Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

2007-01-27 05:43:06 · 46 answers · asked by Tink 5

then why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

2007-01-27 05:38:47 · 12 answers · asked by me 2

why do I see so many dead rabbits on the road?

2007-01-27 05:37:32 · 19 answers · asked by me 2

Anagrams:
"Dormitory" - Dirty Room

"Evangelist" - Evil's Agent

"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It

"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots

"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em

"Animosity" - Is No Amity

"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler

"Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's

"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class

"Semolina" - Is No Meal

"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet

"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place

"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake

"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one

"Contradiction" - Accord not in it

"George Bush" - He bugs Gore

2007-01-27 05:35:40 · 36 answers · asked by Tink 5

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry it.

2007-01-27 05:33:28 · 10 answers · asked by steve 5

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

2007-01-27 05:32:46 · 37 answers · asked by Tink 5

Marriage Contract


I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act, too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman, it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom to my friends.

Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends-a lot.

Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" name.

Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.

Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical* .

Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________ _________ _________ ______ (female)

2007-01-27 05:28:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black, were all sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pi55er. I pi55 on everything ... The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pi55ed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it, and when I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.

2007-01-27 05:07:30 · 14 answers · asked by Ecko 4

The priest in a small Irish village loved the c0ck and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the c0ck went missing! The priest knew that c0ck fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c0ck?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c0ck?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a c0ck that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen MY c0ck?"

Up stood all the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat.

2007-01-27 04:58:29 · 20 answers · asked by Ecko 4

2007-01-27 04:57:34 · 8 answers · asked by parham 1

For example laddi daddi we like to party

or cheaa

or you thought u were the center of attention until we showed up


good and hot oness please thank you

2007-01-27 04:53:18 · 8 answers · asked by anonymous 2

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks "How will I recognize him?". "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse."A female horth."So he shows him a prized filly."Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little
fella up again and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twot"? Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twot, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that to.......

2007-01-27 04:37:49 · 17 answers · asked by Ecko 4

England had usurped the islands in 1833 . Was treatys with Espain and Escorial treay was signed in 1700 after than ilegal ocuppation Estate Islands and Tierra del Fuego . However England doesnt fullfitt this treaty .
In 1820 Captain David Jewit take over Malvinas formal possesion in Argentino Government name and others governments did a good colonize work .
In 1833 come the clio and usurped Malvinas . In United nations resolutions orders to negociate with argentina and was recgnized the soberanight problems against the english argumens about self -governnements .
The britain press and uk government had said so much lies to public opinion and doesnt to say the truth and a open debae never be able within the governments .

2007-01-27 04:37:45 · 8 answers · asked by adam h 1

I am soooo bored. It's Saturday and there is nothing to do. So if you could give me a funny joke or what ever, I need a good laugh. thanks!

2007-01-27 04:36:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points fo the one who gets it right.

2007-01-27 04:34:41 · 17 answers · asked by THE UNKNOWN 5

is that funny or what?

2007-01-27 04:16:45 · 4 answers · asked by dude 5

2007-01-27 04:09:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Red head was jumping on railroad tracks saying "21, 21"
When a burrnett came up to her and asked what she was doing.
The red head reolide jumping on the railroad tracks. The burrnett decided to join her. Then all of a sudden a train came by and killed the burrnett. the red head got back on the tracks and started jumping and saying "22, 22"

Moral: Don't trust red heads juming on railroad tracks.

2007-01-27 03:57:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 03:52:54 · 4 answers · asked by dunn m 1

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

2007-01-27 03:48:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Woman standing nude looking through bedroom mirror, she says to her husband " I look horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment " Husband replies "your eyesight,s f--king spot on !!".

2007-01-27 03:48:26 · 15 answers · asked by jo w 4

This real Hill Billy get his first job painting the lines in the middle of the road.

He pitches up for work on the first day and does an amazing 20miles of lines. The boss remarks how good the Hill Billy has done and he goes home smiling.

Next day he arrives at work, and does 10 miles of lines - the boss is still pleased.

Following day he does 5 miles - boss gets a little concerned.

Forth arrives and the Hill Billy does 2.5 miles by the end of the day and the boss goes wild "Son, first you do 20miles of lines! I was amazed, why now you only doin' 2.5 miles?"

The Hill Billy repilies "Boss.., well boss yur see, its a long walk back to that piant pot!!"

2007-01-27 03:48:13 · 13 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm not religious."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

2007-01-27 03:39:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

2007-01-27 03:38:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man says to his wife " Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time" Wife says "your ****,s bigger than your brothers!"

2007-01-27 03:36:15 · 12 answers · asked by jo w 4

Three guys talk in the office after a night out.

First guy says, "Man!! I was sooo drunk last night!! I'm tellin you it took me 3hrs to get home!! and I only live 100m from that bar!"

Second man says, "Thats nothing, I can't even remember gettin home, I was sooooo drunk!"

Third guy says quietly, "man I was so drunk, when I got home I blew chunks!"

The first two look at him and say "well thats not that bad!!"

Thrid guy replies "Chunks is the name of my dog?!?!"

2007-01-27 03:29:12 · 7 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

Grandma and grandpa were sitting on their rocking chairs one lazy afternoon, Grandpa started feeling spry and reached over and gave Grandma's breast a squeeze and said, "You know Ma, if this would give milk we could get rid of the cow."

To that Grandma said, "Yep, we sure could."

After a while Grandpa reach over to Grandma's crotch and gave it a pat and said, "You know Ma, if this could give eggs we could get rid of the chickens."

Grandma said, "Yep, we sure could."

After a short while, Grandma reached over to Grandpa and started stroking his jewels and said, "You know Pa, if this could get hard we could get rid of your brother."

2007-01-27 03:24:33 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

2007-01-27 03:21:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are eating breakfast at the table one morning. The man is balding and slightly going to seed while his wife is still stunningly beautiful with the perfect long blonde hair. The only drawback to her was that she was dumb. The husband steals a steely gaze at his wife before blurting out, "How is it that you can be so beautiful but so stupid at the same time?!"

The blonde sips her coffee quietly before setting it down and explaining, "It's quite simple, really. God made me beautiful, so you would be attracted to me, but He also made me stupid, so that I would be attracted to you!"

2007-01-27 03:20:39 · 29 answers · asked by gingi_01 2

2007-01-27 03:19:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous