Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."


had you thinking wicked for a minute hahaha

2006-11-09 07:35:04 · 23 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

2006-11-09 07:32:45 · 8 answers · asked by L.R.O. 3

The one with the waggely tail.

2006-11-09 07:30:50 · 26 answers · asked by Mike A 2

One morning a whale was out for his constitutional swim when he heard a terrible racket going on,he looked around and spotted a Squid holding his stomach and moaning i'm dying. the whale hushes him up and said I'll take you to hospital, picks him up in his mouth and swims off. About a mile further on he spots another whale and calls out hi! mate here's that sick squid I owe you

2006-11-09 07:29:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One said "my daddy smokes and can blow smoke rings." The socond said. "well my daddy smokes and can blow smoke out his ears". Not to be outdone the third one says. "my dad can blow smoke out his ***"! Have you actualy seen him do that ? Asked his friends." N ot exactly , but ive seen the tobacco stains on his underpants

2006-11-09 07:29:13 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friends son is stuck in county for 30 days and is bored out of his mind. Hoping to find some good ones to make him smile and take his mind off that nasty place for awhile. thanks for you're help

2006-11-09 07:28:34 · 6 answers · asked by dreamteam 2

Doctor dave had slept with one of his patients & felt really guilty, no matter how much he tried to forget the sense of betrayal was overwhelming, but very once in a while he would hear a reassuring inner voice say

"Dave don't worry about it you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, you wont be the last, you are single, just let it go"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering

"Dave your a fooking vet"

2006-11-09 07:22:57 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day an atheist is walking through a forest looking at all the wonderful things that evolution has created. The next thing he knows there is a bear chasing him and he is running for dear life.

He trips on a rock and falls over with the bear getting closer every second. As the bear is about to maul him with its huge paws the athiest shouts "OH GOD" ]

Everything freezes and a burning bush appears. There is a voice from the bush, deep and powerful. " all these years you have denied me now you accept I exist when you are about to die? Oh well as I am a forgiving god I will save you"

The Atheist replies " That would make me a hipocrite thank you god but how about you make the bear a believer instead?"

"done"

With that the bush was gone time continued and the bear put it's paws together and said "for what I am about to recieve may the lord make me truly grateful"

2006-11-09 07:11:11 · 10 answers · asked by geoffrey2312 3

A man is hiring talent for his nightclub and meets a piano player.
The man plays a great jazz tune and the club owner is really into it. So he asks the man "What is that song called?" the man replied
"I got my foot stuck in my dog".
The club owner is suprised but asks the player to play another song. the second song is even better than the first, so he asks "Whats that one called?"
"Barf Biscuits are delicious" the man replies.
The owner decides "Okay, I want you to play, just dont tell anyone the names of your songs". So the piano player shows up and plays for hours and everyone loves it. After his third set he excuses himself to the bathroom, but forgets to zip up on the way out. So on his walk through the club to the piano a man stops him, tapping him on the shoulder and says
"Do you know your flies down and your wangs hanging out?"---the piano player answers:
"Know it? I WROTE IT"
Enjoy

2006-11-09 07:09:13 · 18 answers · asked by BoRNACiD 2

Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? its for dickheads

2006-11-09 07:07:36 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my
name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
>"Turn around"!

2006-11-09 06:40:25 · 37 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

Simple strategies that help you see the world as funnier ? Ideas like " try to ask yourself "how can I see this as funny" ? Or multiple perspectives, see the opposites, the imposibilities, random associations to a certain event, etc . Help anyone ?

2006-11-09 06:33:25 · 15 answers · asked by Nothingness 1

i don't see them anywhere i shop!

2006-11-09 06:24:07 · 34 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

p**s out of the Welsh, after all they are only the Irish who couldn't swim. Oh Oh better not go there on holiday for a while!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-09 06:14:47 · 29 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Little April was not the best student in sunday school,usually she slept through the class.One day the teacher tried 2 catch little April out 2 c if she was paying attention in class.she called on her while she was napping,"Tell me, April ,who created the universe?"when April didn't stir,little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her,took a pen and jabbed her in the rear."GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said,"very good,"and April fell bk asleep.A while l8r the teacher asked April,"Who is our lord and saviour,"But,April didn't even stir from her slumber.Once again, Johnny came 2 the rescue and stuck her again."JESUS CHRIST!"shouted april and the teacher said,"very good,"and April fell bk asleep.Then the teacher asked April a 3rd question."What did eve say 2 adam after she had their 23rd child?"And again, johnny jabbed her with the pen.This time april jumped up and shouted,IF U STICK THAT F---ING THING IN ME 1 MORE TIME,I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP UR A-SE!"

2006-11-09 06:12:41 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening, the road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and went to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" He demanded.

2006-11-09 06:09:44 · 20 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

make a yank laugh. Damn sure I havn't, but here goes. Three Welsh fellas were walking past a field when they came accross a sheep stuck in the fence with its jack and danny on display. The first one says " I wish that was Goldie Hawn. The next one says "I wish it was Halle Berry" . The last one says " I wish it was dark". Bet they don' t get this either!!!!!!

2006-11-09 05:55:24 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Some people are like Slinkies...

Not really good for anything....

But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

2006-11-09 05:54:20 · 6 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

something like this with my added crap

Boyfriend took girlfriend to see a football game because Boyfriend felt sorry for Pat Tillman

After the game, Boyfriend asked girlfriend about the game and the girlfriend responded "I like the tight pants....but why were all the players trying to killed each other over a coin?"

Boyfriend was confused and asked Girlfriend to explain.

Girlfriend's response: First, two guys in a Zabra suit tossed a quarter and one of the team won it. After that everyone was yelling "get the quarter-back, get the quarter-back"

2006-11-09 05:45:33 · 3 answers · asked by Taco 3

2006-11-09 05:41:30 · 16 answers · asked by Koko ; 4

I was in my room and in my parents room I heard the bed making noises

2006-11-09 05:34:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

RUDOLPH!!! HOW COULD YOU!!!!!!!!

2006-11-09 05:34:04 · 14 answers · asked by ? 1

Do you think Mrs Clause would like them ho...ho.. hose,the store clerk replied I know she wouldnt like no ho ho hoes!

2006-11-09 05:29:37 · 11 answers · asked by ? 1

Can't figure this out... :)

2006-11-09 05:21:58 · 8 answers · asked by Kris T 1

Have a look at the last question before this I posted, and some of the replies.... has the ability to understand irony and sarcasm really died?

2006-11-09 05:15:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-09 05:14:44 · 14 answers · asked by ls_gaskin 1

have 6 daughters and each daughter has one brother.
How many people are in the Brown family?

2006-11-09 05:13:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Backward I'm not.
What am I?

2006-11-09 05:11:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-09 05:01:25 · 19 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

i am not saying smoking it is bad or saying you can die from it
but smoking somthing you dont know where it came from or what exactly it is is stupid

2006-11-09 04:57:49 · 9 answers · asked by me 1