Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

2007-01-27 07:47:49 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

People who can count and people who can't.

2007-01-27 07:47:18 · 16 answers · asked by Mr. Smiley 6

A pool table

2007-01-27 07:47:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in London to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the
water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Tony Blair ! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options-you can save the life of Tony Blair or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

2007-01-27 07:45:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 07:37:15 · 6 answers · asked by Bill T 2

2007-01-27 07:28:52 · 10 answers · asked by BullShit Man 2

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don;t worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down - "honey, honey, I was just up stairs ja--ing off and I shot the dog!"

2007-01-27 07:23:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 07:20:45 · 11 answers · asked by rockabilly.betty 2

2007-01-27 07:20:02 · 21 answers · asked by rockabilly.betty 2

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to
go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized
they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said
he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the
sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a
month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh,
come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the
little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said,
"If you do, I won't go!"

2007-01-27 07:04:46 · 6 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the
room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and
decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the
teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what
a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

2007-01-27 07:03:22 · 7 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Dead.

2007-01-27 07:01:47 · 7 answers · asked by Mr. Smiley 6

i'll tell u later!!!!!

haha

2007-01-27 06:48:45 · 1 answers · asked by lalala 4

okay my gf is being harassed by jehova witnesses like clockwise every 8th of every mont between 9am and noon, so my bro and I came up with a funny plan. get this we are going to have me my bro my gf and and a body to be in masochist leather. my bro would answer the door in the middle of saying hail satan then my buddy will pop up in a leather mask holding a kitten screaming "are we going to do this thing or not" then after seeing our guests saying "hi" then my bro will open the door wide open and allow them to see my gf in a leather uniform pulling me along with a chain attached to a dogleash around my neck and a leather mask around my face and handcuffed. she would shout out will looking at me " I'll give u some good greif" in an angry tone, upon us walking in the background my bro will shout to us hey we have company, so we would all turn to the witnesses about comming in and telling us about there religion. so is it funny!

2007-01-27 06:47:14 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!'

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.'
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'

2007-01-27 06:42:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

2007-01-27 06:38:46 · 13 answers · asked by diana h 1

Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem.

Pope: I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why's that?

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: You're a day late.

2007-01-27 06:31:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

2007-01-27 06:29:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

if money dosen't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? why does a round pizza come in a square box?why dosent glue stick to its bottle? why do u still call it building when it is already built? if its true that we are here to help others,then why are others here for? if u are not suppose to drink & drive then why do bars have parking lots?.....we are a funny bunch of people,living in a seriously funny world! isn't we?

2007-01-27 06:24:15 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

i could really use a laugh right about now.

2007-01-27 06:20:14 · 14 answers · asked by Sami 4

Tell me what your doing now...in detail.

2007-01-27 06:16:10 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

what would you do if you could do anything now in your room ?

2007-01-27 06:05:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"

2007-01-27 06:05:16 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny ?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"

2007-01-27 06:03:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 05:53:10 · 14 answers · asked by Chris 5

Right, the first person makes a wish. the person to post after that has to corrupt the wish then post his own wish.
Eg

"I wish i had a car"

then the next person would say:

"Granted, but you are banned from driving for 500 years"

Then the person that corrupted that wish has to make his own wish.

eg "I want a million dollars"

the next person then says "Granted, but because of inflation you can only buy a teabag."

Ok.. I'll start!

I wish I owned a chocolate factory :)

2007-01-27 05:52:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Complete the sentance

2007-01-27 05:52:49 · 7 answers · asked by student 1

why is it still #2?

2007-01-27 05:51:22 · 12 answers · asked by me 2

i think he wants a best answer will he get one

2007-01-27 05:49:04 · 2 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

There was a bear and a rabbit both taking a dump in the woods next to eachother and then the bear looks over to the rabbit and say's "do you ever have a problem getting crap stuck to your fur"? The rabbit said no way! never! So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

2007-01-27 05:43:49 · 17 answers · asked by dfisk30 2