Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

shetamish
shetamish who?
wipe your feet then!!!

2006-11-16 07:45:09 · 12 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and you can pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sandra, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well, once I fondled and stroked one but that's all" so St. Peter says, "Okay, dip you whole hand in the Holy Water and you can pass through the gates."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. St. Peter sees this and says "Karen, what seems to be the rush?" The girl replies: "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, i want to do it before Jessica sticks her A$$ in it!

2006-11-16 07:34:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The fourth one ducked.

2006-11-16 07:22:02 · 9 answers · asked by LoneStar 6

and says to the baker "Is that a macaroon or a meringue"
the baker replys"yes your right its a macaroon!!"

2006-11-16 07:19:00 · 13 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

2006-11-16 07:17:23 · 7 answers · asked by davey 2

2006-11-16 07:10:56 · 14 answers · asked by camp0sb 1

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And
next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark in lipstick! It reads,
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 15 year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son," So, why is everything in such perfect order,
so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . Priceless!!!

2006-11-16 07:01:55 · 20 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

I'am really nervous i might not get a Wii since i havent pre-ordered One, being only two days away, how many people do you think will be lined up to get one?

2006-11-16 07:01:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will
have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bull****tin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

2006-11-16 06:59:46 · 14 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby

in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress,

and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were

several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark McDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I

instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Brines, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not

more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the

family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinbeck, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."

Again, a flawless read. " Now both,"

I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top

line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he

was standing there with both h is eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to

finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodora, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his

medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a

new one every six hours and

now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and

discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the manhad over fifty patches

on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before

applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Claire, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have

you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete

confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband

was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Coralloid, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast

this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem

to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Koreans, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite

embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he

had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady

upon whom he was performing this

exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She

replied, "No doctor, but the song you were

whistling was ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

2006-11-16 06:53:39 · 9 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

YES ITS ME AGAIN WITH ANOTHER RIP ROARER

a husband always insisted on having sex in the dark this went on for 20years and then one night as he was makin love to his wife she switched on the light but there he was doing the deed with a massive vibrator in his hand.
wife goes ballistic and says''you effing impotent bast### all these years you have decieved me and lied to me ''and the husband looks her in the eye and says''ok calm down i will explain the vibrator if you can explain our 3 kids''

2006-11-16 06:53:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,dies and goes to heaven. At the gate an angel tells Davidson, "Well U've been such a good guy and ur motor cycles have changed the world. As a reward, U can hang out with anyone U want to in Heaven." he thinks a while & says, "I wanna hang out with God." The angel takes Arthur to the Throne Room & introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't U the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah yes." "Well" says Davidson,"U have some major design flaws in Ur invention:
1. There’s too much front-end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
Hmmm... replies God, "hold on."
God types in few keystrokes Celestial Supercomputer & waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Davidson "but according 2 My Computer, more&more people are riding my invention

2006-11-16 06:48:57 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

My wife says it hurts her as much as them, and i shouldn't take my work home. What's the world coming too?

2006-11-16 06:44:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you have when you got two little green balls in your hands?



Kermit the frogs undivided attention

2006-11-16 06:36:26 · 8 answers · asked by Dakotah D 3

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above, "Because he doesn't bother me all the time!"

2006-11-16 06:33:43 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

put her in a circle room and tell her to go to the corner

2006-11-16 06:29:43 · 11 answers · asked by Dakotah D 3

theres this blonde that is rowing in a row boat in her back yard, another blonde pulls up in a car looks at her and says you know its blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your a**

2006-11-16 06:28:10 · 7 answers · asked by Dakotah D 3

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me, did he have a different father?"

His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" he asks.

Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth.

She says, "You."

2006-11-16 06:27:58 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Does it take to make choclate chip cookies?

One to make to cookie and 15 to peel the smarties!

