Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A scot pulled up and said he thought the engine might be flooded.
I asked "are you a mechanic?"
He said "NO, I'M A MCTAVISH"

A while later another drunken scotsman asked me what was wrong, I said "Piston Broke"
He Replied "AND SO AM I"

So I flagged another motorist down and asked if he could help me,
he said "I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist"
So I asked "well can you give me a toe?"

2006-11-16 01:36:24 · 15 answers · asked by jabelite 3

If he's got a quarter pounder he's a Macdonald

2006-11-16 01:27:59 · 9 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A boy and a Myra Hindley are out at night, walking towards the Moors.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
Myra Hindley says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"

2006-11-16 01:23:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-16 01:12:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pete:Did i tell you of the time i came face to face with a lion?
Ben:No, what happened ?
Pete:The fierce animal roared at me fiercely.
Ben:What did you do ?
Pete:I moved to the next cage in the zoo...

2006-11-16 01:10:21 · 16 answers · asked by malani_rsmann 2

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

2006-11-16 01:08:25 · 10 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

2006-11-16 01:06:47 · 3 answers · asked by torrelli1988 1

Yes...yes, I'm afraid I have been quoted out of context. No, no...I never met him. I knew him only by reputation. No...yes, that's right, the four fifteen flight. Direct. Oh no...could I please speak to the manager? What do you mean, no-one is in charge? Someone must be in charge! NO-ONE IS IN CHARGE! Oh god. No-one is in charge. So, here we are on the internet, waiting for good books and the afterlife. I think I have been here before, sitting at a computer, trying not to face sleep. I fear I have been misquoted. I fear that I may never leave this room, or have never left it. I was born here, tied to the computer, picking scabs and eyeing the alarm clock. Excuse me, do you know who is in charge? Parlez-vous Francais? Habla Usted Espanol? Someone here must know what is going on. George W. Bush? No, never heard of him! What? Is this some kind of joke? You can't do this to me! I'm an American citizen...

2006-11-16 01:00:07 · 8 answers · asked by rabbit0102030 3

bicycle race. They decided that the bike to cross the finish line first would lose and the one to cross second would win.

They hopped on and raced toward the finish line, about 100 yards from the line, they slowed to a halt, each one determined to reach the finish line second. It was then that they realized how stupid they were. They got out to discuss their wager.

A passerby suggested a solution to them that sent them racing back to the bikes, each one speeding toward the finish line, determined to be first!

The advice that the passerby gave them in no way changed the original terms of the wager, what was the advice????

2006-11-16 00:50:12 · 10 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

Does anyone know some cool funny webpages I can go to when I'm at work, I'm bored to SH*T!!!!!

2006-11-16 00:48:07 · 23 answers · asked by Sheepless 1

ok my friend sent me this per text message and i got a laugh..
2 men are walking around the airport looking for their wives coz they can't find them. they bump into each other, and the 1st man says "have u seen my wife". the 2nd man replies "well i can't find my one either, what does ur wife look like?" 1st man says "well she'S 6ft,blonde hair, big boobs, wearing a mini and a boob tube, what does ur wife look like?" 2nd man says "f*** my wife, lets look for yours!!!"

remember keep smiling!! :)

2006-11-16 00:05:19 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did Captain Kirk have?


A left ear a right ear and a final frontear!

2006-11-16 00:04:21 · 10 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

A well figured (u know big boobs, perfect shaped hips, thin stomach, basically the full works) blonde goes into a arcade, sits next to 2 bulky guys who r playin poker
asks them if she can play
sure they both reply, thinking it would be good to take the piss out of her, cos shes a girl
she sits down and starts 2 strip
wot u doing? they ask
i play betta naked she replies
they start playing, and a few minutes later, the blonde throws down her cards, and says ive won
she grabs the cash and runs off
from behind, the first man asked the next man
did u see her cards?
the next man replies and says no, i was jus lookin at her figure

2006-11-15 23:54:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Black holes are where God is divided by Zero
3. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
4. I almost had a psychic girlfriend ,but she left me before we met
5. I drive way to fast to worry about cholesterol
6. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
7. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
8. Support bacteria - They're the only culture some people have
9. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
10. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
11.0 If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12. I could'nt repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
13. how do you tell whenrun out of invisible ink?
14. Beuty is in the eye of the beer holder
15. Everyone has a photgraphic memory. Some don't have the film
16. Join the army, meet the interesting people, then kill them.
17. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor

2006-11-15 23:51:40 · 13 answers · asked by junebaby 2

A man goes to the market and buys some eggs but on his way home he comes to a turnstile the owner says to the man to use this turnsile you must pay a penny the man says money have i none but i will give you half the eggs in the basket plus half an egg this happens a following 2 times at 2 more turnstiles when he gets home the basket is empty how many eggs did he buy at the market ?.

