Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

and I woke up with a solution on my chest in the morning

2007-01-27 13:34:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i slept with a girl last night she was way to young





oh no that was her name wae too young she was chinese

2007-01-27 13:17:53 · 23 answers · asked by essexgirllover 1

most right = best a.


1.I live above a star, and yet I never burn,
I have eleven neighbors, and yet none of them turn,
I am visited in sequence, first, last or in between,
PRS (& sometimes Q)are my initials, now tell me what I mean.

2.1=3,2=3,3=5,4=4,5=4,6=3,7=5,8=5,9=4,10=3
So what does
11=?,12=?

3.A man is asked what his daughters look like. He answers, "They are all blondes, but two, all brunettes, but two, and all redheads, but two." How many daughters did he have?

4.Trouble with Sons: A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

5.Pronounced as one letter but written with three, two different letters there are and two only in me. I'm double, I'm single I'm black, blue, and gray. I'm read from both ends and the same either way.

6.Six glasses are in a row. The first three are full of juice; the second three are empty. By moving only one glass, can you

2007-01-27 13:17:00 · 14 answers · asked by Jordan Alexis 6

a dictator HAHA!

2007-01-27 12:52:31 · 14 answers · asked by Mr. Smiley 6

can you make 30 cents out of 2 american coins and one of them is not a nickel ?

2007-01-27 12:51:12 · 14 answers · asked by TANNER 3

I made up this joke and I thought it was o.k.

What's good about singing a censored rap song?




You have a lot of time to breath.

I don't know, what do you think about it?

2007-01-27 12:43:29 · 26 answers · asked by Ace 5

2007-01-27 12:38:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 hillbillys are sitting on the porch one day...

1st one says "My wife is so stuipd. She went out and bought an air conditioner and we aint got no lectricity"

2nd one says "Mine too... She bought a washing machine and we taint got no plumbin"

3rd one says " I got ya's both beat... I went to get some change from my wife's pocket book and I found a 6 comdoms"

The first two look at each other and then ask "What's wrong with that?"

3rd one replies... "She aint got no pecker"

2007-01-27 12:29:22 · 17 answers · asked by Moon Man 5

you can ask yes or no questions

2007-01-27 12:23:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this 2nd grade school teacher and on the first
day of school she was going over the rules and wanted
everyone to introduce themselves.

She told them right off, that one thing she would not
tolerate in her classroom was profanity or bad language.
So she proceded to introduce herself and had all the kids
start giving their names.

It came to the back of the room and this little girl
introduced herself as "HAPPY BUTT SMITH". The teacher made
her repeat her name. Then said, ok and moved on to the
next student.

Well, the little girl's name really bothered the teacher, so
she then had a note sent home with all the students and
asked that they have their parents fill out their complete
name and some other information. She wanted to check on
the little girl who said her name was "HAPPY BUTT".

Well, the next day the kids all brought their papers back
with their names all filled out. Well, she came across
the little girl named "HAPPY BUTT SMITH" and called her up
to her desk.

2007-01-27 12:15:45 · 24 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

My computer is playing up. I sent a joke a few times, even Yahoo takes points, its not coming up due to a problem with my computer. The joke is saved, how do i get back into jokes & riddles.

2007-01-27 12:08:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've noticed the discussion of God's name the last two
days. One alleged God's name is *Andy* ("Andy walks with me; Andy
talks with me"), another that it is *Howard* ("Howard be thy
name"). Anybody wanna vote for *Invain*?

Those are the suggestions of unenlightened minds, hardly
PC. Actually, her name is *Shirley*. In the book of Genesis,
chapter 28, verse 16, Jacob says clearly, "Shirley the Lord is in
this place." Of course, you've gotta check the KJV (the version
God herself wrote), because the NEB, in the same passage,
translates her name as *Truly*.

While we're on Biblical subjects (and this is something I
learned while I was on the Religious Humor List), are you aware that
there has been a Great Pi (the geometric ratio of the diameter of a
circle to its circumference) Shift--or perhaps "arc" inflation--
since Biblical times? Today we express pi as 22/7, often rounding
it off to 3.14. However, in I Kings 7:23 the value of pi is exactly
3, with no decimals:

2007-01-27 12:05:33 · 5 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

2007-01-27 12:05:02 · 13 answers · asked by sammy 5

A scientist at the University of Memphis has discovered part of the secret of
eternal life -- by use of a special, rather exotic, diet, he has succeeded in
prolonging indefinitely the life-span of a group of porpoises. Part of this
diet includes the meat of Minah birds, a tropical rain-forest bird. Of
course, Minah birds are not easy to get in this country, especially in the
quantities required for research, so the scientist generally has to travel
to South America by himself to get the birds. On a recent trip, the scientist
was leaving the jungle with a rather large bag of Minahs, constantly in fear
of discovery by the authorities, when he encountered a large lion lying across
his path. Not wanting to anger the lion, he immediately froze in his tracks.
After a short pause, he noticed that the lion did not seem to care at all
about him or his bag of birds.

2007-01-27 12:01:28 · 12 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

There were 2 muffins in an oven @375 degrees. One muffin turned to the other one and said,"Boy is it hot in here." The other one turned to him and said, "AHHH!!! A talking muffin."

2007-01-27 12:00:31 · 15 answers · asked by philly 1

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

2007-01-27 11:43:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came
in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This
isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's
a hickory daiquiri, doc."

2007-01-27 11:43:37 · 10 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

A man flying in tourist class needed to use the loo urgently, but each time he got up to go, it was engaged. A sympathetic flight attendant noticed his predicament and said: "You can use the ladies toilet in first class, but what ever you do, don't press any of the buttons on the wall. The man went into the cubicle and sat down for his poo. He saw 4 buttons marked WW,WA ,PP & ATR. After a while the curiosity got the better of him so he pressed WW and immediately felt warm warm water wash his bum. He enjoyed so much that he pressed WA and warm air dried his ringpiece. When he pressed PP, a powder puff gently talced his bum. He was having such a good time that he pressed the button marked ATR and he immediately felt an intense pain before promptly passing out! Waking up in hospital, he asked the nurse what had happened and she told him: "You pressed the AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER button. "Your penis is under your pillow and you balls are in that bucket at the bottom of your bed!"

2007-01-27 11:38:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle and the salami on the bar and the bartender says,"I don't supose your be needing a drink tonight?...

This is from "Breakfast Club." I have never heard the end of the joke. Can you finish it?

2007-01-27 11:36:01 · 3 answers · asked by Bad Crab 2

One day a fish was swimming in a lake, and he noticed a fly buzzing around
above him. He thought,
"If that fly would only come down four inches I could jump and get it and
have my lunch."
There was a bear watching the fish from the nearby woods thinking,
"If that fly would just come down four inches, that fish would jump up and
get it and I could go out and get the fish and have my lunch."
The hunter watching the bear was thinking to himself,
"If that fly would lower four inches, the fish would jump up and get it, the
bear would come out of the woods and get the fish, and I could put down my
sandwich and shoot the bear."
A mouse was watching all this, and thinking to himself,
"If that fly would lower itself four inches, that fish would jump up and get
it, the bear would come out of the woods and get the fish, the hunter would
put down his sandwich and shoot the bear, and I could go and get the hunters
sandwich and have my lunch."

2007-01-27 11:34:31 · 6 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

A man is looking for a job. Reading the want ads he notices that the local
school district needs a bus driver. He thinks this will be a piece of cake
job and heads out to the school bus garage.

"We have only one route left open." says the dispatcher, "It's the Special
Ed bus. That one over there with Ernie, Bert, Oscar, and Big Bird painted
on the side. Here's your route. Good Luck."

So, the guy heads out on his new bus route. At the first stop there are two
extremly fat girls. The first one says, "Hi. My name is Patty.", and gets on
the bus. The second one gets on and says, "Hi. My name is Patty too."

He goes to the next stop. A little boy gets on the bus and says, "My name is
Ross and Jerry says I'm special."

At the third stop a young boy gets on and states, "Yo! I'm Lester-T!"
This boy sits down right behind the bus driver.

So, the bus driver continues along the route picking up kids. Suddenly he is
utterly revolted by a smell coming from the back of the bus. He turns

2007-01-27 11:30:29 · 6 answers · asked by Nunya M 4

2007-01-27 11:24:14 · 8 answers · asked by Chris 5

Hay didle mines in the middle wears yours. its that daft old man again have a nice day. And not last night but the night befor.

2007-01-27 11:20:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a big storm outside and you're driving trying to get away but on the way you pass up a bus stop and you see and old lady that needs to be taken to a hospital fast, the love of your life, and your best friend who saved your life. You only have room in the car for one person. Who do you pick up?

2007-01-27 11:05:11 · 7 answers · asked by spongebobzgurll 2

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

2007-01-27 10:55:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-27 10:48:11 · 10 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

.Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work everyday?"Robert replied,"Because I make love to my wife every morning before work."Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning."That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:' Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you.'"Tyrone, amazed, said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and sh*it..." but he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.The next day Tyrone showed up to work all beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.Robert asked,"Man, what happened to you?"Tyrone said," I dont know, man. I went home and tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem.""Well, what poem did you tell her?"Tyrone told him,"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog... If I could roll your fat a*ss over, I'd do you like a dog.

2007-01-27 10:42:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mary gets married and has 17 children. Her husband dies, so she remarries two weeks later and has another 12 children. Her second husband then dies, as does Mary a month later. The local priest attends her wake and looks down on her in her coffin. "Thank God," says the priest. "The two of them are together at last."
"So Father," says one of the mourners. "When you say that, are you talking about her first husband, or her second husband?"
"I'm not talking about her husbands, says the priest..."I'm talking about her legs."

2007-01-27 10:41:13 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and has a radical new treatment. The surgeon puts a small screw in the back of her head so she can turn it and tighten up her skin every time it shows signs of wrinkling. A month later she comes back very upset. "Doctor your treatment is dreadful! Look at my face! The bags under my eyes are huge and no matter how much I turn the screw they won't go away!
"They're not bags," replies the doctor, "those are your breasts. And if you keep turning that screw you're going to end up with a goatee."

2007-01-27 10:36:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1-HOW TO OPEN YOU LOCKED DOOR !!!
A blonde drives down the road. She notices she's running out of gas so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping the gas she notices she locked the keys in the car. She goes inside to pay, and asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.She goes out and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blond outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blond inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right!!".

2-DADDY'S ADVICE!!!!
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted ..but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next...

2007-01-27 10:27:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous