Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

there was a 95 year old man
came to press charges

so the judge said on who?
he said on my father
judge:WHAT???ur father is still alive???
yes he is
judge:ok then why do u wanna press charges on him?

because he hit me
judge:why is that?



















































because I was making fun of grandpa......lol

2006-11-09 02:09:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-09 02:09:05 · 11 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives

2006-11-09 01:59:23 · 15 answers · asked by writinggirl01 3

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

2006-11-09 01:54:28 · 21 answers · asked by Electric 7

2006-11-09 01:53:10 · 16 answers · asked by David H 6

> >Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
> >Do you suffer from shyness?
> >Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
> >
> >If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
> >pharmacist about White Wine.
> >
> >White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
> >Confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out
> >of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to
> >do just about anything.
> >
> >You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and
> >with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
> >you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will
> >be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew
> >you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
> >
> >White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
> >nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
> >nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects
> >may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
> >lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss
> >of
> >virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
> >mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
> >Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
> >are not.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
> >again that you love them.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
> >really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
> >with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
> >smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
> >you.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > WARNING:
> >The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ***
> >kicked.

2006-11-09 01:49:26 · 14 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

Ann & Joe are out walking, when Ann Says "I need to pee bad. I'll just go behind this bush". Joe hears the knickers come down, and gets a bit kinky. He reaches out his hand through the bush, and puts it between her legs, only to feel something dangling. "Ann. Have you changed your sex?" "No!?" she replies "I've changed my mind. I'm having a sh!t"

2006-11-09 01:37:07 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

would you date a handsome "zombies, before he start falling apart ? He looks good now but ten days later he has to go .

2006-11-09 01:37:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's oval in shape, surrounded by hair and some times, sends out salt water....First Correct answerer will get 10 points.........Good Luck..

2006-11-09 01:33:48 · 29 answers · asked by Electric 7

Do not use whilst sleeping ( on a hairdryer)
Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly (supplied with a superman costume)
Paint stripper heat gun (not to be used as a hairdryer)
Open packet, eat nuts (on a packet of nuts, served during a flight)
After opening, keep upright (on a carton of milk)

2006-11-09 01:31:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-09 01:30:41 · 15 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-09 01:29:17 · 9 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-09 01:27:33 · 12 answers · asked by missshortly 2

Are they able to keep a smile on ur face
tell me
i think u should drop all ur hesitations here as comments
i will like this

http://uk.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-z.1T55kjdK6cczZP3Tp29eJyXQvFDA--?cq=1

Thanks !!!!!!!!!

2006-11-09 01:26:14 · 9 answers · asked by Rohit_curious 2

ive been flying around my living room for 2 hours,attached to one of my model railway engines.has this happened to anyone else.if so how did you make it stop.sorry ive got to go just coming up to a tunnel.

2006-11-09 01:17:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

one testicle says to the other why should we hang the p*ick did the stabbing

2006-11-09 01:14:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i think it was him,2 dimensional short fellow,checkered shirt,light blue trousers, permanent grin on his face.think he had an accomplice,he was wearing a red rain coat ,red wellies and a
rather fetching red hat ,think he was some kind of animal.
can somebody give me an id of this vicious little b-----d?

2006-11-09 00:41:19 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-09 00:39:30 · 13 answers · asked by Muffin 2

answer will be funny as well as much seriousness also include in your answeres

2006-11-09 00:37:20 · 13 answers · asked by makkuuu s 1

2006-11-09 00:30:37 · 9 answers · asked by Trying hard 1

2006-11-09 00:20:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

2006-11-09 00:15:20 · 14 answers · asked by Citizen 1

I always wished I could fly. Everytime I got the wishbone from a roast chicken - for about five years I wished I was Peter Pan. Funny eh? What about you?

2006-11-09 00:01:15 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is really easy, anyone should get it:

I am made up of three
My first is in a container but not in a box,
My second is in a heart but not in a body,
My third is in the dark but not in the night.

What am I?

2006-11-08 23:54:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There Once Was an old crippled smurf with aids, by the name Of Crusty Dave. who always enjoyed Giving people aids. but on one rainy, windy day, he noticed that he was floating in amniotic fluid.

Without warning, he Shook his nosstrills and out fell a river of
narcotics including needles that he used to shoot up Drugged and happy
children and grannies. He eats a lot, Because of munchies, but after a
plate of poisoned cheese on toast he feels the need for speed. So he
buys a three-legged dog to go fetch for more drugs, but the dog whom
had aids liked to lick Crusty Dave's toes. His tongue bled out hawaiian punch, the green kind, likes wearing thongs, Which Crusty tasted like major ***.

So he traveled to the east,
to your mother's room where he met a ninja. Crusty said "whassup", the Ninja replied, "Prepare to see the inside the bad hole" Crusty then reached around and grabbed his silicon vigina, which vibrated sporadically in Crusty's hand. The ninja looked surprised

In an instant, the world ended up flat as a pancake. Which was nice because the ninja had a boat (that got nuked) by the gnome who said, "Narf means 'nerf'!"
FIN.

But then out came that same gnome with green radio active muffins which glowed faintly oh my god (OMG) pink from RADIATION! The gnome said," Who's your Daddy?" Crusty picked up an old lady, whom was senile, but very horny. She smelled like very diluted diarrhe and everyone died.

Then came a surrealistic fruit machine. Dancing midgets enjoyed the music played from magical fruit! Whilst tangerine kitties frolicked gleefully among fields of volleyball cheese dip. 1,000,000 midgets preformed the bird dance, which consists of Drugs and sex. The bodies mutated into purple hamsters, then back again. All the while they were drinking large volumes of psychadelic coconut milk, everyone started puking.

One time in an Alaskan pie-eating contest, numbers of mad ponies ate blue flavoured neon orange pie Dave came back

2006-11-08 23:47:17 · 18 answers · asked by im_an_error 2

2006-11-08 23:43:48 · 8 answers · asked by miranda 1

....half English, half American, half French and half German?

2006-11-08 23:43:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman,
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be
Waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy,
I'm never going to stand in line again!"

2006-11-08 23:32:08 · 10 answers · asked by Have gun, will travel. 4

if the sea was vodka,and i was a duck,i'd swim 2 the bottom and drink my way up,the sea's not vodka and im not a duck,so give me a call if u fancy a f--- .

2006-11-08 23:22:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth!

2006-11-08 23:15:46 · 22 answers · asked by chantelle d 3