2006-11-16 06:25:01 · 9 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

There is this guy in a bar who is talking to another guy the first guy looks at the other one and say you know that if you are on the roof of this bar and you jump off that the current of the wind will bring you back up to the roof? the second guy looks at him and says no man no way they sat there arguing for a little bit then the first man say come on I’ll show you, so they went out to the roof and the first man jumps off and then floats back up, the second man say no way do it again so he did. The second man says man I gotta try this so he jumped off and hit the ground and died.
The bartender comes out and looks up and then yell god dam it Superman stop fu**ing with the costumers.

2006-11-16 06:21:01 · 10 answers · asked by Dakotah D 3

mother teresa's had 30,000 nun's with her n they had to find an inn to stay in. They wer at 1 place n da man sed he only ad 1 room. mother teresa's sed that she would stay in dat room n den her nun's stayed outside. the nxt morning she woke up n counted her nun's n 10,000 had gone missing! n then a man on a moterbike went passed so she chased after him n missed him!. the next night mother teresa's went to the inn n the stiil only had 1 room so mother teresa's stayed in there n her nun's stayed outside. The next morning she went out n another 10,000 nuns had gone missing and the motorbike went pass again, so she ran after him and just missed him. The next night she went back to the inn n still there was only 1 room left so mother teresa's took that one n her nun's stayed out there again! the nxt morning she woke up went to count her nuns n der wer none there! again the motorbike went passed n this time she cougght him and she said 'where are my nun's?!?' he said 'I dunno no!' lol

2006-11-16 06:19:56 · 26 answers · asked by Kettle 2

Okay, true story from my high school days. -The guy I was dating was 6'2 and around 200 lbs. (I was 5'4 and 115lbs) He had a younger brother who was a little smaller, and very laid back, didn't talk a lot (We'll call him LF). One day I walked into the cafeteria and a guy we all know was looking me up and down (he was pretty cheesy) and says, appreciatively, "Giiirl, you've got curves!" and LF, who was sitting at a nearby table, puts his book down and says to him, "If my brother hears you say that, you'll have KINKS."
---
#2-- This one is about my eldest daughter (I have 4 kids--boy-13, girl-10, boy-4, girl-2). When I was expecting my son who is now 4, my husband and I bought a 'Where did I come from?'-type book to explain about the baby to the older two, who were then about 8 and 6. In the book, they explained sex by calling it a 'special cuddle' between the mommy and the daddy....

KEEP READING, it's too long to fit.

2006-11-16 06:12:45 · 14 answers · asked by BetchaBiteAChip 2

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs Ward, please."

"Speaking," she replies.

" Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well, and now we're uncertain as to which ones are your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's terrible! Can't we just do the test over?" questions Mrs Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"And? What the hell am I supposed to do now?" she enquires, very upset.

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

2006-11-16 06:12:02 · 13 answers · asked by Hokaido Yakuza 1

someone open the fridge & saw the jello shaking ;he said don't be afraid I just want to drink some water !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-16 06:10:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules, "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do you understand?"
His new bride smiled sweetly and replied, "Of course, dear. That's fine. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex every night at seven o'clock - whether you're home or not!"

2006-11-16 06:08:58 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

2006-11-16 06:08:07 · 8 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows F**king everything.

2006-11-16 06:01:08 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

2006-11-16 05:52:31 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

There was a guy in a bar drinking his "special"
A lady came in and he was like, "hey bartender, hit me with another of my specials"
The lady asked what was so special about the drink he was drinking.
He claimed it could make him fly.
He could tell the lady didn't believe him so he says, "i bet you 100 dollars i could jump out this 3rd floor window, and fly back in".
She took the bet and watched, amazed, as the guy ran and jumped out of the window without a second thought.
She ran to the window and looked at the street below, and didn't see anything.
She ran back to the bar, puzzled.
A few minutes later, the man flew back in.
The lady was stunned and asked him how he did it.
"My special Drink" was his reply.
So she orders one of the "special drinks" the man was talking about, and decided to jump out the window and fly herself.
She took off running and jumped out the window.
The lady hit the ground
The bartender says, "superman, you're such an a**hole when you drink"

2006-11-16 05:51:50 · 3 answers · asked by chikita_couey 1

2006-11-16 05:51:34 · 9 answers · asked by Rick 2