Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what is says yet as they daren't pull the F*^kin cord.
note.. for all the delicate people it's a JOKE.

2006-11-09 20:50:38 · 15 answers · asked by David 4

school. One is ten and the other one six. The eldest has been with some of the bigger lads and has heard a new swear word and wants to try it out. They sit down at the table and mum says "what do you want for tea boys". The lad thinks now is my chance, " I'll have a f**king egg" he says. WHAT shouts his mother, (slap, slap, slap) now get up them stairs to bed. She then asks the younger one what he wants, he thinks for a minute then says " well I don't want a f**king egg"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-09 19:45:13 · 19 answers · asked by Shredder 6

An elderly man finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing works.Finally the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.That night he slides into bed,says "123" and suddenly has the most gigantic stiffie ever.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '1,2,3' for?"

2006-11-09 19:25:24 · 30 answers · asked by smoking_gremlin 2

Two ol boys who are a bit deaf go into a pub , one says , you get a table an i'l get the drinks , so he goes to the bar an asks for 2 pints , the barman says that'l be £15 please mate , the ol boy says that a lot of money why is it so dear , the barman says , you'v gotta pay for the music , so he says , what sort of music is it , is it blues , jazz or rock n roll , the barman says , no mate it's country an western , so he takes the beers over to his mate an tells him how much they cost an that they'v to pay for the music , his mate says thats a bit unfair coz we'r deaf an cant hear it , what sort of music is it anyway , his mate says , i dont know really , it's just some cnut from preston !

2006-11-09 19:13:43 · 19 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . . . . ”

2006-11-09 18:12:05 · 26 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

A guy sees a doctor about his stuttering. The doctor examines him and says, "Your penis is enormous. It's throwing your whole body off balance, and weighing down your vocal cords. You’ll talk fine if you let me cut four inches off."

So it goes, and a month later the guy is back. He says, "Well, I don't stutter now, but all my girlfriends have left. Frankly, it's not worth it. Please sew it back on."

Says the doctor: "Sc-sc-s-sc-sc-crew y-y-you!"

2006-11-09 18:05:49 · 13 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Where do you take the sick boats to?
A: To the docks!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Where do you grow children?

Have fun :)

2006-11-09 17:48:57 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-11-09 17:44:25 · 15 answers · asked by emohandjr 1

You probably heard it before, but it's still good.

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical
> (SM)
> and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting
> dark and
> they are still far away from the convent.
> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
> past
> thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
> most.
> What can
> we do?
> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
> SM: It's not working
> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
> thing. He
> started to walk faster too.
> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
> minute.
> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
> and
> I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
> arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister
> Logical.
> Then Sister Logical arrives
> SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
> happened!
> SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
> both,
> so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as
> I
> could and he started to run as fast as he could.
> SM: And?
> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
> SM: What did you do?
> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
> faster
> than a man with his pants down........
>
> And those of you who thought it would be dirty, Pray for
> forgiveness you
> heathens!

2006-11-09 17:30:43 · 14 answers · asked by Ndpndnt 5

Once a judge ordered a barber to a week of community service.

The first day he got a cop as a customer. After getting his hair cut , the cop wants to pay. But the barber refuses the money saying that he is doing a week of community service so the haircut is free.The next morning when the barber comes to open his saloon , he sees a box full of 10 donuts on his door step. He immediately remembers the cop and thanks him in his heart.

That day a florist comes to get a hair cut . Same thing happens . The barber tells him that he is doing free haircuts this week.

The next morning he sees a bouquet of 10 flowers on the door step and thanks the florist in his heart.

That day a hindu comes to get a haircut and later the barber tell him that he is doing free haircuts all thru week. The hindu leaves the saloon as a happy man.

The next morning when he comes to open his saloon he sees 10 hindus standing in line to get free haircuts.

2006-11-09 16:57:03 · 25 answers · asked by curious2 2

i have over 75 keys, im at schools, i have a part of me that can clean up mistakes, i can push a bunch of different numbers, so...What Am I ¿?

2006-11-09 16:48:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What did the zero say to the eight?

(I'll post the answer in a few, if no one gets it.)

2. The oldie but goodie: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

2006-11-09 16:26:03 · 10 answers · asked by BetchaBiteAChip 2

2006-11-09 16:21:46 · 14 answers · asked by neeti 1

First they frame me then they hang me!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-09 16:20:12 · 18 answers · asked by jeff g 4

A guy goes hunting, so he grabs his 22 rifle, and goes into the woods. He gets to the forest, hies, and finally sees a bear in a clearing. He aims and shoots. The bear falls, and the guy runs over to it. When he gets to the spot the bear is gone. Suddenly he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around... it's the bear. The bear asks him, "..you just shoot me?" The guy, scared and unable to speak, nods. So the bear makes him pleasure his member. This being done the bear leaves.

The guy mad that the bear just violated him, goes back to the gun shop and buys a double barrel shotgun and returns to the forest. He finds the bear again, takes aim, and fires. The bear falls, and the guy runs to it. When he gets there the bear is gone, and he feels ... another tap his shoulder. He turns around and it's the bear. "Did you just shoot me twice?" the bear asks. The man sighs and nods. This time the bear puts him down on 4 and mounts him. Truly violated and ENRAGED, the man buys an ELEPHANT gun this time and returns to the woods. He finds the bear, aims, shoots. The bear falls. He AGAIN proceeds to approach the bear.... the bear’s gone again. ... another tap on his shoulder. This time the bear is smiling ear to ear. He looks at the hunter, licks his lips, winks and says “Heh... I’m starting to get the feeling that you aint really here for the hunting....”

Well? Ha ha, honest answers please! If you hate it, tell me! ;-)

2006-11-09 16:06:44 · 19 answers · asked by Wetawd!!NRR! 2

I sit stern on the rock while I'm raising the wind
But the storm once abated I'm gentle and kind.
Kings sit at my feet who await but my nod
To kneel in the dust on the ground I have trod.
Though seen to the world, I am known to but few,
The Gentile detests me, I'm pork to the Jew
I never have passed but one night in the dark
And that was with Noah alone in the Ark.
My weight is three pounds, my length is a mile
And when once discovered, you'll say with a smile,
That my first and my last are the pride of the isle.

answer will be posted later If none can figure it out

2006-11-09 16:05:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-09 16:02:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man walking down the street next to a very tall wood fence. On the other side of the fence, there was a mental institution. The man heard a large group of people on the other side chanting

"THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN! THIRTEEN!"

Well, the man was intrigued and wanted to see what was gonig on. The only way to see through to the other side was a small hole about the size of a half-dollar. The man takes a look through the hole and immediately is poked in the eye from the other side. Then he heard everyone chant

"FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!"

2006-11-09 16:02:28 · 18 answers · asked by Sarah T 3

2006-11-09 15:58:07 · 3 answers · asked by Emmet A 1

what comes once in a year, twice in a week and thrice in a day.

2006-11-09 15:57:33 · 8 answers · asked by nerd 1

I'm geeky
smelly
stupid
friendly but horribly wrong
and i smell sunflower lolipop fairies
also i shot web

2006-11-09 15:55:49 · 22 answers · asked by Enthusiast 3

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

Ha ha, well? ;-P

2006-11-09 15:53:37 · 21 answers · asked by Wetawd!!NRR! 2

2006-11-09 15:40:02 · 7 answers · asked by Emma W 1

who stops in at a pizza shop and orders a pizza.
The clerk asks is he wants 4 pieces or 8?
He replies "Four, I doubt I coud eat 8."

2006-11-09 15:30:10 · 10 answers · asked by the shadow knows 3

Those who tell the truth, those who tell lies, and...

2006-11-09 15:27:04 · 23 answers · asked by jebudas 2

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

2006-11-09 15:08:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

2006-11-09 15:00:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest and some guy go in a bar to have a drink. Then the bar tender says "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"







please rate.

2006-11-09 14:57:16 · 20 answers · asked by mistery person 3

morning. ( it's only 3.35am yet) Anyway on with the joke, A woman is worried that her f***y is getting bgger as she gets older, she goes to the bathroom and puts a mirror on the floor and stands over it to have a look. Just as she is doing this her hubby who is slightly drunk walks past the door. He rushes in and pushes her accross the room, she says "you pillock, you could have broke my arm pushing me like that". You ungrateful ***** he says " if you had fell down that hole you'd have broke your f***ing neck!!!!

2006-11-09 14:46:57 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

2006-11-09 14:29:12 · 18 answers · asked by iamigloo 6