the entire chelsea football squad in a night club. she approaches terry and asks for his autograph. she takes out her left t*t which he signs. she then asks drogba for his autograph, takes out her right t*t which he signs. she then asks mourino for his autograph, drops her knickers and presents her fanny to him,to which he then said," f*ck off. the last time i signed a ukrainian c*nt it cost me 30 million".

2007-01-26 07:16:12 · 5 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

on viagra?

2007-01-26 07:13:55 · 14 answers · asked by madmum 3

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married
she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her
honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love,
stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a
big fart.
She looked up and said:
"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud."

2007-01-26 07:13:22 · 3 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

2007-01-26 07:12:13 · 13 answers · asked by Bunts 6

At a whale-weigh station.

2007-01-26 07:09:57 · 12 answers · asked by Bunts 6

2007-01-26 07:04:37 · 4 answers · asked by waffle 1

An African refugee is given a council house .He is overwhelmed by the generosity of the British so decides to take a walk around neighbouring streets to introduce himself and thank British people for being so kind to him.Six hours later he returns to new house and tells his Asian neighbour he met people from 83 countries and not 1 Brit."Oh no , you won`t see any of them says the Asian "those daft cnts will all be at work !"

2007-01-26 06:57:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !!

2007-01-26 06:49:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

2007-01-26 06:47:29 · 27 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Because he has small legs!

2007-01-26 06:45:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-26 06:41:35 · 25 answers · asked by christopherslingsby 1

2007-01-26 06:38:22 · 22 answers · asked by Chris 5

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married
she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her
honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love,
stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a
big fart.
She looked up and said:
"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud."

2007-01-26 06:38:07 · 2 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

2007-01-26 06:31:05 · 37 answers · asked by Tink 5

Why are the words 'priceless' and 'worthless' antonyms?

2007-01-26 06:15:12 · 15 answers · asked by Maverick 6

can you please tell me some really funny jokes (LMFAO stuff)... i don't care how long they are or if they are dirty.... i need a good laugh... the best one gets 10, well 12 points if you count the 2 for answering

2007-01-26 06:05:04 · 10 answers · asked by girl_of_your_dreams_1331 4

is it bacause noddy wont pay the ransom

2007-01-26 06:02:13 · 19 answers · asked by smart arse 2

The gorilla hands him the beer and, thinking the guy's never been to a gorrila bar before, says: "That's be 500 bananas."

The bartender thinks that's a little high, but he's thirsty, and whips the bananas out of his back pocket and pays.

The gorrilla says: "You kown, we don't get many bartenders here."

The bartender says: Well, at 500 bananas, I would think not. The gorrila bar down the street only charges 400. But, I'm thristy, and it's closed for renovation."

2007-01-26 05:54:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde sees a horse - she is excited, has never ridden one before. Climbs on, the horse is galloping faster and faster, she is hanging on for dear life, screaming for help. Thinks all hope is lost, until.......Sam the Walmart greeter rushes up and pulls the plug.

2007-01-26 05:53:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous