Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Get it "bathroom break" and "I broke the bathroom"? Funny or what? In your day I challenge you to think of the double meanings that words have. For example: When someone say "Hello" to you, reply with "Yes and Heaven is up High." or when someone say "Hi" tell them "No I don't do drugs." Keep it fun because laughter is the best medication in the world. I suffer from depression and when I have a bad day, I just do this the whole day. You ever wonder why we drive on parkways and park on driveways? If there's a knock at the door and someone says "Who's knocking?" open the door and say "No, who's not knocking it's ...." inserting the person's name.

2006-11-10 00:50:57 · 7 answers · asked by chadgant55 1

2006-11-10 00:43:03 · 17 answers · asked by fulhammud 1

i left it down and went to work, came back and it was up. who did it and why is my wife in the bathroom gargling?

2006-11-10 00:40:15 · 24 answers · asked by ? 4

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:



1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

2006-11-10 00:39:29 · 27 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

one day, there were 3 surgeons chatting in a pub, bragging about their achievements. the 1st one say's, "I once operated on a guy who had his fingers cut off by accident, i sewed them back on, and now he's a top violinist!"
the 2nd one sez, "I once operated on a guy who'd lost his legs in a car crash,i sewed them back on, and now he's a gold medal winning runner!"
the 3rd guy sez "dat's notin', i once operated on a man who had been out riding his horse. he got hit by a train. all we could find of him was his hat and the horses asss. i was in the operating room for hours sewing him back togeether, and now he's the president of the USA!" ha ha ha

2006-11-10 00:37:48 · 15 answers · asked by JinMu 2

I heard it at the tv! i can't get it out of my head!!! ithink i have a mental problem : ( HELP!!!!

2006-11-10 00:37:40 · 13 answers · asked by AnTon 2

2006-11-10 00:36:34 · 16 answers · asked by fulhammud 1

This woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

**************
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

2006-11-10 00:28:11 · 45 answers · asked by Pd 6

Im very bored, I need cheering up! Jokes or anything wud do!

2006-11-10 00:17:17 · 14 answers · asked by Irishbird3 3

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.


Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.


Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself!!


Q: What do you call the worthless piece of skin around a penis?
A: A man.


Q: What is a period?
A: A bloody waste of time.


Q: Did you hear about the blind skunk?
A: It f****d a piece of s**t.


Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Chickens don't have t*ts.

2006-11-10 00:15:45 · 13 answers · asked by leila b 2

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

2006-11-10 00:14:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It doesn't matter what party you are this is absolutely hilarious.

Missing Bill Clinton

Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black
Comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I
Miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having
A black man as President.

Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... His wife works, and he don't! And, he
Gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking
America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one
Of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of
A weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
Don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle"
Because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest
Leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the
Truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing
But what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
HankyPanky between Bushes.
Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy
to none. --Benjamin Franklin

2006-11-09 23:59:49 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A men visits a doctor and says: Doctor, when I touch something it hurts. Doctor: You have a broken finger.

2006-11-09 23:49:55 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

2006-11-09 23:32:22 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

But how will i know when i am going to hit the ground ?
Reply ! dont worry the lead on your guide dog will go slack !

2006-11-09 23:21:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Try me, i know a million.

2006-11-09 23:19:09 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the center of Times Square. They walked around to the back and lifted up his tail. Traffic quickly became a snarled mess.

A police man walked over and said "Hey, what the h*ll are you two guys DOING???"

One looked up and said, "Some guy in a cab drove by us and said "look at the two @ssholes on that camel!"

2006-11-09 23:13:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

(read all way thru please)


You open up and take it out, you get a good firm grip...............
then....

"aaaaaaargh",

"oooooohhhhhhh",

"ggnnnnnnnn",

"grrrrrrrrrr",

"ooooohh",

"yeaaaaaaaaaaa",

"yes yes yes"

"yeah".............................................................
"it's getting there"




"oh yea, oh yes oh yeaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssss".





"there you go dear, the jars open." lmao

what did you think i was talkin about?

2006-11-09 23:11:26 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

As she rushes down the stairs, her excitement gets the better of her, and she feels an enormous fart building up. She scurries past her date, who is chatting with her dad, and rushes to the car.

She no sooner closes the door, and she lets go of a tremendously noxious gas bomb. She hurredly rolls down the window and fans the fumes out.

The boy arrives a few moments later, gets into the driver's seat, puts his are on the back of the seat, turns to face the back seat and says, " Have you met our double dates, Tom and Jennifer?"

2006-11-09 22:58:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

this if your'e a Brit holiday maker. Good luck to the rest. A coach driver takes a crowd of blind people for a day out in Blackpool, after they park up on the prom he takes them onto the sands. He fancies a quick pint and wonders what he can do to keep them amused. He nips to a stall on the beach and buys a football with a bell in it, that should keep them happy for a bit he thinks and shoots off for his beer. After about ten minuets a bloke comes into the pub and says "is there anybody in here supposed to be with all them blind folk?. Yeah says the driver what's up. Can you come and sort them out they are kicking f**k out of one of my donkeys!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-09 22:55:05 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-09 22:44:42 · 13 answers · asked by Big Pat 1

2006-11-09 22:38:51 · 62 answers · asked by Anonymous

down the ward when they see a bloke bent over a bit shuffling towards them. One says " want to bet a tenner as to what's wrong with him". Ok your'e on, I think from the way he's walking he's got a bad back. No way says the other I think it's a hernia, look how he's holding his stomach. The bloke reaches them and they ask him what is wrong and what they have decided. Well says the bloke " you think Iv'e got a bad back, your'e wrong and you think Iv'e got a hernia well your'e wrong as well. I thought I was going to fart and I was wrong too!!!!!!

2006-11-09 22:20:44 · 23 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Company Policy: Effective from January 2006

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag,! we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

2006-11-09 21:59:38 · 16 answers · asked by pussy 1

GEORGE BUSH GOES TO HELL

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack
and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil
is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on
my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad
as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place.


I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought
that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He
kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and
over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George
said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard
Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
a

2006-11-09 21:53:26 · 19 answers · asked by pussy 1

The Seargent got up in the privates face and screamed "PRIVATE, I BETCHA WHEN I DIE, YOU'RE GONNA COME SPIT ON MY GRAVE!"

they private replied, "No sir seargent. I promised myself when i get out of the army, I'll never stand in line again."

2006-11-09 21:48:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

After drinking and dancing and petting in the corner, they were getting, you know, hot and bothered. They went to the local hotel, but it was booked solid. The man suggested her place, but she said her roomate was home with her sisters having a party. She suggested his place, but he said he was from 2 hours away.

So they jumped in the car and started driving. she said she knew a deserted stretch of road, why not just go park. They made their way down a dark deserted road, and pulled over and hopped in the back seat. They went at it for several hours, til finally the man said he needed a break.

He got out of the car and stretched his and noticed another car some 100 yards away. The car had a flat and the driver was changing it. The pooped man approached him and asked would he switch places with him. The tire changer said SURE, and walked back to the car and hopped in the back seat with the woman, while the other man changed the flat.

2006-11-09 21:27:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

No matter how hard he tried, the sense of betrayal and lack of professionalism was overwhelming, but every once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that would say 'Dave, don't worry, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you certainly won't be the last, you're single, just let it go and get on with it' But inevitably the other voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering 'Dave, you're a fcuking Vet'

2006-11-09 21:22:04 · 18 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3

2006-11-09 21:01:55 · 15 answers · asked by silvs 5

Australia rings up his nearest neighbour and invites him to a party. Fancy coming over at the weekend I'm having a bit of a do. There will be plenty of beer, then sh***ing, bit more beer, more sh***ing, music, more beer, another s**g if you want, you know usual sort of do. Great says his mate " how shall I dress". Oh he replies just come casual it's only me, you and the sheep!!!!!!!

2006-11-09 20:54:58 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6