Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-25 23:38:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 23:35:10 · 13 answers · asked by garo_babahekian 1

2007-01-25 23:35:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

One night the angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

2007-01-25 23:33:58 · 9 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

2007-01-25 23:31:52 · 7 answers · asked by Russell 3

A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0 which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.


To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.


Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no better!


I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.


Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.


I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2007.


Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.


Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.


Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week.


Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.


Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.


I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I've heard there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007 it tends to take total control of your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all of your shared resources.

2007-01-25 23:29:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

2007-01-25 23:23:17 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

2007-01-25 23:21:51 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

You never see them together, do you?

2007-01-25 23:09:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 23:06:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Name this famous rock group who consists of four members. All four members are dead; one of them was murdered

2007-01-25 22:59:54 · 8 answers · asked by gretz_2324 2

2007-01-25 22:56:45 · 11 answers · asked by See it as 3

A man was found dead on an island covered in scratches
and bruises; with several broken bones.
How did he die?

2007-01-25 22:49:47 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ Stefanny ♥ 2

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"

2007-01-25 22:49:08 · 9 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

got told this one in a pub the other day.

2007-01-25 22:48:00 · 10 answers · asked by Gary O 1

Here is one to get you started

Q:Where does a sargent keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies
- now thats lame!

10 points to the lamest most creative joke!

2007-01-25 22:45:11 · 11 answers · asked by Krystle 4

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

2007-01-25 22:22:33 · 7 answers · asked by X factor 2

2007-01-25 22:11:29 · 13 answers · asked by BABY DOLL 2

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered: “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, "In a minute.”

2007-01-25 22:04:59 · 10 answers · asked by Mary 6

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.? "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work.? We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance.? However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.? "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four
weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

2007-01-25 22:00:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 21:47:47 · 14 answers · asked by splandastic 2

As I sit here in dispair
With razors running thru my hair
Wondering how I will look
I want to look, just like the book

First she lifts me up and down
Then she spins me round and round
Now she tells me she's all done
But why did all the women run

Then she says she missed a spot
Oh my god, she did not
Where is all the hair I had
Oh she says, you'll be glad

Girls will see you from afar
Even at your favorite bar
They will think that you are kewl
Some of them will even drool

So I'll go there really fast
Making sure the jell does last
Get a seat out in the back
Put my coat upon a rack

First I'll offer one a drink
Or maybe try a suttle wink
There ones turned around to look
Oh my god I need to book

Sure are ugly women here
But they do look good with beer
Guess this wasnt my best night
Cause all I got, was just a fight

2007-01-25 21:36:40 · 11 answers · asked by gary_b04901 1

2007-01-25 21:19:57 · 13 answers · asked by mamof14now 2

2007-01-25 21:05:51 · 2 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

He grew taller.

2007-01-25 20:06:24 · 19 answers · asked by Spikey and Scruffy's Mummy 5

Linford Christie entered a golf club house and enquired about membership.

"Sorry pal, I regret to inform that we don't allow coloured persons in this club." said the steward.
"There is another club that will accept you, it's only 10 minutes up the road."

"You what?" cried Linford "Don't you know that I'M Linford Christie?"

"Oh, right, it's 5 minutes up the road then."

2007-01-25 19:30:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shaggy,Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant. Someone farts and Shaggy says,"Wasn''t me!".

Shania Twain says," That don''t impress me much."

Britney Spears says,"Oops, I did it again."

The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts. Shaggy says," Wasn''t me!".

Shania Twain says," That don''t impress me much."

Britney Spears says," Stronger than yesterday."

2007-01-25 19:26:28 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

What are some good pranks to pull that don't really waste anything, or ruin/hurt anyone/thing?

2007-01-25 19:14:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was.

He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girlfriend."

Then the middle brother brought over his girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girfriendl."

The next night, the youngest brother brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.

So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!”

2007-01-25 19:03:48 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

I saw a snake ,it turns away quietly. i saw a guy ,he snatch a beg and run away.
I met a dog ,it shakes his tail to me.i met a friend ,he pretend didnt see me and quickly walk away.
Outside my world ,i prefer stay with animals instead of man.
How about you?

2007-01-25 18:43:33 · 12 answers · asked by FOREST 1