Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

why is it that chiken lift up her head (seems praying) after drinking water? if he does pray, what he's praying?

2006-11-15 18:42:59 · 5 answers · asked by pit_bulldog 3

(On a lighter note, the following story is a montage of several of the urban
myths currently floating around cyberspace. This anonymous email is being
passed around under the heading, "It Must be True, I Saw it on the Internet.")

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to
me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact
that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend
whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a
rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as
everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which
is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his
bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out
of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN.He saw a note on his
mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it
was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that
would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who
was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the
computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie
recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last
week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a
free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing
kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which
unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's
expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an
HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said,
"Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that
little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for
everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society
has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two
e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel
(if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good
luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to
fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the
way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he
flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4
green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you
to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick
from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a
skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your
arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

Author unknown
--------------

2006-11-15 18:30:34 · 7 answers · asked by spikes g 3

the other night and charlie was at the counter talking to someone on the phone , but i could see behind him that his frying pan had caught alight , so i shouted , Oih ! he said , ahh how you know my name , i said never mind that mate your frying pans alight , he said what you mean , i said it's alight burning , he said , me not know what you mean , i said , Wok ! Wok ! he said , ahh me get it now , --------who's there !!

2006-11-15 18:22:04 · 12 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

2006-11-15 18:11:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for a really long time. Until one day they found a magic lamp.
They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.
He said that he could only give three wishes and since there were three girls, each would get one wish each.
The redhead went first.
'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'
'Okay,' replied the genie.
And off she went.

Then the brunette went.
'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'
And off she went.

The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

2006-11-15 18:04:39 · 11 answers · asked by writersbIock2006 5

Anecdote about an Indian sales guy....
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just one sale."
The boss says: "Just ONE? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sir, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind.".........................

2006-11-15 17:46:08 · 26 answers · asked by keekee 1

2006-11-15 17:43:21 · 9 answers · asked by fragle2c 5

A boy enters his class room with broken specs,

Teacher: What happened to you?

Boy: I was kissing my girl friend!

Teacher: But how did your specs broke?

Boy: She closed her legs!!!

2006-11-15 17:04:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

any kind of joke is good.

2006-11-15 16:44:49 · 18 answers · asked by Mark n 3

What do you call a really a really obnoxious 1 foot tall midget?

2006-11-15 16:29:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." she leaned forword. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer"?

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me 15,000$ for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case".

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that"?

The lawyer squirmed in his sit and admitted, "He sued me for the money".

2006-11-15 16:28:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I posted this joke a few days ago, but I thought of a different punch line. Please let me know which one you think is funnier.

One day a man comes inside his house and tells his wife that he saw a monkey in their tree out back. The wife says she knows and that he should look up the monkey catcher in the phone book and tell him to come get it. He can't believe that their is actually such thing but his wife insists. He looks in the phone book and sure enough there is a monkey catcher so he calls him. The monkey catcher says he'll be right over. When he gets there he shows up with a doberman, a shotgun, and a cage. The man says what's all this for. The monkey catcher says, "I'm going to climb this tree and knock this monkey out of the tree. When he falls the doberman is going to bite his testicles until i can get down and get the monkey in the cage." The man says, "Okay, that sounds good, but what is the shotgun for?"

2006-11-15 15:45:33 · 12 answers · asked by Adam B 2

Do they just wait for some customer to buy it and leave it on the shelf forever? Do they throw it out? What do they do? Wouldn't it be a waste of food?

2006-11-15 15:42:03 · 15 answers · asked by quikboy 7

ANY and all types. I just need to laugh!

2006-11-15 15:40:52 · 15 answers · asked by Smo 4

what or where is hannah montana gonna do/be on her b-day?whoever gets the right answer first gets best answer. i no the answer

**HINT**Her b-day is November 23** that SHOULD help u

2006-11-15 15:31:36 · 9 answers · asked by NoBody 4

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."

2006-11-15 15:30:52 · 15 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-15 15:21:46 · 9 answers · asked by Latin Casino 1

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting here having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. “First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.”

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue — salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, “Jesus, what do you call that drink?”

She smiles widely at him and says, “Blo* Job Revenge!”

2006-11-15 15:04:53 · 19 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

High from heav'n her eye looks down,
Constant strife excites her frown;
Winged beings shun her sight,
She puts the youth to instant flight.
The aged too her looks do scout;
Oh! oh! the fugitive cries out.
And by her snares whoe'er is lured
Can never of his sin been cured.

Who am I?

2006-11-15 14:59:24 · 9 answers · asked by Stark 2

2006-11-15 14:39:49 · 7 answers · asked by CuJo?? WhErE ArE YoU???? 1

a man was found dead with no visible signs of blood. a hole was discovered in his suit. how did the man die? be creative

2006-11-15 14:33:15 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The new english?
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

2006-11-15 14:30:32 · 19 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people
in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.


Love, your son, John.



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on my desk.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

2006-11-15 14:28:43 · 18 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

The class teacher ( a woman) asked Little Johnny a question: What the Cow has four, which I have two....

Little Johnny's answer made the teacher blush.. What would be the answer?

First correct one gets 10 points.

2006-11-15 14:27:31 · 14 answers · asked by Electric 7

This one I got yesterday....

A boy asked an old man: What is retrenchment?

Old man: Retrenchment is when you are replaced by a computer at office & by a vibrator at home!!!

2006-11-15 14:21:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-15 14:18:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jimmy got a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive and those that weren't were, at the least rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly being polite, playing soft music, trying to coach polite words out of him. Nothing worked.

He shouted at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook it and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally , in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the bird in the freezer. He heard the bird shouting, swearing, screaming and then all suddenly became silent.


Jimmy was frightened that he may have hurt or even killed the bird and quickly opened the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's arm and said, ''I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to give you nothing but pleasure and allow you to develop a sense of pride in my improved bearing and erudite conversation.''

Jimmy was astounded at the change and was about to ask the reason for the change when the parrot continued

''May I ask what the chicken did?''

2006-11-15 14:09:49 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A man sits at a barstool. Each time before he orders a drink, he looks into his shirt pocket. After watching the man for awhile, the bartender asks him why he does this. The man replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts to look good, it's time to go home."

2006-11-15 14:05:27 · 12 answers · asked by Cannibal 4

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.


The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"


The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."


The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

2006-11-15 14:05:05 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What is your nickname and how did you get it? Mine is Toucan because when I was in highschool I always had a box of fruit loops with me. The fruit loop icon is Sam the Toucan so I became name as Dan the Toucan.

2006-11-15 14:01:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous