jokes please!?!?!?!? best one gets 10?

Question

can you please tell me some really funny jokes (LMFAO stuff)... i don't care how long they are or if they are dirty.... i need a good laugh... the best one gets 10, well 12 points if you count the 2 for answering

come on people... i know someone can tell jokes

no "best ones"

Answer 1

All right then, this one will hurt you.

A man who is seriously over weight decides to start jogging .

His first time out , in the shady side of town, he sees a house with a sign over the door that says ,

GARENTED WEIGHT LOSS

So he goes up to the frount door, wich is open, and steps inside.

In the frount room is a man sitting behind a desk,
the says , what can I do for you today.

The fat man says I would like to lose some weight.

The man at the desk, asks how much?

Unsure of the situation the fat man says 10 pounds.

That will cost ya 30 dollars .

Reluctantly the man give's him the cash.

The seated man says go up stairs to the first door and knock.

The fat man gets to the door ,knocks, and cute redhead
steps out, naked ,with a sign on her chest that reads,
IF YOU CATCH ME YOU CAN F@*K ME.

She takes off running, he takes off after her, she runs
till he looses about 10 pounds, then she lets him catch her.

The next day fat boy shows up at the desk and says
I would like to lose 20 pounds.

The man at the desk says that is going to cost 60 dollars.

Fat boy happily pays and is told to go to the seckond door.


This time a beautiful brunet steps out naked with a sign on on her chest that reads IF YOU CATCH ME YOU CAN F@*K ME. She takes off running , he takes off after her,
she runs him till he looses about 20pounds then she lets him catch her.

A few days later he walks up to the desk with a big smile and says , I would like to lose 50 pounds and throws
150 dollars on the desk.


The proprieter says wait a sec there guy, it is my
duty to informe you that looseing that much weight at
one time may be hazordious to your health.

Lard *** says I don't care, and is told to go to the
third door and knock.

This time a 800 pound gorilla steps out with a sign on his chest that says,

IF I CATCH YOU I'M GOING TO F@*K YOU!!

Answer 2

I have lots of politically incorrect jokes just don't want to post them here

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a lollipop?

a **********

Dirty Johnny is in school and the teacher asked a question "if there 3 birds on a fence and you throw a rock and hit one how many are left?" Johnny is in the back with his hand raised but the teacher doesn't want to call on him cause she knows he's a smart a** but since no one else raises their hand she does.
"zero" is Johnny's answer
"no john if you have 3 birds and hit one there are 2 left" is the teachers reply to which Johnny comes back "no cause the other two would fly away" the teacher thinks about and says "you know what i never thought of it that way i guess the other two would fly away I like the way you think"
then johnny asks a question "if there are 3 women sitting on a bench and one is licking on an ice cream cone one is biting the an ice cream cone and one is sucking on the ice cream cone which one is married?" the teacher doesn't want to answer cause it sound sick but she thought about the clever bird answer
"I guess it would be the one sucking on the cone"
Johnny replies "no its the one with the ring on her finger but I like the way you think"

Answer 3

There are three men on a "deserted island". When they were walking through the trees, searching for food, they saw a campsite. They walked over to see if anybody was there. When they got close, a large group of people huddled around them with spears. The oldest one spoke to them. He said, " Me and my people are very hungry. We do not eat fruits, we eat humans."
The three men begged the man to spare their lives. He responded, " If you each bring ten peices of a certain fruit, I will consider sparing your lives." So the three men set out to search for fruit. When the first man returned with ten apples, the old man said " I want you to stick ten of those up your bottom without making any facial expression." The man started. "One-Two- AHHH!" The hungry canibals ate him. The second man came back with ten grapes. He was told to do the same thing. "One- Two-Three-Four-Five-Six-Seven-Eight-Nine-Ha Ha Ha!!!" They ate him as well.
When the first two men met in heaven, the first man asked the second man"Why did you laugh? You could have lived."
The second man replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the other guy coming up with pineapples!"

Answer 4

Fred had a black eye, so his friend said how did you get that Fred. Well it's like this you see. I was sitting behind a lady in church last Sunday, and when we stood up her dress was stuck in the crack of her bum, so I leant over and pulled it out for her. She turned round and gave me a black eye. The next week Fred was talking again to his friend and he said, I see you have another black eye, how did that happen? Fred said, remember that womean whose dress I pulled out from the crack of her bum, well I thought I had better put it back where it belonged, but she gave me another black eye!

another one......

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back."What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said " That M.F. had $500 in quarters!"

Answer 5

********* A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in an Amarillo Theater. > > When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, > "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." > > The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. > > The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there > I'm going to have to call the manager." > > Once again, the cowboy just groaned. > > The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he > returned with the manager. > > Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with > no success. Finally they summoned the police. > > The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right > buddy what's your name?" > > "Sam," the cowboy moaned. > > "Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger. > With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."

Answer 6

Rotfl @ Liz. :) I got several jokes as past question...take a look...tell me what you think :D

Answer 7

So a blond goes in to get her haircut. When the hair dresser asks her to take off her headphones she gets distressed and tells him that her boyfriend told me "NEVER take off these headphones, it'll kill you if you do".

The hair dresser tells the poor girl that her boyfriend is just joking and insists she takes them off. Shrugging, she takes them off. But to everyones surprise and dismay she dies.

Curious the hair dresser puts on the head phones to see what was recorded.

He hears

"Breathe in....Breathe out....Breathe in.......

Answer 8

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on
the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his
head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All
out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks
on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
some of your load! "When the light turns green the trucker
revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and
after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's
winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Answer 9

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Answer 10

I've got a great one ok:

ahem.

"best one"