2007-01-25 21:47:47 · 14 answers · asked by splandastic 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
OK, OK - Not too chessy please!!!!!
2007-01-25 21:55:14 · update #1
This one is quite rude but i love it:
Jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills fanny.
Jack got a shock and a mouth ful of co*k cause jills a fu*kin tranny!!!!
2007-01-25 21:56:02 · answer #1 · answered by london lady 5 · 4⤊ 3⤋
Monk in a monastery and is only allowed to speak once every 7 years and the monsigneur comes in to ask him if he has anything to say. Yes - The floor is too cold. Next 7 years monk answers yes, the food is rubbish - next 7 years the monk says I quit and the monsigneur says thank god for that you are always moaning.
2007-01-26 08:23:26 · answer #2 · answered by See it as 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've got a good one.
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.
After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The Fuckin Mexican'."
2007-01-26 05:52:21 · answer #3 · answered by splandastic 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I went down to Branscombe beach(where the cargo ship run aground) the other day and found a container that hadn't been opened...
So I got my crowbar and twisted the lock off
Just my feckin luck.......40 Afghanies jumped out!
2007-01-26 07:12:08 · answer #4 · answered by Karhu100 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage Jokes
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and
a
ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife
to
the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin
of
tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying
a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use
a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get out coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for
my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..........
"HEBREWS"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
wife
to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00
AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his
wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough
draft before the masterpiece .
2007-01-26 06:13:29 · answer #5 · answered by kevnbn 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
what do you call a 3 legged donkey???
a WONKY!!!!!!!!
whats brown and hairy and goes up and down?
gooseberry stuck in alift on holiday!!!
what goes.. cluck cluck BANG ... cluck cluck BANG... cluck cluck BANG???
chickens in a minefield!!!
why do women like circumsized willies?
cos they cant resist anything with 10% off!!!
husband admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to wife "look at that, 12stone of pure dynamite," wife replies " ******* shame about the 2 inch fuse"
I'm baffled by your orange penis the doctor told his patient, does anyone else in your family have this condition? the concerned fellow said " no" "do you handle any chemicals at work?" "i dont work", "well what do you do all day?" said the doc... "oh i mostly watch porn and eat wotsits"!!
plumber gets caught on "builders from hell" shagging houseowners dog on CCTV, woman sues him but judge dismisses case as he was "corgi" registered!!
a man had to show his grey chest to prove he could get his pension, his wife said "you should of shown your **** and we could of got disability too"!!!!
YAYYY!
2007-01-26 05:53:15 · answer #6 · answered by merrpet 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
A little boy and girl were sitting in a bathtub, the girl looked down and said "can I touch it?" the boy said, "No way! you already broke yours off!"
2007-01-26 07:29:27 · answer #7 · answered by Harp 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok here i go:
jack an jill wen up a hill to fetch a pail of water, jack fell down and broke his crown and jill came tumbling after
Who?What?Where?How? they came back with a daughter!!
2007-01-26 06:00:13 · answer #8 · answered by gunnerz4lyfe! 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
How do you catch a unique rabbit - unique up on it ( unique sounds like you sneek ). How do you catch a tame rabbit - tame way ( like same way ).
2007-01-26 05:54:32 · answer #9 · answered by zeroartmac 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
For my birthday I got a sweater.... I would have rather had a screamer or a moaner.
2007-01-26 05:58:08 · answer #10 · answered by thatvegasguy 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