Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-09 09:50:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to her gynaecologist. He asks her whats wrong and she says she was just attacked by an elephant. Well, i'll take a look he says.
Good god cries the gynaecologist alarmed at the size of what he sees
I don't understand though, elephants have small penises he adds
I know she says, but he fingered me first

2006-11-09 09:49:37 · 10 answers · asked by skorpi_ru 2

its furry, its small, it has a hole and is a part of a whole that was once alive. It is won as a prize, though animal lovers will despise. Its name is in three parts but the whole of its name is a synonym for tragedy......

can you guess what it is?

2006-11-09 09:44:30 · 12 answers · asked by tattitalk 1

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".

2006-11-09 09:40:07 · 11 answers · asked by bubble 1

THE

RANGE

OF

8

INCHES
LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

IS

USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY

LOOSLEY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT

IS

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE

IT

IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL

NEED

CLEANING FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND

SOME

OF

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING STATE OF REST, READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY

GUESSED,

THE

ANSWER !

TO

THE

RIDDLE

IS

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

TOOTHBRUSH.........

what were you

thinking?

You PERVERT!

2006-11-09 09:28:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only 1 person visited my blog and left a pound, I need £999,999 before you can have him back, remember you only have 45 sleeps left before Christmas day!
Gosh, I feel like the Grinch that stole Christmas!

2006-11-09 09:24:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-09 09:14:53 · 7 answers · asked by Diamonds_4Ever 3

And I'm not talking about a song or a human heart.

2006-11-09 09:03:37 · 14 answers · asked by Terry 7

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again.
Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause "Macca couldn't handle it anymore " a friend said " he wouldget home at night and finde her legless".

These jokes are funny but let's spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoes.

2006-11-09 08:57:09 · 10 answers · asked by Duisend-poot 7

The other night I was invited for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise". Well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem p****d off at all. "Phew, got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him "why?"...He said, "well last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said "oh s**t!” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted". :)

2006-11-09 08:55:56 · 10 answers · asked by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6

in market street manchester one summer night theres only one cab in the rank,
the driver was reading the news of the world while quietly enjoying a w**k,
he was dreaming that venus was sucking his penus and the shaking was making him tired,
when along came georgina with t*ts like sabrina and generaly enquired,
how much would you charge me to oldham,
the cab driver naerly droped dead had such a shock he let go of his c**k and racked off the gear stick instead,
he said thats alright im not busy tonight your a nice sort of girl i can tell
so i wont charge you nothing to hold them if you let me hold yours as well

2006-11-09 08:55:16 · 6 answers · asked by compo 2

how many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
answer in 30mins
guess and whoever is closest i will vote best answer!

2006-11-09 08:55:05 · 6 answers · asked by 6-17-06 2

A man come's home from work and finds his best mate in bed with his wife.
He pulls out a gun and shoots him
Wife to husband :"If you continue treating your friends like this, you will have no friends left".

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay apon a grassy bank
my hands were all a-quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

2006-11-09 08:51:39 · 13 answers · asked by Duisend-poot 7

The place looked deserted apart from one old guy sitting in his porch . "What do you folks do around here"? asked the city slicker. The old timer replied slowly. "We dont do nothin but hunt an f*ck. " What do you hunt?" "Something to f*ck

2006-11-09 08:39:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

2006-11-09 08:37:15 · 9 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

ok theres a lion in front of you and elephant in back of you a zebra on the right side of you and a wal on the left side of you. what do you do?

i need to know now!!1

2006-11-09 08:37:03 · 21 answers · asked by samstinksya 1

One day the man and his wife were in the house and the wife said
the porch is creaking can you fix and he said hell no what do i look like a carpenter. Then she walked inside and notice the roof leaks so she told him can you fix and he said hell no what do i look like a carpenter. So she went to the refrigerator and noticed that the door didnt shut so she said can you you fix it and he said hell no woman how many times do i have to tell u i aint fixin nuthin. So he left to get a way from her and she was crying when he left. Then when he came back he noticed that everything was fixed and she said yeah the nice young man next doorcame and fixed it .Then she also said i made him one of my special double choclate cake. Then he said ummmmm!!! sure sounds good can u make me one.This time she said Hell to the no what do I look like Betty Crocker

2006-11-09 08:34:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert!!! Ha ha!

2006-11-09 08:26:35 · 14 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

2006-11-09 08:24:10 · 14 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

So they can learn what they ve been doing wrong for the past five years

2006-11-09 08:22:34 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is this sequence?


Answer in hour.

2006-11-09 08:21:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

And you thought you had friends?
I got this from a friend today
1.When you're sad I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* that made you sad.
2.When you are blue I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3.When you smile I will know you finally got laid.
4.When you are scared I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5.When you are worried I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be.
6.When you are confused I will use little words.
7.When you are sick stay the hell away from me.I don't want whatever you have.
8.When you fall I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.
9.This is my oath...I pledge it 'til the end."Why?" you may ask;Because I am your friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants.
Everyone can see it,but only you can feel the warmth.

2006-11-09 08:21:07 · 4 answers · asked by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6

stinks of p*iss



the front row of a Stones concert....

2006-11-09 08:17:52 · 21 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

2006-11-09 08:15:23 · 30 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

2006-11-09 08:15:01 · 11 answers · asked by john m 1

As i lay by the waters edge, my hands were all a quiver.
I slowly undid her suspender belt, and her leg fell in the river.

2006-11-09 08:09:53 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hear that the wedding was a disaster................ but the reception was great!!

2006-11-09 08:06:36 · 13 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director.

TO: All Employees DATE: 4th November RE: Christmas Party.



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of
gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline.



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party.



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be
no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline.



FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November RE: Holiday Party.



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00
is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline.



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November RE: Holiday Party.



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used inthe food.
we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline.



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: 8 November RE: The *******Holiday Party.



Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! Hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director DATE: 9th November RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party.



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

2006-11-09 08:00:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"

"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.

"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms.",

2006-11-09 07:51:43 · 18 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

If so, how was it? Just having a lil' fun here, no offense.

2006-11-09 07:38:31 · 15 answers · asked by Arnold 4