Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-26 02:06:20 · 1 answers · asked by woodchip1960 2

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t!"

2007-01-26 02:01:10 · 6 answers · asked by Lori 4

I bought a bike recently. I rode it once all the way to work (far!). When i got there i was enthusiastic about my "achievement" and the benefits of riding. I was telling my boss about my trip and how the bus i'm usually in and myself kept overtaking each other and how i got there faster than the bus.
He said, "oh that's good, and how much money did you save?"
Not thinking much of it i said said "not much, the bus's only ₤1 anyway..."
and he went:
"See, you should have ridden behind a cab, it would have saved you a tenner!" --------- Funny, isn't it???

2007-01-26 01:57:26 · 18 answers · asked by sbro 4

While waiting at a redlight in loaded traffic, I saw young geeky-looking man, with all of the head gear and protection equipment wave goodbye his "mommy", drive his bycycle only 3 feet to a total head-flip off of the bike and land in the cement in front of his mom.

2007-01-26 01:41:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

:D

2007-01-26 01:38:30 · 5 answers · asked by kaustikos1981 4

2007-01-26 01:29:53 · 26 answers · asked by Alok S 1

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

2007-01-26 01:28:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

When a nymphomaniac tells you,"Let's just be friends."

2007-01-26 01:26:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

2007-01-26 01:24:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will give u the answer after some tyms ... till then u tease ur brain ..

2007-01-26 01:23:55 · 5 answers · asked by Digitally Й!Й 3

...he's fully recovered.

2007-01-26 01:22:56 · 14 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

AT&T condoms..................reach out & touch someone
Chevy condoms.................like a rock
Campbells soup condoms...mmm mmm good
GE condoms......................we bring good things to life
Pringles condoms...............once you pop you can't stop
Ford condoms.....................the best never rest
Star Trek condoms......to boldly go where no man has gone before

2007-01-26 01:19:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

2007-01-26 01:18:00 · 10 answers · asked by gingi_01 2

3 children are swapping treasures on the playground. Rosa has 3 stuffed turtles and 2 bottle caps. Stephen has 2 bottle caps and 5 squirt guns. Michaela has 4 stuffed sturtles and 1 squirt gun.

A. The group decides that the bottle caps are worth the most, They decide that one bottle cap equals 2 stuffed animals or three squirt guns.

1. Who has the most valuable collection?:

2. Who has the least valuable collection?:

B. Stephen opens his latest issue of Swapping Today and discovers that stuffed turtles are now becoming a collectors item. They all meet again to reasssess their possesions. They decide that one turtle is equal to 3 bottle caps or two squirt guns.

3. Now which collection is the most?:

4. Now who has the least?:

C. Finally a fourth friend, Dan comes along and offers to pay 5 baseball cards for each turtle, 3 for squirt gun, and two for each bottle cap. How much would he have to pay each of the children in baseball cards?

4. Rosa: 6. Stephen: 7. Michaela:

2007-01-26 01:17:02 · 4 answers · asked by Hardcore 3

My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw u with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing u my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude from your eyes at deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for u is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only u can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for u extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve u into partial functions but if I do so, u can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.U are as essential to me as an element of a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if u do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

With love: Pythagoras!!

2007-01-26 00:55:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women had died and went up to heaven, now before they could go through the gates they each had to answer a question in order to go in. So the gate keeper said to the first ladies. "Who was the first women?" So the women replied. "Eve." "Correct said the gate keeper. And he let her in. He asked the second woman. "Where did Eve live?" So the second woman replied "The garden of Eden." Right said the Gate keeper finally he asks the third woman. "What did Eve say to Adam when she saw him." So the woman replied. "urm..........That's a hard 1.

2007-01-26 00:53:01 · 9 answers · asked by Ryan Willcox 3

when they notice a sign in a shop window that reads
"WA*KS £1" and then another sign next to it reading "Pies £2"
So they enter the shop & stood at the counter is a tall, scantily clad, buxom blonde lady.
The first man walks to the counter says
"Ere love - do you do't' wa*ks?"
"Yes I do" purrs the woman
"Beltin', do us a favour then, go wash tha's 'ands & give thee a couple o' pies"

2007-01-26 00:46:01 · 14 answers · asked by Jay A 3

After shopping for the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to police station to make a report. Then, a detective drives them back to parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at crime scene. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire ignition to rush her to hospital. Plz forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic.

And, there is a note on the door reading:
“Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

2007-01-26 00:28:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Kids say the darnest things...


JACK (3) was watching his mom breast feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and

one for cold milk?"



MELANIE (5) asked her gran how old she was. Granny replied she was so

old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember

you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six"



STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much

that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."



BRITTANY (4) had earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to

take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained

it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know its me?"





SUSAN (4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't

give me this juice again," she said, " it makes my teeth cough."






CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked

what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with

this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"



JOHN (4) watched his mom getting dressed. When he saw her G-string, he

asked : "Mom, why don't your panties have a bum?"

2007-01-26 00:27:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.He lives somewhere nearby.I have done this several times. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"




So ppl what do you think the kid replyed and answer me whether the kid is dumb or not???

2007-01-26 00:20:29 · 10 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

what do you think?

2007-01-26 00:19:36 · 9 answers · asked by Malaya. 2

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience (NDE).

Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"




God replied: I didn't recognize you."

2007-01-26 00:16:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-26 00:09:17 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 23:58:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am slim and tall, Many find me desirable and appealing. They touch me and I give a false good feeling. Once I shine in splendor, But only once and then no more. For many I am "to die for".
What am I?

2007-01-25 23:57:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

2007-01-25 23:54:35 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-25 23:50:03 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

The pilot on an aircraft tells the passangers all systems are down and the plane is going to crash in the middle of the ocean. The passengers all start screaming and crying, all hell breaks loose. Then this beautiful redhead strolls down to the front of the plane. Is there a man on board that can make me feel like a real woman one last time? She pouts.
Quick as a flash "Yes" from the back of the plane. Forward comes a wee fat Scottish middle aged balding guy. He starts climbing over seats and ripping off his shirt. He stops throws his shirt to her "Give that an iron for me".

2007-01-25 23:49:35 · 17 answers · asked by fatherf.lotski 5

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. opens window
3. asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7 -11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road 19 takes a leak
19. still taking a leak.
20. almost done
21. I think.
22. returns to car
23. Drives and fiddles with radio.
24. yells at you for suggesting the map again
25. admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
26. He hates your sister.
27. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
28. He had to look up pernicious.
29. Couldn't find a dictionary.
30. finally found a dictionary
31. Couldn't spell pernicious.
32. seethes at the memory of it all
33. But she is laughing inside...
34. And of course you're still lost.

2007-01-25 23:42:27 · 1 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-25 23:39:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous