Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

There are SEVEN Marys'.
For every Mary, there are SEVEN Houses.
For every house, there are SEVEN boats.
For every house, there are SEVEN ice rinks.
For every ice rink, there are SEVENTEEN kids.
For every kid, there are SEVEN eggs.
Each kid has SIX kites.
For each kite, there are SEVEN invisible kites.

How many invisible kites are there TOTAL?

2006-11-09 04:46:18 · 28 answers · asked by pandapixi 2

2006-11-09 04:43:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dr dave had slept with one of his patients and felt very guilty.
No matter how much he tried,his sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he`d hear an internal reassuring voice say"dave,don`t worry about it.You aren`t the 1st dr too sleep with one of your patients and you won`t be the last.
Just let it go! But invariably another voice would bring him back too reality whispering,
Dave you`re a f ucking vet!

2006-11-09 04:42:03 · 43 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

1939 young John goes to his call-up medical, he is sent home with a sample bottle and asked to return in the afternoon.His father is not too keen on the idea of John joining up and contaminated the sample with urine from himself and his daugher.
John hands in the sample and is asked to wait,half an hour later the doctor says " when you go home tell your father he has gout,tell your sister she is pregnant and you are in the Lancaster Fusiliers

2006-11-09 04:37:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me how long you laugh...


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away w

2006-11-09 04:30:06 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit.




He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid, as best he could do, on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.


In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigit staring at him from across the room.



She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"



Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"



"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, or it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, or it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, or it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

2006-11-09 04:24:25 · 13 answers · asked by elainecynthia 3

A lightining.......beautiful and bright to look at......until it strikes you..

according to David Freedman...

2006-11-09 04:21:09 · 12 answers · asked by Electric 7

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

2006-11-09 04:18:01 · 16 answers · asked by BlinkOnce 3

When I was young my Grandad would sunder and heat fat, then make us donuts. WE would each get, at least, three.

2006-11-09 04:14:08 · 7 answers · asked by Terry 7

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:
fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Johnny was being uncharacteristically
quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out
to
the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring and took little Johnny aside to ask
him,
"Is that really true about your father?"

" No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Raiders, but I was too embarrassed
to
say that in front of the other kids.

2006-11-09 04:12:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK here goes....my bf and I share a car. (his needs a transmision and we don't have the money right now) I walk to work (10 blocks) and he drives 40 miles to his job. He is really into hunting right now, therefor gets home around 9:00pm every night except Wednesday because he plays pool that night, which means midnight or later. With that being said.......
This weekend he wants to go hunting with his brother and buddies. Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday and Monday AM. So I said fine go. I'll take you to work on Friday morning and pick you up on Monday night. He's pissed off because he won't have a vehicle to drive. I say BOO HOO.... I'm always with out a car. What do you think?

2006-11-09 04:08:04 · 21 answers · asked by to_sassy4_u 5

Ok this guy goes into the basement with no electricity.Which does he light first the wood,newspapers,the oil lamp,or the candel?

2006-11-09 03:57:56 · 23 answers · asked by samantha h 2

This was originally played on BBC TV, back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though god knows how many takes it took. The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint, must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to
go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

2006-11-09 03:41:04 · 25 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

2006-11-09 03:35:16 · 12 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

>
> >
> > A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
> > particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
> > couple of dollars for dinner.
> >
> > The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
> > give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
> >
> > "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
> >
> > "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
> > "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said.
> >
> > "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
> >
> > "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
> > asked.
> >
> > "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
> > in 20 years!"
> >
> > "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead ,
> > I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
> >
> > The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you
> > for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
> > disgusting."
> >
> > The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
> > woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
> > wine

2006-11-09 03:33:38 · 12 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

How true is this?
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase
their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human
Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others: "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!

2006-11-09 03:18:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anria A 5

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

2006-11-09 03:16:01 · 15 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

2006-11-09 03:14:38 · 21 answers · asked by j mc 3

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

2006-11-09 03:13:09 · 8 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you have?!" "Got any nails?

2006-11-09 02:58:56 · 12 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

2006-11-09 02:54:35 · 22 answers · asked by Gerard McCarthy 2

And the bartender tells them "I'll serve you; just don't start anything". Ha!

2006-11-09 02:54:16 · 9 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

2006-11-09 02:51:53 · 13 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

2006-11-09 02:50:36 · 8 answers · asked by MЯ BAIT™ 6

documents
handguns

2006-11-09 02:38:34 · 28 answers · asked by stlite 1

A guy overdoses on asprin, gets shot in the leg, runs back into his burning house to save his cat, falls through the floor and the air conditioner falls on his head. what killed him?

2006-11-09 02:27:47 · 17 answers · asked by sugar kiss 1

2006-11-09 02:23:12 · 13 answers · asked by Helen C 4

2006-11-09 02:22:12 · 13 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-09 02:19:06 · 13 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-09 02:14:08 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous