Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-16 15:45:12 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-11-16 15:41:48 · 21 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-11-16 15:37:43 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made

2006-11-16 15:25:58 · 24 answers · asked by zim 2

i have had this riddle stuck in my head.

"A man was slowly counting but unfortunately he miscounted. A little later he suffered a sharp pain in his back. Why?"

i cant' figure it out, so please help

2006-11-16 15:16:34 · 8 answers · asked by bludevil260_ya 3

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

2006-11-16 14:34:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok. a guy comes home from a meeting on sunday and finds his dad dead. wen they investigate, there r three possible suspects, the chef,the mailman,and the maid. who killed him? and explain why u think ur answer is correct.

***CLUE***-ITS SUNDAY

2006-11-16 14:32:48 · 9 answers · asked by NoBody 4

sent:
oh yeaa how many girls u got?? since ur SUCHA PLAYA!?!?

im sure lots of them like to squeeze ur breasts


ughm


DIKE~~~~

he sent: i bet i get mor girlz den u get guys my bad did i say guys, i meant girlz

UR GONNA NEED SOME ICE 2 KOOL OF DAT BURN~~~~





another one:~~~~

i sent:
i duno what a faf is but good luck on liffe,

1ince again, ,

BYE. ~~~~~~

he sent:
i meant to write *** and u spelt 1nce wrong u ****, you put 1ince (ya diiiiiiiiiiike)

2006-11-16 14:04:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'd eat a bucket of your **** to see where it came from, or I like that dress , it would look better balled up on my floor.

2006-11-16 14:02:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following are real conversations directory enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at an actual directory enquiry centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from ?
Caller : The living room
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.

Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.

Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

2006-11-16 14:01:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-16 13:51:30 · 20 answers · asked by juggums 3

what do you call one man with no arms and another with no legs looking out your bedroom window?? CURT and ROD
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs lying in your frying pan? Patty!
What do you call a girl with no arms sticking in a hole? Peg
What do you call a girl with one leg? ilean
What do you call a chinese girl with one leg? irene
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? Bill
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting by a hole? Doug
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the hole? Phil
same guy in a pile of leaves?--Russell
same guy trying to use a cell phone?--Collin
sharpen his head and use him to stab someone?--Lance
plug him into an amp and sing in his mouth? --Mike

2006-11-16 13:50:39 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ღαмαиdα♥ღ 7

:) http://www.neopets.com/games/conundrum.phtml

2006-11-16 13:33:14 · 5 answers · asked by Lexy 3

theres three people sentenced to death! a red head, a brown hair and a blonde. a guy come into the room they are in and goes up to the red head, he says "ready, set...." and the red head yells "tornado" and runs out of the room. he goes up to the brown hair and says "ready, set....." he yells "earthquake" and runs out of the room. he goes up to the blonde now and says "ready, set....." and the blonde yells.............. can u figure out what the blonde says?

2006-11-16 13:31:30 · 15 answers · asked by longsnuggles1 1

for you?
yep funni

2006-11-16 13:29:46 · 15 answers · asked by beanscout 2

On a dark and rainy night a hitchhiker was having no luck finding a ride. Finally a car stopped and he got in. But something was very odd - there was no driver! Suddenly the car started moving. The hitchhiker saw a curve coming up and reached for the steering wheel but a hand came through the window and turned the car. the ride continued, and each time a curve came, the hand reached in and turned the car just in time. Finally the car stopped and the hitchhiker ran into a bar, ordered a large Scotch, and told everyone what had just happened. Then two men came up to him. What did they say?

2006-11-16 13:10:19 · 17 answers · asked by shortcutie2708 2

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
Here are the testimonials of
a few people who did...
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowj*b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.
He knew better.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget .
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, ! did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good ?

2006-11-16 13:07:17 · 16 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

I have this riddle and I have to get to the bottom of it, thank you whoever has the answer:

A salesperson goes to a man's house. The man turns out to be a mathmatician. He tells the salesman, he will buy something once the salesman figures out the ages of the mathamatician's three children. The mathamatician gave 3 clues:
1.) The sum of the 3 ages equals 13.
2.) The product of the 3 ages equals the mathamatician's street address.
Up to this point the salesman was confused and didn't know the answer. Then the mathmatician said...
3.) The eldest child is alergic to chocolate.
Once this was said the salesman quickly found out the answer.

- The 3 ages are specific. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!! THANKS.

2006-11-16 12:59:41 · 7 answers · asked by Mr Nice Guy 3

A book on how to read.

Inflatable dart boards

Reuseable ice cubes

The water-proof towel

Zero proof alcohol

Mechanical Pencil sharpeners

Rolls Royce pickup truck

Turnip ice cream

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

See-through toilet tissue

Watermelon seed sorter

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Powdered water

Submarine screen doors

Waterproof tea bags

2006-11-16 12:59:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

You've gone to an un-staffed AOL room to give tech support.
You say "he, he, he, he" or "heh, heh, heh" instead of laughing.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.
Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".
You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You think faster than the computer.
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.
Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.
You're on the phone and say BRB.
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
"Where did the time go?"
You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!

2006-11-16 12:56:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE COWBOY AND THE LESBIAN.

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?!”
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a
lesbian."

2006-11-16 12:55:45 · 10 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

So last night my crush and I were talking on the phone about R. Kelly and his little pervie stuff. We were laughing and all. Since he is like 8 years older than me, I made a joke that if he and I ever had sex, he would end up being a child molestor. This was definitely a joke, but turn out, he got extremely mad at me. He was like a TOTAL PISSED OFF. So like for the nest 15 minutes, he kept going about how rude and insensitive I was and on and on and on even though I had apologized and said to him that it was only a joke. Now I am pretty upset about it. Do you think I was being insensitive for real or was he too uptight?

2006-11-16 12:53:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

You live in California when ...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska when . . .

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when . . .

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when . . .

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when . . .

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

2006-11-16 12:47:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi, im catching up with some friends. I was wanting to throw around some riddles. What are the best ones you know? Please provide me with the answers too, otherwise I probably wont be able to work them out myself! Thanks

2006-11-16 12:37:02 · 5 answers · asked by luckie_puris 2

RULES: copy the line before yours and continue the Good News / Bad News Joke

A group of 20 young people are gathered at a TV studio. One of the show hosts comes in and tells them the news ...

The good news is, out of 1000 applicants, you are going to be singing on "IDOL"
The bad news is, the first week will include Yodelling
The good news is, we have hired some professional Austrian goat hearders to train you.
The bad news is, they won't leave their farms.
The good news is, ...

(your turn)

2006-11-16 12:32:18 · 8 answers · asked by wizebloke 7

20. Ask "Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?"
19. Count down from 5, then hit them and run away.
18. Slap them on the head, then explain you were trying to kill the bee in their bonnet.
17. Continually interrupt with "...and this bothers you?"
16. Answer everything with "yes" until they become infuriated, then say "probably not" when they ask if you want your *** kicked.
15. Respond to every insult and accusation with a smile and say "and proud of it!", then inform them that their anger is a response to jealousy.
14. Shake your head sadly and moan "if only you'd used your temper for good instead of yelling at me."
13. Hold your wrist up and insist that they slap it. When they do, claim you've been justly punished and they have no right to continue persecuting you.
12. Look at them strangely, then after a while look surprised and go "oh, you're talking about me!"
11. Look at them, astonished, then exclaim "I want the drugs you're on!"
10. Hug them, explain that you feel enlightened, and thank them for putting you in your place.
09. "I really would love to stay and listen, but my goldfish must be getting hungry by now."
08. Interrupt them and ask "should I be jotting any of these points down, cos.' I've already forgotten everything so far."
07. Make sound of a phone ringing. Pick up an imaginary phone after a few rings. "Uh huh. yes, yes he is. uh, it's for you, it's someone who cares."
06. Look past them as though there's something there which is distracting you. When they turn around to see what it is, hit them on the head with an esky lid. Pretend it fell from a tree, even if there are no trees around.
05. "I hear what you're saying. I see your point of view. I understand exactly what you mean. I simply don't give a ****."
04. Wait for a pause, then inform them that there's a vein sticking out near their right temple.
03. If asked what you have to say for yourself, look them calmly in the eye and say tentatively "show me the money?"
02. Look around and say loudly, "would somebody get the kettle, please!"
01. Say "Yell all you want, I won't remember."

2006-11-16 12:30:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

17. Remember - you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.
16. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
15. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
14. If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?
13. Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.
12. Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.
11. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
09. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.
08. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
07. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
06. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
05. A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night.'
04. Sadly, all men are created equal.
03. Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
02. The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of 'former boyfriend.'
01. There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring, loving -they'd be wrong but you can still use them.

2006-11-16 12:27:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-16 12:24:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-11-16 12:23:12 · 22 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

?????

2006-11-16 12:10:57 · 3 answers · asked by Ginger C 2