2006-11-15 23:46:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!" Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

2006-11-15 23:36:48 · 11 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

2006-11-15 22:56:45 · 28 answers · asked by anitha 4

a guy goes into a local bar on a daily basis and each time he goes there he always buys three beers, he takes a sip from one bottle and then moves on to the next one until he finishes drinking all the three bottles. Each time he enters the bar he does this, so the barman asks him why he drinks like that. he replies, "i have two brothers who have left the country, one is in Australia and the other in Brazil and we promised each other that we would always drink like this so that we remember the good times we drank together" and the barman and those listening are amused. Then one day the man buys two beers instead of the usual three and people come to him to offer condolences for the brother he has lost, to which the man replies, " i havent lost any of my brothers, its just that i've quit drinking!"

2006-11-15 21:57:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sick Leave:



I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not

allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY then he

would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the

ceiling and made funny noises.



My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.



I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss

might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.



A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the

name of f*cking good god are you doing?"



I told him I was a light bulb.



He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a

couple of days".



I jumped down and walked out of the office.



When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her



"...And where do you think you're going?"



(You're gonna love this..... )

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> > >She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

2006-11-15 21:39:21 · 12 answers · asked by Je♥n 5

Scientists have announced some disturbing news about female hormones in beer.
Men should really pay attention to the ammount of beer they are consuming.
According to the theory hop would contain phytostrogene and when men would consume big numbers of beer they could actually turn into women.

To test this theory they've given 100 men each 8 pints of beer which they had to consume with the timespan of 1 hour.

During the observation it appeared that 100% of the people involved:

1) Increased in weight
2) Were talking lots and lots with out mentioning anything worth listening
3) Got extremely emotional
4) Couldn't drive a car
5) Couldn't think rational
6) Were argueing about nothing
7) Had to sit while urinating
8) Refused to offer their appologies where it was obvious that they were wrong

Further research was said not to be nessecary.

2006-11-15 21:14:50 · 24 answers · asked by lolkedouma 2

2006-11-15 20:58:52 · 13 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....






On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"





The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"





"No" replied the trainee.






"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"






The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"







"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.







"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.....

2006-11-15 20:52:16 · 25 answers · asked by keekee 1

Java Interview

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can't communicate.

Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus dep ot.

Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.

Q. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it is multicast

2006-11-15 20:47:58 · 18 answers · asked by keekee 1

2006-11-15 20:27:38 · 8 answers · asked by Joe Cooker 3

2006-11-15 20:24:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man while looking at a photograph said, "Brothers and sisters have I none. That man's father is my father's son."

Who was the person in the photograph?

2006-11-15 20:22:26 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cabbie picked up a passenger at the Omni Hotel in downtown Chicago who wanted to go the O'Hare airport. Due to traffic, the average speed was rather low and the trip to the airport took 80 minutes. At the airport, the cabbie picked up another passenger who, coincidently, wanted to go back to the Omni Hotel. The taxi driver took the same route as before, had the same average speed, but this time the trip took 1 hour and 20 minutes.

Can you explain why?

2006-11-15 19:59:17 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their PM are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The PM calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"

2006-11-15 19:24:16 · 21 answers · asked by keekee 1

2006-11-15 19:20:32 · 4 answers · asked by EVA J 4

3 Men were flying by a copter which crashed on a remote Island. After sometime they went in to woods to find some food. Their they met with an man eater giant.

Man Eater: If the length of your d**k, all the 3 put togeather is longer then mine then I let you go alive.

Man eater had 20" long & this guys total was 21"

On their way back 1st man said: you should thank me for my 8". 2nd man said: No you should thank me for my 12". Third man laughed: No, no you must thank me that I had an eraction!!!

2006-11-15 18:50:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous